ugh, I hate not being able to breath through my nose. It is the worse feeling ever. This weekend was pretty good. Not too many regrets. Had some fun times. Even found some fun times out on my own. The FB came over at like 3am Fri./Sat. we were up till about 10:00am. i had a good time with him. I realized how much I had missed him on more ways than one. Should I be concerned? Nah, like I told him, I never ever want him as a bf, because I could NEVER trust him. So for now I'll take what he gives, because he gives it to me good! Sat. night the weather was horrible, thunder ,lightning and heavy rain. I was already for bed when Ang called and said they were going to the pub. Of course I'll go!! Place was dean when we first got there. But it livened up!! Saw some people I have not seen in quite some time. Had a man want to make out with me in the parking lot, I said no way, but wound up making out with someone else come early morning. Bad bad bad, girl I have been lately. I must keep myself in check. The ex was preaching to me yesterday that I need to act like a mother, and not a college age girl. LOL..... TLM was at the Ex's house this weekend so no harm done!
I met the New girlfriend on Sunday. Lets She seemed nice, . I completely froze up when I went out, I didnt know what to say, and I know the Ex was silently shitting his pants, he's such a puss. I can harldy blame him though, because I sure can be a bitch, when I want to be. But in this case Im trying my best to be nice. It is hard though, TLM has been talking an awful lot about daddy, and his girlfriend. I just keep on smiling, and reminding myself that one day the shoe will be on the other foot.
tata
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Friday, April 22, 2005
Fuck is it 5 yet?
Yea, Im making another fucking post. Excuse the language but Im so BORED. I truly cant stand being bored at work. And I truly cant stand busy shit work. Its is only 11:30, I have hit all my bookmarks, attempted to add pics to this damn blog, but cant seem to figure it out. I getting so frustrated. This fucking place sucks. Its no wonder I have no sick time or vacation time left. They push us to get our work down the first 2 weeks of the month, and then what the fuck are we suppose to do? I've looked for another job, I still keep my eyes open. I just cant seem to find one. Im so not an over achiever. But heck if I were busy here 4 weeks out of the month Id be a happy camper. Give me work, keep me busy!! Stress me out please! There is nothing better than being under pressure at work. Its such an adrenaline rush for me. Not to mention the days go faster when your working. ahh 30 mins to chinese buffet.
Milestones
So he has reached yet another milestone in his relationship. The NYPCG is now spending the night when TLM is at his house. No Im not happy about this but I didnt yell, or scream. I did cry. I know I need to accept that it was going to happen eventually. I just dont want to lose my son to some other girl. And all the promises the Ex has made, have so far been broken. So anything is possible at this point. I just have to wait and see.
So its the weekend, hip hip horray!! no big plans. A and I are going to get some beer and wings at the brewery. Hoping there is a certain cute boy there. I know the one is out of town. The FB has band practice, so we'll probably meet up after that. Could I see the sun come up tomorrow morning? possibly. But I do have to get my tiny ass (yes, thats what Los said) down to N. Phila, to get my brakes done. Yea its the hood, but its also cheap!! Other than that, no definate plans. The FB's birthday is Sunday. hmm will I even see him? who knows, and who really cares.
So I figured out how to get my links on the page, now I need to spend some time and figure how to add pics, and what not..... I think I can do it!
Is it five yet?
tata
So its the weekend, hip hip horray!! no big plans. A and I are going to get some beer and wings at the brewery. Hoping there is a certain cute boy there. I know the one is out of town. The FB has band practice, so we'll probably meet up after that. Could I see the sun come up tomorrow morning? possibly. But I do have to get my tiny ass (yes, thats what Los said) down to N. Phila, to get my brakes done. Yea its the hood, but its also cheap!! Other than that, no definate plans. The FB's birthday is Sunday. hmm will I even see him? who knows, and who really cares.
So I figured out how to get my links on the page, now I need to spend some time and figure how to add pics, and what not..... I think I can do it!
Is it five yet?
tata
Anniversary
Well I’d say happy 5yr anniversary, but your not here. And sometimes I wonder if you ever really were. The more time goes by the more distance there is between us. I try not to think of you. But hell today marks the day when my life changed forever. I went on my first date with you. April 22nd, 2000.
One Week Prior:
It was still pretty cold out even though it was spring time. The boys wanted to go out drinking and who am I to argue. I love going out for a good time. And I love going out with my guys. They’re always a lot a fun. And there is always a good story at the end of the night. On this particular night, an old friend was in on leave from the Marines, boy did I have plans for him. So we travel on down to Norristown to some hole in the wall bar. Drinking, talking, having good times. Three semi-good looking/boring guys at the bar. I set my sights on one; he won’t even look my way. So I move on. I strike up a conversation with his friend. We talked for awhile. He seemed nice, in a dorky way. I was getting drunk, I gave him my number because I knew a bass player I wanted to try and hook him up with. (I still have the piece of paper I gave him my number on.)
