Happy Hump Day

Couldn’t get to sleep last night, I was being a typical girl fretting over this and that. Why does having sex with someone immediately complicate things, whether you want it to or not? Is it just me? Why do you lay analyzing things? Fuck, I should not have done it.
He’s fine, he text me all day yesterday, and called me last night; its me who is the one who is feeling weird. I can’t put my finger on it; maybe it had to do with the possibility that we might not get together until NEXT Friday, yes that would be July 7th. That would also be to long. Between work and kids, we are both just to busy; this sucks because I need attention. There is a party this weekend, that will no doubt be fun, but I also know I shouldn’t go. But what hell else am I going to do? All my friends will be there, and C will be out with the boys. Fuck it, I don’t care, well I’m going to act like I don’t care. But you can’t tell me what I can and can not do, and then leave me all alone. How fucking depressing. He asked me today why I couldn’t sleep, what was I thinking about? I said girl stuff.

So my best friends arrived home from Hungry last night. I was so excited, I felt like I was waiting for my Mom and Dad to come home..lol…. Our other married couple friends came over we all had some wine, they had some shots, I did not. Angi is all stressed out; I think this is the first trip that she was actually excited to be back in the States. Apparently there was a lot of family tension, with preparing for her sis’s wedding, and on top of that her Dad is ill. I felt so bad listening to her stories. They did have some good things to say too. Her sisters wedding looked beautiful; it didn’t end until 8am the next morning. A lot of drinking was done; apparently they drink a lot in Hungry. I’m just happy they are home; I was very lonely with out them. I told them I’d give tonight to rest up and relax, but tomorrow on, they are stuck with me.

I really need some headphones; this place is too damn quiet. 2 more hours to go. It is hot as hell outside AGAIN. Cam and I are staying in, think we’ll have some Mac and cheese for dinner, something quick and easy. Heading to bed early tonight, think I may shut off my phone.

I have a few questions, would it bother you if you were dating someone who had a lot of sexual partners? And how much exactly is a lot? Does it make you feel insignificant? I was talking to one of my long distance friends and these questions popped up. Now I
know no one ever comments here, but damn come on now!

tata

Zero Tolerance

Lalalalalala… hey there. My second week of work has been good. I feel really comfortable, and I’m picking it pretty quickly; that is a relief.

This past weekend was BORING. Cam and I were driving each other crazy, and with no money, and no cable, pfft its not fun. My Mom actually text me this weekend, she wanted to take Cam swimming, he already had birthday party plans. I tried convincing him to go before the party but he was not having it. He said he didn’t want to go without me, and if your Mommy is mad at you Mom, why do I have to go?. I agree, if she isn’t speaking to me, why should she be blessed with my son’s love and affection? She hasn’t seen him since November, and maybe has spoken to him 2 or 3 times on the phone when he’s been at my Grandmom’s. I guess I understand why he is hesitant. And once again I don’t understand my Mom’s thought process. The kid is 5, you can’t come in and out of his life when ever it suits you.

Sunday I digressed slightly. Nothing major, I caved, but like I said nothing major. It won’t happen again; which leads me to the Marine. We had our 2nd “date” last night. Well actually he just came over. It was his birthday and we ordered some Chinese, bought a bottle of wine, and watched a movie. Well half of a movie, ok maybe a quarter of the movie. Tee hee. We laughed a lot, talked a lot, made out a lot. Oh my God to make out again. *sigh* butterflies in my belly. It was unusual how comfortable I felt with my body, I didn’t feel like he was picking me apart at all, and never did he say one unkind word. I’m so not use to that. Not sure where this is going IF ANYWHERE, all I know is I had a good time, and there is no pressure. He did make it clear to me that he has ZERO TOLERANCE when it comes to “partying”. At first I said excuse me, is there a ring on my finger? Are we getting a little serious here, but then I said, I’m just kidding that was my defense mechanism kicking in. I told him I totally respect what he is saying, and damn I need someone like that around. Grrrrr. I feel asleep wrapped around him and slept like a baby..zzzzzz

My best friends A&A come home tonight and I can’t wait to see them!! I’m leaving here in 15 mins, picking up Cam stopping at home then proceeding to there house. It is hot as hell outside, I don’t even want to get into my hot ass car.

