no weekend for me.

So tired, and stressed. This week has been unbelievable work wise. I feel like I get caught up on one thing and there are 4 more things that need to be done too. Don’t get me wrong I am totally enjoying it. It’s what I wanted for the longest time. I’m working Sat and Sun and I don’t even mind.

I let loose a little last night, nothing major, went to A&A’s house for a bit. Cameron totally blew me away. He has such a serious conversation with our friend Fran who is a few years older than me. What they talked about; super heros, duh. I know my son is totally into super heroes, and his action figures there must be like 200 in my house. But he spewing knowledge I didn’t even know that he knew. And he sounded so serious and grown up when speaking, we were all laughing. I knew he enjoyed being included with the adults. We were sitting out back, and he sometimes gets upset that the grownups get to have all the fun. It was nights like that, that I just wish I could remember everything single thing he said. I feel so proud to be his Mother. And I pat my self on the back too; because even with all my screw ups, he is just fucking amazing. Yesterday I was saying that I was crazy, he goes Mom, you are not crazy, and you say that everyday. I said, well I think I’m a little crazy. He says Mom I see EVERYTHING that you do all the time and you are not crazy. Lol… nothing beats that.

I feel bad that we haven’t had a lot of down time this week, and now tomorrow I have to work so he is going to his Grandparents for a few hours then hi Father has him for the next 4 nights. I don’t know if I like this new visitation schedule!! I’ll have him next weekend thought so I think of something extra fun he and Mom can do together. Actually next weekend is First Friday, and there is a small town thing going on, on Saturday. Hopefully the weather holds out and continues to be nice.

This weekend will be low key for me. It was suppose to be that way last weekend but it certainly was not!! It was too crazy for me actually. I wanted to see if I still got “it”. It being the ability to go out on my own broke and still make a night of it. And damn if I didn’t. Friday was crazy, spent the evening at the brewery, than back to A&A’s house. I didn’t get home till 1:30. Saturday was the craziest, starting at the brewery, then headed to this new Irish Pub in town. Lots of boys there; left with a few to continue the festivities at someone’s house. I didn’t roll into bed until 5:00 am. Oh and some a-hole broke my side view mirror, nice. Some people just cant hold there alcohol. My car goes into the shop on Monday for inspection; I’ll get the mirror fixed then. I have to get my car insurance reinstated as well as my registration. Ugh, my check is already spent. I’m hoping to have 20-24 hrs of OT this week, and Im thinking about asking for it next week instead of waiting until next payday. I don’t know if they will do it, but I have to try. I am tired of being negative 300.00 every time I get my check. And damn I want my cable back! I mean seriously, I’m so bummed that I’m missing all these premiers.

Man, the local connection has been down for about an hour now here at work, and it is only affecting a few people, but one of them is me, and I have fucking ton of work to do. This whole morning has been a complete waste. I can’t stay late tonight, it just means I’ll be here longer tomorrow.

Holy Moly its a post!!

Man ol man have I been negligent here; so sorry. This will be long; well I only have a half hour till quittin time so it won’t be THAT long.

I’m 31 now, Wahoo; and I feel great! My birthday celebration was fantabulous!! I started partying a little too early so I had no goodies when I went out, but that was ok; I planned on drinking plenty of red bull and vodka’s to keep me going. I couldn’t wait all day to start the getting pretty to go out process. Angi straightened my hair for me, I could not find a new cute shirt to wear, I was bumming. I wore one of Angi’s that I did not feel comfortable in at all, I was way too chunky. But alas I wore it anyway; at 10:00ish I was telling Dina about my dissatisfaction with my outfit and she said she would not have let me out wearing. Damn!! So I grab Angi’s keys and we head over to the bridge for an outfit change. How funny! But isn’t Angi the best, she was all come one lets go. So I added a strapless black dress over a pair of jean I felt MUCH better. By then the hair was pulled back also. I was buzzin good; a few trip out to a friends car made it better..lol…. The band came on late, but totally rocked we were dancing our butts off. Andy gave me a birthday shout out and everyone cheered and I felt soooo special…. Then they played one of my favorite songs, and he gave me another shout out. Angi was drunk enough to yell a request for a song they already played… it was hilarious. I ran into an old boy I hooked up with about 2yrs ago, he’s been texting me ever since; I have no interest. Oh #1 crush was there with his girlfriend, and it was all good. It feels good to be over that. I was a social butterfly, getting happy birthday wishes from everyone. We left the bar at like 2:30 (no I didn’t drive) Went to A&A’s house… we were sitting there drinking more when the door opens and all I see is this bare white ass backing in. Here it was the singer from BGL and his girl. We commenced to sit around talking to 4:00 am. Andy was a stupid ass and decided to play a game he called secrets, but apparently he was the only one with a secret- he won $100 on the lottery a week prior and didn’t tell his wife….bwahhhh Well that is when the night abruptly ended. All in all it was a totally fun night I just don’t understand how it went so fast.