My friends and I left drunk as ever, I was still planning on hooking up with the Marine.
We all went home smoked it up, and passed out. Needless to say I didn’t get my Marine.
The next day the boy called, let’s call him Rob. He asked me out, I hesitated, I’m a nice girl, I thought why not what do I have to lose. The following week he took me to the movies, we saw Final Destination. Ha, it seems cheesy I know. But it was fun. He took me home and was a perfect gentleman, ended the night with a kiss. Of course I’m the one who went for the kiss. He just seemed too nice. I was always afraid he was too nice. Always afraid he wouldn’t fit in my world, with my friends. I pushed those thoughts aside and went for it. After that first date we were pretty inseparable. I fell in love with him easily. I never had anyone treat me as good as him, no one as nice as him, so genuine, so caring. He was so insecure about himself too. I loved telling him nice things; things that would make him smile, or reach over and kiss me. I thought I found him, The One. I felt that way for 4 yrs. Through the bad times and all, I was going to stick with it, cause he was The One.
Well I wasn’t The One for him. But I’m blessed the I got The Little Man. TLM, brings me constant joy, and happiness. And like his father he also brings frustration.
4 plus years crazy to think we were together that long. It is crazy to think that you now love someone else, and I’m now just your son’s mother. You will never hold me in your arms and tell me you love me again. I will never feel the happiness of being loved by you. And we will never have that other child.
I am moving on, I may seem torn up still, but I am making great strides to adapt to this new life of mine. I finally have my own life. And it doesn’t revolve around the man it.
So Happy Anniversary Rob, may you find The One.
One Week Prior:
It was still pretty cold out even though it was spring time. The boys wanted to go out drinking and who am I to argue. I love going out for a good time. And I love going out with my guys. They’re always a lot a fun. And there is always a good story at the end of the night. On this particular night, an old friend was in on leave from the Marines, boy did I have plans for him. So we travel on down to Norristown to some hole in the wall bar. Drinking, talking, having good times. Three semi-good looking/boring guys at the bar. I set my sights on one; he won’t even look my way. So I move on. I strike up a conversation with his friend. We talked for awhile. He seemed nice, in a dorky way. I was getting drunk, I gave him my number because I knew a bass player I wanted to try and hook him up with. (I still have the piece of paper I gave him my number on.)
My friends and I left drunk as ever, I was still planning on hooking up with the Marine.
We all went home smoked it up, and passed out. Needless to say I didn’t get my Marine.
The next day the boy called, let’s call him Rob. He asked me out, I hesitated, I’m a nice girl, I thought why not what do I have to lose. The following week he took me to the movies, we saw Final Destination. Ha, it seems cheesy I know. But it was fun. He took me home and was a perfect gentleman, ended the night with a kiss. Of course I’m the one who went for the kiss. He just seemed too nice. I was always afraid he was too nice. Always afraid he wouldn’t fit in my world, with my friends. I pushed those thoughts aside and went for it. After that first date we were pretty inseparable. I fell in love with him easily. I never had anyone treat me as good as him, no one as nice as him, so genuine, so caring. He was so insecure about himself too. I loved telling him nice things; things that would make him smile, or reach over and kiss me. I thought I found him, The One. I felt that way for 4 yrs. Through the bad times and all, I was going to stick with it, cause he was The One.
Well I wasn’t The One for him. But I’m blessed the I got The Little Man. TLM, brings me constant joy, and happiness. And like his father he also brings frustration.
4 plus years crazy to think we were together that long. It is crazy to think that you now love someone else, and I’m now just your son’s mother. You will never hold me in your arms and tell me you love me again. I will never feel the happiness of being loved by you. And we will never have that other child.
I am moving on, I may seem torn up still, but I am making great strides to adapt to this new life of mine. I finally have my own life. And it doesn’t revolve around the man it.
So Happy Anniversary Rob, may you find The One.
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Envy & Admiration
I received a e-mail from my good friend Aerin. Aerin and I go way back. Well way back by my standards anyway. She's the type of friend who you know will always be there, no matter how much time passes you can pick up the phone, or send an email. It's not likely we'll see each other much, but we know we have each other.
It's tough though, we come from two different worlds, and I mean that in a few different aspects. Ya see, Aerin lives in Korea. She came here to boarding school during high school. We met when we were in college. Our schools we're across the street from each other. Needless to say that once we met, college kind of faded away. Yea we got sucked into city life, and being 19/20 yrs old we had have fun. And oh the fun we had!