Oh this was cute… I spent 25 mins in Blockbuster yesterday trying to pick a movie out for the two us, I was so indecisive. Matt had called while I was there about Cam, and I was explaining my movie dilemma, he suggested Hostel. I was hesitant on blood/gore because the whole Iraq thing, I didn’t want to pick the wrong type. But Matt said it would be fine, I was like how funny is that, you picking out my movie for my date and I…lol. Man we sure have come along way. Oh and I’m finally in my son’s top 8 on his myspace page (his dad runs it) lol… I’m actually #2!!

Cam was funny the other day, I kept giggling over text messages, and hes like Mom you better not be texting that boy…

Written Friday 6/22/07

Feeling Smiley!

So my date last night was great. I can’t believe I was even stressing it. I’m glad I didn’t back out. I had ran out to pick up some smokes right before he was arrive. I’m standing in WAWA and he called, and then there he was driving by I was all flustered and dropped my smokes not realizing it until I left the parking lot. I had to turn back around to go get them. Anyway when I pulled he was standing there leaning against his truck, and what a relief he was even cuter than I had remembered….lol. Guys with blue eyes, always looks so good when they are wearing a shirt with blue in it; it intensifies the blue in his eyes. I became really nervous at that point. I had changed my shirt 3 times (so did he) I had a cute black shirt but I got deodorant all over it, I was pissed. So I opted for my boobalicious shirt, makes the itty bitties look good, but it also hugs my chub, that is not so good. He told me I was ridiculous, I told him my ex said he would be disappointed once the clothes came off. He said wow what a nice guy. So we went to my favorite brewery but the location by my house. Dinner was fine, we proceeded to the game room and shot some pool and played some air hockey, that’s when the flirting began. Damn alcohol…lol. I laughed a lot, it felt good. I told him that he can’t come in, because I said that I was only going to ask him in if I didn’t really like him, and I was liking him.
He dropped me off around 10:00, a few light kisses, and mumbling was exchanged. *sigh* Did I mention it felt good? When he got home he called me and we flirted a little more. We are going to spend his birthday together next week, just he and I hanging out. I’m going to cook him dinner, and just chill at my place. *blush* We were texting this morning too, still very flirty.

I went out for a little bit after he dropped me off. I ran into town to a friends house and then stopped at one of my oldest and bestest guy friends had a smoke and beer and went home and CRASHED out.

Low key weekend, Josh (friend) is coming over tonight, I’m making chix parm, we’ll have some drinks and watch a movie . Tomorrow Cam and I are going to my girlfriends house so that our boys can swim together.

Gotta Run time to go!

Tata

I love my job!

So far everything has been going great. Everyone has been REALLY welcoming. I remember I thought that at my last job, and then the bitchy girl appeared; I keep looking for "that"girl here, and so far so good!

Yesterday we blew up about 300 balloons, and put them into the VP of Finance's office, becuase he was away on vacation. This was my boss' idea. Today my boss was out so we took all the balloons from the VP office and put them into my boss' office. Hilarious! The whole office is filled with balloons.
I've been doing alot of training. I actually did some work today. I can't wait till I'm cruising through it and knowing EVERYTHING.
Boy! Boys boys boys everywhere here! I love being SINGLE, wawhoooooooo!!!! Besides my financial woes at home, everything is looking GREAT. damn I cant stop capitalizing everything....LOL
The commute really isn't that much worse, and I leave at 4:30 it actually only took me 30 mins yesterday.

Tomorrow is my date *sigh* I'm not expecting much out of this. I caught myself thinking like a guy last night, figuring that if I'm really not into him, maybe I'll take him home and have my way with him. But if I do see a spark, then I won't. Really I won't I'm not trying to start a relationship in that manner.

gotta run
tata

Someone has a date.....

So I started the new job, I made it through my first day and it is now Tuesday. Yay me! I am so damn tired today. I didn’t sleep well, I kept dreaming of Insertion Orders, and Cam was totally hogging the bed up!! Not much to report at this time.