Now my actually birthday was the next day. Ang got me up at 9:30 to go to breakfast and our other married friends joined us. I believe I spent the rest of the day lounging on my couch, resting up for the VMA’s’ which totally sucked by the way. A&A got me a birthday cake which I was truly grateful for. A birthday isn’t the same with out a birthday cake.

So C and I left for vaca on 9/10. Yea I’ve been chatting about it for months and stressing. But I was going with a positive attitude. The ride up was uneventful; it took about 6.5 hours to get to Plymouth. I was happy to get there and rest. The hotel was nice it was seriously right on the water, when the tide was in there was no beach. We got to rest a little bit before dinner, and then we headed to a steak joint downtown with C’s friends. After dinner we headed back to their house where guys went outside to smoke cigars and the ladies chatted indoors. Once the wife went to bed I went to hang with the guys. They smoked their cigars I smoked my J. Oh I have to say I absolutely love the accent up there. I just wanted to hear his friend keep talking. And they were super nice. So the first night, wasted- check. The next day was raining and we headed to Boston. We first walked the around the whole city looking for the center in the pouring rain. Then we found what we were looking for!!! We were all soaked but in very good spirits. Through the course of the day, we hit up 7 different bars; needless to say on the T back we were pretty hammered. I laughed a lot day, it was good time. When we got back to the room we jumped in the hot tub for a bit and ordered take out. I was asleep by 10:00. Weds, just C and I went to downtown Plymouth for the afternoon. I finally got my witches ball that I have been wanting for years. Chris was sweet enough to buy it for me, now all I have to do is hang it. After returning to the room, I went on the beach by myself to feel the water and look for rocks… how romantic. We went out to dinner just the two of us, but we have NOTHING to talk about. Seriously, I try to conjure up something but can’t. That is not me people I talk all the fucking time, I drive people crazy with my talking. After dinner we hung out at one of the local bars, and I had fun talking to everyone else, and grooving to some songs in my seat. We played Wicked Trivia… I was talking with the DJ outside… the people were really nice. Plymouth is a beautiful place. We left to come home at like 11:30; the ride back was 7 hrs long and way too quiet. I was truly anxious to get home and to see Cam. The whole way back though I just though about the relationship, and is this really what I want.

I mean really we are tow completely different people. Yea opposites attract and sometimes and it works out just not in this case. You have to have something to talk about; things in common. We both have children but we are even way different on that end. I’m not perfect but damn I just don’t feel he is involved enough. And it’s like he is a high school parent living at home with the parents, and going out once his daughter is bed. I can imagine sometimes but it’s just too often for my liking. I realize he just probably doesn’t know any differently but still. I always felt like he paid no attention to Cam too. Cam likes everyone, but C seemed always reserved around him. And who goes over a week with out talking to your child? I wouldn’t be able to do it. Sure she may not talk on the phone, but what’s the harm of calling her to let her know Daddy misses her and is thinking of her. We are just two completely differently thinking people. I couldn’t stand the racist jokes/comments as well as the homophobic ones. I don’t think that way. Our views are opposite. Oh and lets not forget the “that’s the woman’s job” comments. And the men are smarter; it is so fucking annoying even when you add a little laugh afterwards. Cave man.
So I broke up with him, as much as I wanted him to be the one you can tell there were things bothering me. I told Matt today when we talked. He said sorry, I said no biggie, he just isn’t you. He laughed and said yea they are pretty big shoes to fill. More like pants I said….haha… I’m so glad Matt and I get along so well, but then again we always he just didn’t love me enough, and now I understand that feeling.
Ok I’m wrapping this up. TGIF!! Doing nothing this weekend. Everyone is out of town, and Cam is with Matt. I’ll be hanging at A&A’s alone watching cable.

Have a great weekend.

1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 exhale

Why must I be so completely bitchy? I feel like the closer I get to this little getaway the more annoyed I get with him. I don’t want to be, I just am. I’m hoping that I am over reacting about everything and it is going to be great. I think he and I both very stubborn, and hard headed and him being a little “thick” in the head doesn’t help matters..

