Unloveable

Been thinking lately is it possible that I have become unloveable? The last 4-5 years have been filled with so much drama, and bad relationships. Not to mention theres my actions as well. Could I be to used up, and damaged, am I even capable of a healthy stable relationship? Ray and I started off well I guess you can say that was a good relationship it just went on to long after the fact that we knew that it wasn't going to be. I guess I still measure everything to the Exs and I relationship. 4 yrs with one person is a long time. At this time I can't see being with anyone like that. I think I'm totally screwed up from everything I've been through and done these past few years. I don't respect myself and with that I let people disrespect me. Im all messed up.

tata
kake

blah...

Feeling incredibly blah today. Not sure why. I just can't snap out of it. I wish this cold would leave for good. I'm tired of coughing, it hurts.

depressed.

Feeling good.

I woke up this morning feeling determined. Determined to make this a good week, a productive week. TLM is home and everything seems balanced out now. I feel as if I have purpose. Waiting for him to come out of the doors at the end of the day is so exciting. There really isn't thing better then that first hug and hello. Homework time went smoothly, dinner eh... Thankfully there is not football tomorrow. I am looking forward to having a yummy pot roast dinner and then we are going to watch Transformers. Football; Weds, Thurs and Sat. Saturday evening the plan is to go pumpkin picking and some carving. Looking forward to roasting some pumpkin seeds. hmm hmmm. Sounds like a good week to me. Low key.

I am in the need for some low key. The last month and half or two, I feel like I've been in overdrive. Living as if I have zero responsibilites, or a care in the world. Well that isn't true!! My problem is if I have a really good time I try to go out and do it over and over again. And that, well it turns destructive. See I have progressed since 2005, how about that!

Staying away from men. I need a break. I wish I could erase that mental picture I took a bit back. Cause I can see it so clearly and its such a yummy image, it makes me sad. It's been a long time since I have been so physically attracted to someone. It took me by surprise. But peel the cuteness and it was nothing. but oh how cute. I digress.... anyway yeah Im staying away from guys. I need a f*n job.

tata
kake

I should of known.....

it was going to be a bad week. It started off bad. I made a huge mistake by commenting on the step moms blog which linked her to mine. Yes I should have known better. Ive been doing this for almost 4 yrs. I spent most of my Sunday reading through 291 posts to try and sensor what I wrote. But I know no matter how much I sensor it, the damage is done. I try so hard to be someone they like, someone they won't talk about, especially when Cam is there and can hear whether they know it or not. I know I've had a shitty past, and I can't say I'm proud of my present either. I'm a mess, I know. No matter what I do, I can't seem to do the right the thing. One thing I do know for sure I am genuine with how I feel about things today. I don't want my ex, I am very happy with the relationship we have. Sure I wonder what it would be like to raise Cam with his Mom and Dad in the same house but I accept that didn't happen. And the way I look at it the best case scenario came out of it all. Sure I'm the screw up and I'm reminded daily. I also know I have the power to change it. I don't hate on anyone for having it better. I think Cams super lucky to have the two homes that he does. All my past antics will be deleted before he can come across them. Hell if I had a great printer I'd print this out now and delete. I just can't bring myself to do it right now. It kills me that I had to delete all that I did the other day, but oh well the past is the past. i truly am happy that the Ex found his One, I believe I have stated this before. Its never been YOU I disliked. its always been me. I think you know that.

So that's how the beginning of the week started out. Well its only Tuesday, and it really didnt get any better. Obviously I've had some issues in my current "relationship" which I freely documented here. Way too many awkward moments. Im always doing the talking. When a girl feels less confident its a good time to try and make her feel better. That never happened I have a feeling that my lack of confidence was very unexpected, as well as my neediness. I had a funny feeling all day. Three of my bestfriends told me I was silly. Karen, if he didnt like you he wouldn't...yada yada yada... this is what Ive been hearing for 3 weeks. But me being in the situation knows better, duh. I'm just kind of PISSED it didn'tcome to a head Saturday night or even early in the week, when I sent the email. I mean christ you had your out then, why drag it on a few more days? Boys. I got all pretty at the Millers and I smell so good and all I could think about the last 2 days was this evening. And bam thats it. I guess it serves me right. I said below I was only giving it till the end of this week. Hell I said it below, and to my mom, to my friends. Shit I knew already. I jeapordized a very important relationship if not 3 relationships to have my fun. Karmas a bitch, and it bit me. Chalk it up as another experience. Isn't that what I always do? Christ I knew it that first morning. I'm was just to much of puss to face it. The longer you sit and think about it, the more you start analyzing everything. And wondering really what was the underlying reason. I mean, when theres no words being spoken, whats really going through the head.? Im certainly not going to ponder this much, its just the wine at this point. Tomorrow is a new day... on a side note CRAZY ASS SHIT..... AS i FINISHED TYPING THE WORD- TOMORROW-, MIA TEXTS ME: 'girl more than anything I undertand rejection.... tomorrow is a new day (!!!!) U conquered a boy now find a man'........ Hmmf we were thinking along the same lines. God I love my friends!