Oh I have a date on Thurs with the guy I met on Fri. We are going out to dinner. Yea, yea I know its work night, but he works weekends, and Cam is at his Dad’s on Thurs, so this works out better. I had another plan for that night but I had to reschedule that for next week.

So it looks like the EX (pat) has accepted things, and most likely has moved on. I don’t feel like he’s stalking me, and the phone calls have stopped. I gather this is because he knows he did wrong, and he knows there is no chance in getting me back. See if I was wrong, he be hounding me like there is no tomorrow, trying to prove his innocence. But there is really no reason to try and prove his innocence because I was there. I threw away one of the plants from my patio yesterday and I continue to find more of his thing at my place.

My Aunt was very sweet yesterday; she called me immediately when I was done my first day of work to see how it went. It meant a lot to me. My dear Brother called too, later in the evening. Nice to know people are thinking about me. Things are looking good for my Bro too; it looks like he is going to get this Union job he has been praying for. I am very happy for him and his family. Looks like things maybe turning around for everyone. I just need to hold on a little bit longer. I bounce my rent check last week, I mean BOUNCED, my bank didn’t even cover it. I’m not sure what I am going to do at this time. My landlord is so strict, they are very corporate, and they most likely will not let me write a check anymore. My cable is completely off now too. Cam and I went to Kmart yesterday to get an antenna. It only works in the bedroom. I told Cam that this is the way things are going to be for a little while, and that we’ll make the best of it!!

Pet sitting is going well, I feel so bad for little Dozer, all by himself. Cam and I were there till 7:30 last night before we locked him up. I told Cam that we are not going to stay long this evening, I really need to do some things around my place, and I want to get be earlier tonight. Ohh did you see the Special last night with the William and Harry last night. It was great. It’s funny because you see these young men everywhere, but its rare to hear them speak, I forget that there English. They were really cute making fun of each other, the whole interview brought tears to me eyes.

Ok gotta run!

tata

KK is for Krazy Karen

Apparently anyway.The weekend I guess I will say has been great. I hadabout 2hrs of non greatness, 2hrs that I regret. Butthen again not, I think I see someone for who theyreally are. I know I know, I said I'm not worriedabout about boys right now, its all about work. And itstill is!! But Friday was awesome, I didnt go out withlooking for boys even in my thoughts. But I metone..tee hee.Friday I went to see comedy show, a friend of mineorganized. It was $15.00, but I got in free, yay! Assoon as I got there, my friend, E introduced me to hisfriends, and from that point on I hung with thefriends. It was an engaged couple and a single guy,yup uh huh single. LOL The comedy show was great,very funny actually. So me and the boy C, basicallytalked all night. Everyone at the bar was super cool,I made friends with just about everyone there. I evenran into a guy I went to highschool with. I did somedancing, flirting, drinking. Then I got asked to betaken to dinner, awww how sweet is that? So thenumbers were exchanged. I felt like me again. Saturday afternoon, was AWESOME! I went to the WalnutSt theater to see Carousel, LOVED IT. I want to seemore. I was so enthralled, the singing gave megoosebumps. I left there feeling really happy. Theplan in the evening was to chill and watch amovie,well that didn't happen. At first I talked withC (boy from friday, yea he called) for 2 hours on thetelephone. Hmm still trying to feel it out. I got atext shortly after that, and headed out the door. BigMistake.Have you ever been so attracted to someone, that eventhough he is a complete jerk to you 75% of the time,you still want to kow him? Have you ever desiredsomeone so much that when you are with him you can'thelp but look at every inch of him? You look at hiswrists, the shape of his fingers, the creases in hisface. You can't help but imagine what it would be liketo be with him, to be his friend, someonoe he callswhen he needs someone. Does having these such desiresmake you Crazy? I don't think so, I just think itshows how vulnerable, needy, despart to be loved aperson can be.You see there is this guy, who has such greatqualities, but when he is with his friends he's acomplete jerk. its like your in high school and itswho can bust on the girl the most, or who can recitethe funniest lines from movies. So juvenile. itsfrustrating. And I'm so tired of being associatedwith Pat. Fucking Pat! The jokes, the put downs, thewhat were you thinkings, I am so tired of it. Irealize the people who are like that aren't my friendsand the best thing is to not associate with thesepeople, I am just a joke to everyone. Thats whatmakes Friday night all the better. I went out bymyself, and met completely new people it feltreminicent of my life pre-pat. Back to last night, soI took two hours of being picked on, at one point, Ifinally had enough; I got up dumped my beer an left asthey are saying karen, Karen Im sorry, I didnt meanit, don't leave, don't be like that. Well I left. Ireceived a half ass drunk apology later that night, Ican't figure out why he even bothered. But I'm donetying to figure "it" out.I miss A&A, I am incredibly lonely today. I chillingat their house. I laid out in the sun for a bit, it isway to freakin hot out. I watched the movie Runningwith Scissors, I liked it. Dr. Finch was fucked up. Iwaiting on Cam to get dropped off, then probably headhome shortly after that. I have my first day of worktomorrow, so I must prep for that.