Ya know when we first started planning our little getaway the plan was the 2 of us going away for a few days alone; most likely go to the beach or something. The alone part for me was key, because here, we are always sharing our time with either of our kids, and his work and meetings schedule. There are always distractions, so we thought going away would be great. Then he has the bright idea, of going to Mass. Because one his Marine buddies lives up there. So now the distraction free vacation, well it’s now a trip to go visit his friend and have his friend show us around and what not. Hmmm am I too bitchy? Monday is dinner at his friends, Tues his friends are taking in to the city, Tues. night is dinner with his friend in the city, and Weds afternoon is a trip into town with his friend. I mean are we fucking idiots that we can’t make it to point a to b without some hand holding. Thursday we wake up and leave. Can someone please point out when I get to relax? Can someone tell me when I get to revel in some alone time with my boyfriend. The way he speaks any downtime we have he is going to be sticking it to me. Once again where does that leave me, I don’t orgasm. *breath Karen* seriously I thinking Weds I’m not doing ANYTHING…. We have a beach front room, and I am using it. He can do what ever he wants, I’m staying put. I will crack a bottle of wine and drink it by myself and smoke my pre-rolled joint, and just relax. Wow, that all seems great. I feel better already. Ugh its also frustrating because when I tell people the itinerary I just laid out for you they all go… what? I thought it was the 2 of you going away. I just laugh, then I cry.

I really am just a ball of anxiety right now. I’m about to cry at my desk. I’m trying not to think about my next payday, and how I have to get car insurance in order to get my car inspected… this all money I do not have. Plus my rent was due 5 days ago. I’m taking $100. with me next week so I have some $$ in my pocket, plus I want to get Cam a gift, and hell, by myself a birthday gift. Gifts become scarce when you get older.

I’ve also been comparing vacations too much. The one Matt took me on; I didn’t feel this way at all!! He took me away for my birthday, surprised with something sexy to wear, as well as a few gifts, and a room on the beach in N.C. and it was just me and him. And the vacation solidified us. We came back from that vacation in love, and I moved in a month later. We had so much fun on that vacation, kayaking, swimming, and nice quiet dinners alone. The love making was incredible. Why am I thinking about that? Because it’s all about ME!! But in this case it all about HIM!! And as unfair and selfish I sound, I don’t care, that’s ME. Hmmf!

Deep breath…. I’m totally smoking before we leave to relax me… according to him 5hrs is not that long, well it is long to me. I feel we should bring food with us, not just for the ride, but for when we are there. I would like to be able to grab something to munch on or drink in the room as opposed to having to run out and get things. And hell I need my munchies… oh and some wine, I want to be prepared with my drinks

Ok Im going to stop bitching now, because I actually feel better. Hmm should I forward this entry to him?

Put me out of my misery

I can’t shake this funk. I’m incredibly miserable, unsure of myself, tired, fat, and I suck at my job. Man I hate have having my period.

I can’t stay focused at work this week. I’ve got so much on my mind, and all I feel like doing right now is crawling into my bed. 2 more hours, then I get to pick up Cam, I can not wait. I think it will be a happy meal night, because I don’t feel like cooking. I’ve been feeling like I’ve not been doing well at work. The mistakes are minor, and completely fixable, but I feel so ummm like I suck!! The poor boy who sits across from me is always having to answer my questions. And every time I hit the submit button he receive a copy. He reviews them, then I hear “Karen” and I go “ugh” …LOL…. I’m glad he’s got my back, I just feel s so stupid.

I didn’t want to eat this week. Ok well I was going to cut back drastically anyway. So I’m at A&A’s house last night, and I had a very small portion of food. Then commenced to drink wine and smoke; at 9:30 I headed home. But do you know what I did? I fucking stop at McDonalds. MCDONALDS. I don’t even particularly care for there shitty food, but I stopped and got a chix nugget meal. A whole meal!!!! I went home straight to my room unpacked the bag, and ate. Now granted I only ate half of the fries, but then I lay down to go to sleep. I was seriously thinking about getting up and purging what I had just eaten. I still felt so grossed out by the eating thing when I woke this morning. I just keep getting bigger and bigger.

My Mom saw Cameron the other day while my g-mom was babysitting. Cam said he was nice to her. She bought him an outfit and some socks. The outfit is huge, so you know what I’m doing? I’m exchanging it for something for ME. My birthday is coming up this weekend. I’ll take a picture of me I my new shirt and send it to her and say thanks for the b-day present…LOL….. Oh stop… Cam won’t even realize it’s gone. And damn I want a new shirt for my b-day to wear out Saturday night! Also while I’m at Target this evening I’m going to apply for a PT job.

So this weekend is my b-day. I know I always try and make a big deal out of it. This year’s celebration should be good. My friend’s band is doing a show in town, so everyone will be there. Funny thing is, the place the show is at, is the restaurant my parents ran back in 88-91 sometime somewhere in there. I spent a lot of time in this bar, as did my parents. Now it’s me at there age, hanging there. But hey I’m not doing coke in the office, or the basement..lol My married friend Air… is suppose to come I have not seen her in a while, ever since she got married. I’ll be surprised if she does actually show up. I have about given up on her. I’ll miss Mia not being here this year. It was the highlight of my b-day last year. Sunday I plan on hanging at A&A’s house and watching the VMA’s. Monday C and I leave to go to Massachusetts. I can not wait.