Seriously discouraged....

but yet sometimes so optimistic. That is my general state of mind. This whole not hving a job thing is becoming a huge deal, and I'm seriously not enjoying this. Have I created such horrible karma, that I can't get back to where I used to be. I know things don't happen over night, but I am seriously trying here. I think about all the job interviews I've been on, all the the mis opportunities that I have let pass me by, all due to poor judgement. Now I still go into the interview like the job will be mine; I feel it goes very well, then nothing not even a courtesy rejection call. Am I that much of an idiot that I am misreading things that badly. Its all since I let that good job pass me by due to my bad habits. ugh, this really does suck. What if my creidt takes forever to repair? What if I can't dig myself out of this debt? I want a FT job so then I Can get a PT job, and just work my ass off. Now that the Ex is home, I can hopefully count on him being their for TLM.

Now the work issue aside, I feel great. The longer I'm alone the more clear headed I feel. It is amazing how different your thought processes are when your alone, and behave. I want to do all these things, all these little projects. I want to make all my health appts. and get everything back on track. I want to join some kind of something so Im doing something good for me, plus I meeting new people. I want so much right now. But I can't do anything until I correct this job situation.

Things with Cam and I are great. Its still not easy at times dealing with a 5yr old, and not having a male figure in the house. He definately knows how to manipulate me, and his father for that fact. He is like two different children between the two houses. But I am thoroughly enjoying. Answering all his questions, in awe of his innocense. Guilty that I can't provide the family life I wanted to for him.

So yea the Ex is home from the road. Looks like he will be here for a while. It is amazing how him putting a ring on her finger has changed the way I feel towards him. I still call too much, but its only about Cam its not for ANY other reason. I just always have to remind him of things. Mainly returning clothes that are there ( its was his idea to keep me separated). school things, and visitation. Eventually this will all trickle down. Its just an adjustment period we all have to go through. Its nice having him home, so that we have visitation schedule again. That means more "me" time. And that time is very fragile right now, because I'm not sure what to do with myself. Cam had to go through an adjustment period, having his Father back home to. THe holidays was just too much. I had to talk him into going twice in one week. But everything is back to normal on that front. I made sure to talk to him about it, and spoke to his dad too. I want to be able to speak to either of us about anything, and Im trying to instill that now.

FB and I.. hmm well you saw that I wrote above, the longer Im alone the better I feel. So take that anyway you want it. Im just not ready to fess up about all this topics entails. All I do know is that we are not good to together, and we both need to get our asses in better shape.

The last 2 yrs of my life have come to this. Which is absolutely nothing. I have messed up EVERYTHING. I can say I had alot of fun, but now I also can say that it wasn't worth it. The things I've done to others and myself, things I am not proud of. Things that know one knows about. Things that a woman who is also a mother should be deeply ashamed of. The ways I have demeaned myself are countless. I just want to hide, and become someone different. It has all lead to this, thats all I keep thinking.