Lets chat shall we?

It’s Friday once again, and it is my last day. Everyone keeps asking me how I’m feeling; it really hasn’t hit me yet. I am very excited to start this next chapter in my working career. I truly feel this job change is going to be very good for me. The scary part is just being the new girl once again; and having to learn something completely new. I’ve never jumped around in my working “career” like this; this last year hasn’t been ideal, but I’m trying. The one thing I am confident about is my working capabilities. I know I can absorb, and quickly learn something, I just can’t give up.

A few of us are going downstairs at 4:30 for a drink or 2, then I’m meeting up with a friend and heading to a (free) comedy show in Blue Bell. It should be a fun evening. My house/pet sitting duties start today, so I must stop in town to walk the dog.

I indulged in some text fighting with Patrick today. I have been good and have refrained from conversing with him. Yes, I drunk dialed him 2x this week, BUT not to be nice. I can’t be nice I am still so angry; I just want him to admit, and stop lying. It really doesn’t matter. His ignorance just proves what type of man he is. Did I say man? I mean scumbag. I won’t be calling him again. I have people on back up for me this weekend, if I get into a jam, knowing that makes me feel safe.

I had a great time last night. I went to A&A’s house since it was their last night home; we drank, talked, made fun of, and laughed a whole lot! A few other people came over to add to the mix, there were lots of high fives going around. Cam decided to take a pair of scissors and cut his hair, thankfully there was a hairdresser on the premise to fix it! He was cute; he would not come out to the kitchen because he was acting all shy since there was a pretty girl in the house. D finally grabbed him up and started tickling him, so that broke the ice.

I’m looking forward to tomorrow. Going to the city to see a show in the afternoon, and we’ll see if my evening plans pan out. I’m not holding my breath, but a girl can hope can’t she?

Not sure when I’ll be able to post again. Have a great weekend, and Happy Father’s Day!!
tata

Boobalicious

So last night was fun! Maybe a little too much fun, oh heck never! Ang and I went out for some drinks. I took her home at 8:30 and promptly returned to the bar, I didn’t leave until after 11:00. My itty bitties were getting much attention. My biggest issue I use to have with my self is my chest or lack there of. But once I grew up, I learned to love them. I love being able to put on a tang top, and no bra, and there they are!! The shirt I wore last night was super sexy; I felt good.
I really can’t elaborate too much on the details of my evening, but lets just say I am supposed to have planes this weekend. We will see. Regardless I am looking forward to the weekend. Friday after work I am suppose to have drink with some of the people I work with since it is my last day. Afterwards the plan is to go to a tavern to see a friend’s comedy show. My Aunt is taking me to the Walnut St. theatre, we are going to see Carousel. It is the last show of the theater season and she has 2 spare tickets. I am super excited; I’ve never been to Walnut St to see a show, so it should be fun. Other than that hmm well I guess we’ll see.

A & A leave on Friday to go to Hungry, Im going to be so lonely for 10 whole days!!! I am dog/house sitting, while I am honored to be asked Im not looking forward to what might be waiting for me there. I am staying strong and it isn’t even a struggle. I start my new job on Monday, and that is my main focus right now; not boys!
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Claritan save me!