Needless to say BT#2 is VERY happy. Says finally he can treat me like a lady should be treated. I'm hesitant but will try it out. I will keep him away from Cam for now. I've always had lots of friends especially guys. I don't have sleepovers, nor am I affectionate in front of him. Cam knows he is my number 1 guy. He makes me tell him. He makes me list all my favorite people in order. He is my 1,2, and 3. He is what keeps me going. It makes me sad that I dont have him this week. Totally selfish.


tata
kake

fuck, fuck, fuck

I made a boo boo.... thinking I should just delete this a start anew. Besides I am not the same girl I was in 2005-2007

Waiting

My email I suppose went over well. Did I get a response not really. He concluded (via text) that we should not have serious discussions via instant messaging. He then came over, I guess that meant that all is good. I suppose it was too much to ask for to actually sit down and type out a reply and make feel better. I mean there are number of points in email that could have had some rebuttel. I think Im going to stick with my 2 week time line. Well I guess Im almost at a week. I don't any phone calls yesterday. Hey how babysitting Maia? Was she good for you? How was Cam's game? Did they win? Did he get to play?... Nope not one questions of interest in my life. I can't stop thinking he's just not that into you. Ugh why me???!!!

So it's now Friday, curious as to what the night has in store for me. I just talked to Angi, if she feels up to it, they'll come over and hang out. I'll give Josh a call and Lisa.... 20$ say BT#1 is going out. I refuse to sit home and do nothing. Matter of fact I have my whole morning and afternoon planned tomorrow. As well as going out to dinner tonight with Gmom.

I deserve better than this.

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Open mouth insert foot...

I swear I've had to have used that as a title before.

Ok so BT#2 really kicking into overdrive, making me over analyze everything with BT#1. I mean BT#2 makes many valid points, but is it all under an alterior motive? Yes wants to date me, he wants to do alot of things to me. He says ALL the right things. I mean really. But I can't let go of the fear that is a game to him. I'm an object out of reach. What if I gave up on BT#1 to realize I made a huge mistake? Christ I feel like a fucking teenager. Should these things really be that hard? So I told BT#2 that I need to stop talking to him. I need to think on my own a bit. I was fine last week when we weren't speaking. He said okay bye. then says wow. And thats that. I fired off an email to BT#1 one apologizing and explaining things clearer. So we'll see what happens. Im afraid I may have went to far and freaked him out. If so oh well, I'll go with I was right...lol I'm 33 I'm not 24. I keep trying to remember me at 24 and Matt at 24. We met we were 23. I don't recall thinking of him as clueless. Matter of fact he fell for me, fast, and hard. And now we have Cam. That is part of my problem Im use to guys falling fast and hard. I mean the last one, loved me after one night of rolling around making out, no sex. Yes I realize it wasn't the healthiest of relationships, but I have a lot of great memories and experienced things I never thought I would. But nonetheless it wasnt meant to be.

stay tuned

tata
kake

kick em to the curb

So I'm thinking, tomorrow I'm gonna just kick it to the curb. Yes I am having fun, but I'm so not good at casual. Casual and intimacy just doesn't go together for me. I feel it is impossible. Well maybe once it's possible, but anything more you are crossinga dangerous line. Here I sit on Monday night, thoroughly enjoying my tv night. How I Met Your Mother was great. Actually felt like I could totally relate. And as happy that I am that Cam is home, I can't help but notice that the phone doesn't ring, or beep. No interest in my day, no real interest in me. Just real interest in fulfilling a need; a want. That's me, always has been. I'll chalk it up as experience.

I know I'm the idiot that brought this on. That is why I will kick it now before I TOTALLY make an ass out of myself. I'm so gullible.

3 glasses of wine.... tee hee

tata!

sad

I can not shake the unbearable sadness I seem to be carrying around today. Shit. I think I was on such high yesterday a natural high, that today it is just impossible for me to be happy. I have the option of going out tonight, and I should. I really feel like crawling into bed and crying. Why must I be so up and down? I'm sure once Im showered and pretty I'll feel better. Receiving attention when Im out will help. I crave it.