Anyway Aerin is back in Korea. Her email today brought tears to my eyes. Not necessarily from sadness. She seems like she's in a much better place now. She's exploring other people cultures, as well as helping her people learn English. She says she doesn't do much of anything. Her fun now is reading history and philosophy books. She traveled to an exotic place and had no interest in the tourist stuff . She wanted to see how the people really lived. This experience for her was semi-life changing. You start seeing the world differently, you realize all the stuff you really can do without. She told me so much. And reading it I admired her so much. I was also envious. I don't have her smarts, courage, or that adventurous spirit. And while I'm feeling this way and reading, she closes out her email telling me how happy she is for me. Me? She tells me that she admires me and is envious of me. hmmf... And that made me cry. It just seemed so ironic, here we are updating eachother on our lives, feeling the same way.
She truly is a true friend. And I love you Aerin!
It's tough though, we come from two different worlds, and I mean that in a few different aspects. Ya see, Aerin lives in Korea. She came here to boarding school during high school. We met when we were in college. Our schools we're across the street from each other. Needless to say that once we met, college kind of faded away. Yea we got sucked into city life, and being 19/20 yrs old we had have fun. And oh the fun we had!
Anyway Aerin is back in Korea. Her email today brought tears to my eyes. Not necessarily from sadness. She seems like she's in a much better place now. She's exploring other people cultures, as well as helping her people learn English. She says she doesn't do much of anything. Her fun now is reading history and philosophy books. She traveled to an exotic place and had no interest in the tourist stuff . She wanted to see how the people really lived. This experience for her was semi-life changing. You start seeing the world differently, you realize all the stuff you really can do without. She told me so much. And reading it I admired her so much. I was also envious. I don't have her smarts, courage, or that adventurous spirit. And while I'm feeling this way and reading, she closes out her email telling me how happy she is for me. Me? She tells me that she admires me and is envious of me. hmmf... And that made me cry. It just seemed so ironic, here we are updating eachother on our lives, feeling the same way.
She truly is a true friend. And I love you Aerin!
Wednesday, April 20, 2005
hump day
Ahh this is the first Weds, in about 4 weeks, that I've actually had a full nights sleep, and Im not hung over. This feels good. Although I've had this headache now since Saturday (off and on).
Big shooting in town last night. Very sad. Some nut job killed his ex step daughter, she was 15, he then killed himself. I suppose he went to the house to kill her mother, but she wasn't home. so so sad, that poor mother what she must be going through. It made me go in an give TLM a big hug while he was sleeping last night.
So I talked to the new boy (c) the other night, briefly, but good. We have plans to see each other on Thurs. So we'll see how that goes. Other than that nothing to report.
I wish I could figure out how to add links to my side bar. Im so not good at this computer stuff!
tata
Big shooting in town last night. Very sad. Some nut job killed his ex step daughter, she was 15, he then killed himself. I suppose he went to the house to kill her mother, but she wasn't home. so so sad, that poor mother what she must be going through. It made me go in an give TLM a big hug while he was sleeping last night.
So I talked to the new boy (c) the other night, briefly, but good. We have plans to see each other on Thurs. So we'll see how that goes. Other than that nothing to report.
I wish I could figure out how to add links to my side bar. Im so not good at this computer stuff!
tata
Monday, April 18, 2005
Im "that" girl
This weekend was pretty good. Much better than expected. I was feeling down about not going to Rhode Island. But going out with A&A was alot of fun, The band kicked ass! I sniffed out all the people who party. We went to this guys house (C). Had a lot of fun. I ran into some people I hadnt seen in years. I ran into some people who hated me, as soon as I mentioned my FB's, name. That is a bad feeling. There were also a few cute boys there! And I wasnt there to hook up per say. Maybe meet someone. But noooooo, I had to take it to far, and probably ruin my chance of something more. Yes I was "that girl" at the party who hooked up with the guy who threw the party. And what a nice guy he was. Damn it! I totally runined any chance of something more serious Im sure. Oh and I wasnt even that good. Kind of left the poor guy high and dry. I feel like shit, but heck it was 9:00 am in the morning, we had been up ALL night, I hate my body in the morning sunlight, I hate having dry mouth, and I hate knowing my ride (A&A) was sitting downstairs waiting for me. I try to say no, but I can never stand my ground. So yea, I got action, just like in my last post I said I wanted it. I was just expecting from the FB. haha. I think Im done with him, he is so no good for me, so irresponsible, and very obviously owes 3/4 of our hometown money. ugh! So Im going to give the other guy (C) a call, apologize for being so easy, and not so good. Because I really can be good... just give me a little more time. I hate being "that girl"
Onto to the home front.... TLM and I had a nice Sunday, even though Mommie dearest had a pounding headache and about 3 hrs sleep, but we took a nap, and proceeded to the park. He made a new little friend, her mom and I are going to get together so they can get together. This will be a first. The FB came over to pay me back, (ha! see I get my money when he borrows) butI kicked him out after a hour, I didnt want anything else from him, I figured it had only been 12 hrs since I left the party..LOL... I couldnt be that slutty. The ex called first thing this morning to inform me, that he is unable to take TLM on Tues as schedule, now mind you he did this last week too! Well I didnt wish to speak to him first thing monday morning, especially after having to think about him and the NYPCG all weekend. So I freaked and called him irresponsible, he then hung up on me.Of course he answered when I called back, anyway, I admitted Im just upset and jelous...blah blah blah..... I hate feeling this way!