My nose is aching; I swear I have sneezed some where around 75 times today. No joke! On my way into work this morning my eyes were tearing up so badly I couldn’t keep them open to see. Why is it some days allergies are so bad, and other days it’s like I don’t have allergies. Wait; when I did I acquire allergies? The ex used to drive me crazy every allergy season, I was heartless I know. I guess this is my payback. lol

25 mins. till quittin time, I am ready to go home go for a quick walk/run, shower, then head out.

Last night was quite enjoyable. I have a few friends come over, wine was drunk, I had a bunch of laughs. It was a good evening! I am really not feeling chatty. So that is that!

tata

7pds lighter!

Can you believe that shit?!! Thank you Patrick....

Friday night was awesome I had at my BBQ in the city. Cam and I didn’t leave until 11pm. We ate all kinds of food, danced to some Latin music. I put in the old Tribe Called Quest cd and was rappin Scenario, everyone was cheering me on, and it was so funny! They made me do it a 2nd time because this man Stan had to hear it. On the way home I drove through a wicked thunderstorm. Got home around 11:45, and just chilled. One of my oldest and dearest friends came over at like 1:30 to chill, he left around 3:00 and straight to bed I went! But man He and I some strange conversations, like mind boggling stuff, scientific stuff. I was all god listen to us we sound like a bunch of stoners, oh that’s right we are…lol.

The rest of the weekend was low key. Cam and I spent the day at A&A house on Sat. Ang and I made us a nice dinner, and our other married couple friends came up too. I made it the whole day with out running in to you know who, that alone made the day perfect.

Sunday was laundry, and groceries. Cam watched Daredevil vs. Spidey. Ohh I got a package in the mail this weekend, how exciting. It was a spa gift basket, with lotion, shower gel, bath fizz, and soothing melodies CD; sent by my new company that I start next week. I think that was the highlight of my whole weekend!!

*sigh* So Im proud of myself, and how my weekend turned out, as well as how I am feeling. There is not hesitation when he calls me, I don’t even want to text him back anything mean. I just want to move on, and it feels good. So brotha I believe you owe me a case of beer; it’s been a week… and still going strong!! LOL

Now financially things are scary I just to hang tight until the end of June, things should start looking better by then, I just have to keep juggling.

wowsers!!!

Quickie: If relationship issues are frustrating you, it's time to hang solo for a while.
Overview: The best is yet to come, but it may not look the way you were expecting it to. So go ahead and dream a little (or big) dream, but be prepared, because reality may look very different -- and might just be better.

Virgo
Daily couples love (by Astrology.com)On paper, no one would ever think that you and your sweetheart are a perfect match. However, you know better. It's the little quirks that seem like they'd drive you apart that are actually the glue of this relationship. - Horoscopes by Email - Romantic Compatibility - Dating Do's and Don'ts
Daily extended (by Astrology.com)If relationship issues have got you feeling confused or frustrated, the stars say that it is time to get away from them altogether -- at least for a while. It's time for you to face your fear of being alone, and there is only one way to do it. Take yourself out on a solo date. Go somewhere that makes you feel pampered -- whether it's a fancy restaurant, a posh spa, or front-row seats at the theater. Remind yourself that you deserve to be treated well, and you will start being treated well


I can’t get the puking feeling out my throat. Damn Riesling! I ate a bacon, egg and cheese for breakfast hoping that putting food in my tummy it will make feel better; I think I feel worse.
My friends came over last night, yes my friends. Silly me to have doubted them I guess I should of known they wouldn’t have been told the truth. It was funny though Ang and I got into on the phone, then hung up to cool down and we both called each other at the same time to apologize. Then they came over, we had great time hanging out at my house. I don’t understand why I got sick, I didn’t get sick any other night this week. *sigh*

So it’s Friday wonderful Friday! It’s going to be blazin outside today. I am leaving early to pick up my little monster and we are heading to the city. My friend is having a BBQ, and its going to be FUN! I’ve been looking forward to this all week. Later in the weekend the girls and I are going to go see Knocked Up. Ang and I are going to do a girls night too. She wants me to come there, but that isn’t a good idea; I am still feeling pretty violent, and I have my child this weekend. I am staying on my side of the river; the Ville has nothing to offer me.