Need to vent

My problem is I start to over think things too quickly. Last night so truly enjoyable, but then the sun rises and I feel all stupid again. I don't know what to say. When there is something on my mind and I can't get out verbally I sit there and think and think about it, and it affects my mood. I'm wondring when I go out tonight am I going out as a single girl? Is he going out as a single guy? I don't want to be played. If I'm not there should I worry? Is this a night time thing only? Am I a secret that isnt supposed to get out? Am I embarassing? What is wrong with me?
So many questions with no answers. I feel like I'm up against a wall. I'm not calling, I'm not pathetic.
Must find a ride to the football game.

feeling so down right now.

tata

Romeo take me somewhere where we can be alone....

Taylor Swift's Love Story has been in my head since I first rolled over this morning.

So all I keep doing is thinking how completely different things are so suddenly, personal life wise. Two weeks ago I was stuck in this vicious cycle with an ex, and completely miserable. But if it wasn't for the vicious cycle I may have not wound up fighting with him and going out that Friday and seeing the people I did. If I didn't see the I people I did, I wouldn't have ran into him the following day, and this past week would never have happened. Ya follow me? A perfectly alligned set of events. . I am not going to stress over it, and over think, just go with it.

I made a killer dinner last night. I think I impressed myself. It wasn't a new dish, so I guess I should have mastered now. Went on a hunt to find the movie True Romance, 3 places. Best Buy had it but it was like 30$, crazy. So I must add it to my queue.

Is it me or is it completely hot when a guy drives a car....LOL... I mean seriously there is something about the control, the agressiveness, confidence.

My lack of self esteem is in full force. I can't seem to stop apologizing and being super shy. This must become annoying. I have had this serious growth face all week, its horrible. Totally embarassing. I feel so sub-par. ugh!

I'm thinking of going for a nap.

tata

Well here I am again!!

So I finally have internet at home, for the first time ever. I know, weird. I 've been reading through my archives, I think I am well over due for a purging of somes posts. I was bad girl back then. But man so hot....lol . I could say alot changed I could also say alot hasn't. But ya know what? Alot has changed and so have I. Yea I'm still a quirky, giggly, loud mess but I'm older, maybe a little wiser. It may take me a little to get back in the swing of things with writing, I have more to worry about now, Cam is almost 8 yrs old,

What I must blog about right now is a throw back to the old Me and say .......MAN MY BODY IS ACHING RIGHT NOW. I've been with the same guy for almost the last 2 yrs and to finally break it off and move on really feels good. What is happening right now is fun, something I needed. Not fun like to old FB days. Just something not yet complicated. But things always get complicted now don't they? *sigh* I felt very old but at the same time young,hot and damn I dont know stupid. very self conscious. Should of moved slower. So many thoughts right now, I needed to get a few out.

What to do with the rest of the day? I don't really feel like walking anywhere...lol...It is gorgeous weather out everyone is working. Unemployed life can be alonely. I actually look forward to the neighboring kids to arrive home from school. Yesterday 3 of the kids were gathered around me as a waited for my date? ride ? -a boy. They were all in my business, and complimenting me how I looked. Sweet. They chased after the car... LOL. My Mom and I find it funny that I'm the mom with all the kids at her house. I enjoy it most of the time. The constant referring (sp?) gets tiresome. Cam is at his Dad's this week. It is my free week... but today I am just feeling to drained to do anything.
Maybe I'll pop on later.


tata

Wow who is THAT girl?

over to side of this page. Damn I wished I still looked like THAT! 20-30pds and I could be hot again. I attempted to exercise twice this week, and now I can hardly support my weight, my thigh muscles are so incredibly sore. I took today off but will be back at again tomorrow. My hardest issue is not eating so much. I love eating lately. I'm not working, I'm not driving therefore I am home A LOT. Job possibilities are very small, since I'm not driving. Another 6 months from now Im not sure what I'm going to do. Nevertheless I will persevere. It has been quite a life change these past several months, but come to think of it, it is constantly changing. My car accident repercussions are in affect. I will not be driving until Dec or Jan.. I spent two weekends in Montogemry County jail; which was truly an experience. Eye opening, heart opening, reality slap in the face. I know that I never want to go back there again. I mean who would? It really makes you think while your in there. The girls in there made me sad though, well the girls and the women. What was there story? Where did life go wrong for them, that this is the path they are on. I wish there was some way to get involved. I know I sound stupid, but it really got to me. Oh and the food there is the most awful food I have ever eaten. It has to be the states minimum standard. I didnt eat, I drank my liquids mostly. I'm glad it is behind me.

You know the best part of being with a job and license? It is walking Cam to school every morning. I also walk to pick him up on my weeks that I have him. He has not complained once since Dec. It feels really good to have this time with him. Sometime hange is good, really good. Man reading back in the archives of this blog while in the midst of addiction problems, I see over and over again, how I was going to do better, how I was going to be better. And god damn it I can say I AM better, and it feels fanfuckingtastic!!! I'm still repairing the damage I caused in my life, and I know that this will take some time. But I am optimistic!

I really need to write more.