So another week bites the dust.
It is absolutely gorgeous outside today; I want to leave right now. But I still have an hour left. It my weekend with Cam and I can’t wait to pick him up from school. The 3 of us are supposed to go to dinner, then just home to veg. out. Tomorrow is going to be an early morning, we have an easter egg hunt and registration is at 9:30. Cam does not know that we are going yet, but he should enjoy it. I’m picking up my little cousin on the way down, Cam will be really excited by that! Saturday night a friend of mine organized a comedy show at one of the firehouses around here. 30$ for 4 comedians, and beer and food. Sounds like an awesome night huh? And I’m going for free. It should be a good time. Got get there in plenty of time so I can get a buzz on before the comedians start.
Last night was fun. Did you know that Thursday is the new Friday! Ok every other Thursday (when cam is at his dads). We started at one restaurant for happy hour then proceeded to our brewery. I was feeling buzzed. I started having deep thoughts. I’m just so scared that I’m not going to be able to get back on top. I think about where I was two years ago and how far I’ve fallen. I know I had to go through something, in order to get past the whole ending of my little family. I guess I reacted in the most negative way possible. Yea, I could have handled it better/differently, but then again we are talking about me here. And what influences have I had growing up? I’m not giving up though. Even though I’m feeling discouraged, there still is the part of me that feels it will turn around. I’m just so financially in a hole, that I don’t ever see myself coming out of it. And I’m sick of having Pat help me. I don’t like being dependent. I’ve been actively searching and applying for a PT position as well as a better paying FT position. In the meantime I just have to deal with the situation at hand. One day at a time.
Easter dinner is this Sunday; yes I know it’s a week early. But this works better for my family. I am truly looking forward to the get together. I enjoy my family functions. Its crazy looking around at how much us “kids” are all grown up!
Oh, oh and I must visit my bros house this weekend. I had called my sis in-law to tape October Road for me last night. I love this new show!!! It perfect for someone my age, someone growing old…lol.
Not feeling to chatty, so have a great weekend,
Friday, March 30, 2007
Thursday, March 29, 2007
And this is March 26th!
March 26,
This weekend was great. I don’t think I would have changed a thing. I love when the seasons change and it starts to become warmer out. Sunday was absolutely beautiful out! But first let’s recap the beginning of the weekend.
I left work Friday and a very depressed mood. My insecurities are weighing me down. Everyone here has been pretty nice, but I feel the longer I’m here the more their facades are fading, and the cattiness comes out. I know this is the natural process being a woman and starting a new job. Plain and simple: Women are bitches, and I include myself in that group. I’m not a very confident person as is. I feel over weight, my clothes are old and not as professional as everyone else here. I want to be liked, so in turn probably try to hard. And all of that gives everyone something to talk about. Hey maybe I’m completely wrong, but I seriously doubt. I know the world doesn’t revolve around me; I’m just saying how I’m feeling. I felt so crummy when I left Friday that I broke down in my car, I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. I just sat there and cried. But I knew I would return on Monday, stronger and ready to show them that I don’t care. I don’t care if they don’t include me, I don’t care if I feel like they are laughing at me. I’m going to come in and do my work. And that is what I did. I didn’t make eye contact with the people, who make me feel uncomfortable, nor did I initiate small talk, obviously they don’t want to hear it. My day has been going swimmingly well. Maybe I’m too good for YOU all!
I went to the city Friday night. It was an old friends 30th birthday. The party was held at a restaurant, free food and drinks. I didn’t go with anyone; usually I have no problem with this, but that night I just couldn’t get into the grove of being the odd man out. So when this so called friend of mine announced in front of a few people I don’t know that my nickname is WHITE LINES, for realz!! And I haven’t hung with this girl in sometime. I was all like P….she goes well that what so and so said. So to say the least I was a little embarrassed and uncomfortable. I discreetly got my things and left within 15 mins. I already had a few drinks in me otherwise it may not have affected me as much. So I made it back to the ville by 10:30 and that is when the fun began. Pat and I and another friend headed to this bar near my house. It’s like my new favorite bar. There is always a good crowd, live music, and a pool table oh and of course young boy…lol. They sell these shirts there that say Rail Me…. I had Pat buy one cause it is just too cute. After the bar we went to my friends house played a round of triple yahtzee and headed home at like 3am. Bed time didn’t occur until like 5.