How about that horoscope! Man I should really start exploring astrology some more. It interests me so much, and man it’s so on point most of the time.
My outlook on life right now is positive. It sucks to be going through this shit Im dealing with, but it really couldn’t have come at a better time. I feel like I’m shedding my skin.
Oky doke Im going to go make some coffee now, the queasiness has subsided and my body temp. is cooling down.

Have a wonderful weekend!
tata

and the beat goes on

Oh my god it is so damn hot in this office, I seriously feel ill. And it isn’t because I’m hung over, everyone is complaining. Why then is it so hard for the air to be put on; it’s normally freezing in here.

I drank about ¾ a bottle of Merlot last night. I think I used all my minutes on my phone, yap yap yapping away. Prior to the Merlot though, I did sit down to vent some things onto paper. I know I should stop writing about it, but I have to get this off my chest, besides its therapeutic, even though I won’t ever know the answers…..

How could you? What exact thoughts were going through your head? Was I a thought at all? Did you think about me, and just figured I wouldn’t catch you? What were you thinking? What is it that in your brain that made it ok? Can a person be that evil, heartless, and disgusting? How could you; after everything that was discussed the night before? You lying on my couch with your cheesy, jacked smile, so happy to be back there, after that week we had, had. You telling me about my pretty eyes and smile, how much you loved me. None of it was true. You were so proud of yourself, proud that once again you had screwed me over the week prior, and I took you back AGAIN. Guess you got ahead of yourself Sunday morning and didn’t think out your little basement rendezvous enough to not get caught. How could you possibly try to convince me to let you move in, knowing full well you’re incapable of monogamy, let alone being truthful. I have never met anyone that spews the amount of lies that you do and to what extent you will force your lies onto people *sigh* I am so glad it’s over. Sure the way ended sucks for me, but really it probably is the best way; because now I truly despise you. I want to never see you again. I am still so angry I will punch you, I want to you to hurt. I want you to hurt as bad as me, I want you to cry, throw up, loss your appetite. I want you to suffer the humiliation I have.
End rant…

So that is how my evening started, then I bought the Merlot. But I wasn’t feeling sad about him then, I was just feeling lonely. I called my girlfriend, told her I bought a bottle of wine, and I wish she would come over because truthfully I’ve felt hurt that she hasn’t even called to see how I am, or even to see what happened. Yea, well she was tired and didn’t want to. THAT hurt; so commenced to talk on the phone the rest of the evening. Most calls were received instead me calling them. Mia has been there everyday for me, and yet she is the furthest away. She emails me while I’m at work, and then checks on me in the evening. She really has been my biggest supporter, and knows what to say and how to say to me, she doesn’t hold back. She isn’t scared to tell me the truth even if I don’t want to hear it. Same with my friend Josh, we had a good heart to heart last night. He’s having relationship issues, so we blabbed to each other. Man, I talked to my bro, which is always entertaining, my guy friends K, and J, my dad, my Aunts, my Grandmom. I’m telling you I used my minutes up!! My friend J came over and I don’t remember much about him being there. All I remember saying was that I promised I wouldn’t be in this condition when I saw him tonight….LOL.
I promptly passed out at 11:00.

I spy with my round eye.....

Someone is peeping through my archives… hmm I wonder, at 2am no less. Interesting, well not really.