Onto to the home front.... TLM and I had a nice Sunday, even though Mommie dearest had a pounding headache and about 3 hrs sleep, but we took a nap, and proceeded to the park. He made a new little friend, her mom and I are going to get together so they can get together. This will be a first. The FB came over to pay me back, (ha! see I get my money when he borrows) butI kicked him out after a hour, I didnt want anything else from him, I figured it had only been 12 hrs since I left the party..LOL... I couldnt be that slutty. The ex called first thing this morning to inform me, that he is unable to take TLM on Tues as schedule, now mind you he did this last week too! Well I didnt wish to speak to him first thing monday morning, especially after having to think about him and the NYPCG all weekend. So I freaked and called him irresponsible, he then hung up on me.Of course he answered when I called back, anyway, I admitted Im just upset and jelous...blah blah blah..... I hate feeling this way!
Friday, April 15, 2005
How to ruin a perfectly good Friday
This week was hell. I mean it started off well, but then I bounced the rent check. Luckily they reversed it, once I took the money up. So crisis averted. Temporarily!
So I awoke to a beautiful Friday morning, TLM (the little man) was snuggling up next to me. Told him time to get up and get to school. Im searching for his sneaks, and decided to call his father to make him aware that I need TLM's, sneaks and jacket. Well he informed me he is going away for the weekend. That right, that there is TMI, it may not seem like it. But IT IS!!! Ok, fine put the stuff on your porch, I'll pick up later. Hang up the phone, TLM walks in with his damn sneakers. So here I didn't even need to make the phone call in which I was told he was going away with his new girlfriend. My stomach is now officially churning. So TLM and I are jamming out, hes in the back seat playing air guitar and singing and Im wailing away in the front seat. This is a everyday occurence with us. Its quite the scene! SO who do we pass on the way to school, yep the Ex, and his NG. And since Im so sweet I beep beep. So of course he calls, for some stupid ass reason. I laugh and tell him I remember that he used to take me away for weekends when we first started dating, and that I hope he wasnt taking her to deleware on our anniversary weekend... yes it would of been 5 yrs. UGH.... so that is how you ruin a perfectly good friday morning.
Ok Im over it, really I am!! Im disappointed that my brain constantly betrays me, and that I will continue to think about the fact that they are getting it on somewhere. UGH
Im going to make the best of this weekend. I was so looking forward to spending it with TLM, and I still am.
Tonight we are going to visit friends, and I told him we would picnic on Sunday. Saturday, he's off to the G-Mom's house. And I better be out get some action!
So I awoke to a beautiful Friday morning, TLM (the little man) was snuggling up next to me. Told him time to get up and get to school. Im searching for his sneaks, and decided to call his father to make him aware that I need TLM's, sneaks and jacket. Well he informed me he is going away for the weekend. That right, that there is TMI, it may not seem like it. But IT IS!!! Ok, fine put the stuff on your porch, I'll pick up later. Hang up the phone, TLM walks in with his damn sneakers. So here I didn't even need to make the phone call in which I was told he was going away with his new girlfriend. My stomach is now officially churning. So TLM and I are jamming out, hes in the back seat playing air guitar and singing and Im wailing away in the front seat. This is a everyday occurence with us. Its quite the scene! SO who do we pass on the way to school, yep the Ex, and his NG. And since Im so sweet I beep beep. So of course he calls, for some stupid ass reason. I laugh and tell him I remember that he used to take me away for weekends when we first started dating, and that I hope he wasnt taking her to deleware on our anniversary weekend... yes it would of been 5 yrs. UGH.... so that is how you ruin a perfectly good friday morning.
Ok Im over it, really I am!! Im disappointed that my brain constantly betrays me, and that I will continue to think about the fact that they are getting it on somewhere. UGH
Im going to make the best of this weekend. I was so looking forward to spending it with TLM, and I still am.
Tonight we are going to visit friends, and I told him we would picnic on Sunday. Saturday, he's off to the G-Mom's house. And I better be out get some action!
This is me
WIP- work in progress. What better way to explain me. I'm sure this thing will show how truly mixed up my head is. I may take several different routes. But hopefully eventually this will read smoothly. My spelling may suck, as well as my grammer. I'm hoping that by putting me down in writing it will finally help me move on, and improve some things in my life.
So that is my introduction, now on to my car ride in this morning!
So that is my introduction, now on to my car ride in this morning!
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