Last night was a very relaxing evening. I had my phone of all day and all night. I put the stereo on when I got home, listened to some live Ben Folds, Cam was hanging in my room watching Batman and Robin. I straightened up the place, cracked a few beers, and purged my place of more things that remind me of the last 2 years; all the while singing my little heart out. My neighbors must love me. It is amazing how many things I have accumulated, I had a lot of pictures to toss, I went through my digital and deleted just about everything. I realized damn there is a years worth of pics on my digital. That’s a years worth of fun times. Halloween was on there, the x-mas cupcake fight was on there, new years eve, our hat party we had, Cams birthday… lots of them deleted. *sigh*
Sleeping still isn’t coming easy. Lying till 2am every night is frustrating, but damn the images that keep playing in my head are an amazing eating deterrent. I guess I should really thank him for that.
Cam is scared Mommy is going to see a judge. I told him not to worry. He said Mom why does Pat wan you to go to jail. I then promptly explained I’m not going to jail silly!! Pat just wants money, he’s all but Mom we have no money. lol he is a smart kid, I put his mind ease and told him not worry about anything, Mommy has it covered, Mommy always has it covered.


Woke today feeling positive; I can face anything. I have a week and half left here, and my new start begins. The timing is absolutely perfect.

Damn preppy across from me is going golfing today and he is semi-dressed down. It’s so funny how different these guys look without there suit shirts and dress pants. I see muscles, yummy muscles. It’s probably good he’s leaving early it could cause distraction.
Now this sounds like the Karen we all know!!

Song of the week

All American Rejects- It ends tonight.

Your subtletiesThey strangle me
I can’t explain myself at all.
And all the wants
And all the needs
All I don’t want to need at all.
The walls start breathing
My minds weaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this eveningI give the final blow.

When darkness turns to light,
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.

A falling star
Least I fall alone.
I can’t explain what you can’t explain.
You're finding things that you didn’t know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing
My minds weaving
Maybe it’s best you leave me alone.
A weight is lifted
On this evening
I give the final blow.

[Chorus]
When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.
Just a little insight won't make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.

Now I’m on my own side
It’s better than being on your side
It’s my fault when you're blind
It’s better that I see it through your eyes
All these thoughts locked inside
Now you’re the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.
Just a little insight will make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,It ends when darkness turns to light
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.
Just a little insight will make this right
It’s too late to fight
It ends tonight,It ends tonight.
Tonight, InsightWhen darkness turns to light,It ends tonight

Losing my shit

So the following rant was written last night, while I was a drunk blubbering mess. You shouldn' drink a six pack, when you have barely eaten for two days. I’m not proud, but I’m honest.

I admit it, I lost it tonight. I said last night to Mia that I wasn’t going to drink this week; it’ll only make things worse. Then again I also said I would read his texts, take his calls, or listen to his voicemails. I knew he would only use those outlets to hurt and humiliate me some more. And he did exactly as I expected. He has called me white trash, and spoke of my bad parenting. He called sweet at first, but when I didn’t respond as expected, then he gets angry. First he threatens to sue me, then he says he’ll have them take my car, albeit knowing the car belongs to my brother. He continues to threaten all day counting down the time that I have to return his things or he is suing me for $265.00.
So I am at my brother’s house tonight, and careless me bought a case of beer over, knowing full well I shouldn’t. I commence to drink, Pat commences to threaten; my brother commences to make chicken head jokes all evening in reference to Pat getting a BJ from a skank. I called the Millers to get my house key back, for my own protection. Of course he was at the Millers when I got there, and couldn’t resist the urge to try and punch him in the face. Well I failed miserably and he pushed me off the steps and slammed the door in my face.
I know it was wrong, very wrong. I’m just hurting so bad. I am so angry, and here he is trying to flip this around. He is so worried abut 1 outfit, that we are losing perspective as to why your things are in the dumpster in the first place. He humiliated me, and he will continue to do so, by spreading negative things about me, and not even having the balls to admit he was wrong. He never admits when he is wrong; instead he lashes out like is. How is a person just suppose to accept that, that is going to be done to them, how do I sit here just hoping and waiting for him to get his just desserts. I want instant gratification, that’s what he is doing. He is trying to make himself feel better by demeaning even more so that he has already. He is going to sue me in retaliation? Because he us a pathetic human being who can’t keep his dick in his pants?

When I think about what I have done the last 2 yrs of my life, I am so disappointed in myself. No one, I mean no one has ever hurt me in such a manner as he did. I can’t even imagine that things that I don’t know. What if I hadn’t caught this weekend, he would of came home with me? What if I never knew?

I realize this sounds ridiculous coming from me. I put up this front like I’ve been playing him, but all along it really has been him playing me. He sucked me in, and as embarrassing as it is to admit; I loved him. I saw what he was, but I also saw what he could be, but now I know he will never be capable of being the man I need him to be or any other woman for that fact.
Present day!
Ok I promise I’m going to stop writing about this. I really do have some positive things going on. Saturday night I hung out with the Ex’s fiancé. We ran into each other at the bar. We had a nice talk, I probably talked to much. I came into work on Monday, to a very nice email from here, and she conveyed what I was actually feeling also. I feel like the 3 of us are on great terms, and I truly hope it stays that way. I never said on here, but I actually had Cam call her on Mothers Day. That is a huge step. I told Matt and Kirsten, that them getting engaged is probably the best thing to happen to me, I finally accepted it. Also now, I don’t feel threatened by her, or them. They are not going to steal my child from me. Right now we all want to work together to do what’s best for Cam.

I ended yesterday’s post stating I got that job I interviewed for last week. I am super excited by this. This is a huge step in the right direction. Its far from home, but I think worth it. The company seems great, it’s a new industry for me, and I love a challenge. So really all this negative shit going, I’m going to do my best to let it roll off, because there bigger and much better things ahead; career wise, and family wise. Its MY time now!

tata

Humiliation

Humiliation is literally the act of being made humble, or reduced in standing or prestige. However, the term has much in common with the emotion of shame. Humiliation is not in general a pleasant experience, as it reduces the ego.
Humiliation need not involve another person; it can be a recognition of one's own standing, and can be a way of casting away false pride.
Humiliation of one person by another is often used as a way of asserting power over others, and is a common form of oppression or abuse. Many punishments are deliberately designed to be humiliating, e.g. tarring and feathering, pillory, mark of infamy (stigma).
However, some people find humiliation by others erotic in certain circumstances: see erotic humiliation.
See also:
Self-abasement
Degradation

I used to think finding out your boyfriend of 5 yrs has a profile on Adult Friend Finder was humiliating. Then what occurred this weekend I think has to be the most humiliating experience in my life. Let’s set the scene shall we….

Saturday was great I had such good time out and about. The bars closed we proceeded to a friends house to keep the party going. You’re there about an hour everything is ok, there is this girl who no one wanted there, she arrived with some guy. She’s nasty, half passed on the couch no one is even bothering with her. I’m outside talking and realize where is Pat? I go into the house, the girl from the couch is gone, Pat is gone, and everyone else is outside. I’m walking around the house yelling his name. I go into the basement which is pitch black, nothing. I go back up the stairs, then here scuffling coming from the basement. I go back down and behind a door there is Pat hunched over quickly buttoning up his pants. The girls is no where to be found. The owner of the house turned on the light and the girl is hiding in a corner crying, “please don’t let her beat me up, nothing happened.” Meanwhile Pat is saying “what, what there is no one down here”? After that its mostly a blur. I mean could this really be happening? Could he blatantly take some girl downstairs to suck his dick, so she can get a line. My stomach is sick, I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I am still so angry I want to hurt him, I want pummel his face. How could he do that? Wait a minute this isn’t the first. I know Im an ass, I should of gotten out of this a long time ago. I’m addict, and he feeds it. I threw his things away; I threw my ring away, his cd’s and every picture that has him in it. Now he is saying he is going to sue me for 200$ because I wrote a note a year ago saying I would pay it back. Yea, he is upset (this is how he responds when he is wrong). He is going to lie to everyone that this never happened. Well my heart says differently, as does the people who were there. The sad part about it all is that I think he actually believes the lies he tells. It truly is sad, he is such a sad, sad person; pathetic really. What am I? First I’m gullible, I want to believe the things people say, and I’m needy. He knows this he feeds off this. Well no more!! No more damn it. I have suffered through such degradation, lies, humiliation. My life is going to be 110% better now.
And I got a NEW job, up up and away. There are good things that happened this weekend more on that later.
Mom, I hope your not getting a cheap thrill out of this… please