On Saturday I didn’t wake until 1:30 in the afternoon. Ahh childless weekends are SO good. The only thing I had to do on Saturday was watch the entire backlog on my DVR. I did this only for a few hours and headed to the Millers, we had a nice dinner and rented a movie. A seriously sick movie- Saw III. I couldn’t even watch or listen. So I fell asleep, I can’t watch that stuff anymore. Pat worked Sun. so it was just me and the Millers for breakfast. After breakfast I head to the grocery store, and then home to clean. I was done cleaning and showered by 12:30. Then it was on to the back to the DVR.
Pat and the Millers came over for dinner. I made a scrumptious roast in the crock. My gravy turned up yummy, as well as my mashed potatoes. Everyone seemed happy with their meal. Cam and I got to spend some downtime alone together, since everyone left shortly after dinner. Angi knew I wanted to spend time with Cam. I was sound asleep by 10:00. It felt good.
Cam seemed sad when I picked him up at his Dad’s. I know part of it was due to leaving his Dad, but I also feel it was because I wasn’t alone when I picked him up. I instantly felt guilty. It’s the first time Cam expressed sadness leaving his Dad’s. And I know it’s only the beginning. I keep telling my self to be prepared eventually he’s going to want to live with his Father; eventually I will be an enemy in his eyes. I’m trying my best to prepare, if not avoid all together! Ok I’ve rambled enough, more tomorrow
This weekend was great. I don’t think I would have changed a thing. I love when the seasons change and it starts to become warmer out. Sunday was absolutely beautiful out! But first let’s recap the beginning of the weekend.
I left work Friday and a very depressed mood. My insecurities are weighing me down. Everyone here has been pretty nice, but I feel the longer I’m here the more their facades are fading, and the cattiness comes out. I know this is the natural process being a woman and starting a new job. Plain and simple: Women are bitches, and I include myself in that group. I’m not a very confident person as is. I feel over weight, my clothes are old and not as professional as everyone else here. I want to be liked, so in turn probably try to hard. And all of that gives everyone something to talk about. Hey maybe I’m completely wrong, but I seriously doubt. I know the world doesn’t revolve around me; I’m just saying how I’m feeling. I felt so crummy when I left Friday that I broke down in my car, I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. I just sat there and cried. But I knew I would return on Monday, stronger and ready to show them that I don’t care. I don’t care if they don’t include me, I don’t care if I feel like they are laughing at me. I’m going to come in and do my work. And that is what I did. I didn’t make eye contact with the people, who make me feel uncomfortable, nor did I initiate small talk, obviously they don’t want to hear it. My day has been going swimmingly well. Maybe I’m too good for YOU all!
I went to the city Friday night. It was an old friends 30th birthday. The party was held at a restaurant, free food and drinks. I didn’t go with anyone; usually I have no problem with this, but that night I just couldn’t get into the grove of being the odd man out. So when this so called friend of mine announced in front of a few people I don’t know that my nickname is WHITE LINES, for realz!! And I haven’t hung with this girl in sometime. I was all like P….she goes well that what so and so said. So to say the least I was a little embarrassed and uncomfortable. I discreetly got my things and left within 15 mins. I already had a few drinks in me otherwise it may not have affected me as much. So I made it back to the ville by 10:30 and that is when the fun began. Pat and I and another friend headed to this bar near my house. It’s like my new favorite bar. There is always a good crowd, live music, and a pool table oh and of course young boy…lol. They sell these shirts there that say Rail Me…. I had Pat buy one cause it is just too cute. After the bar we went to my friends house played a round of triple yahtzee and headed home at like 3am. Bed time didn’t occur until like 5.
On Saturday I didn’t wake until 1:30 in the afternoon. Ahh childless weekends are SO good. The only thing I had to do on Saturday was watch the entire backlog on my DVR. I did this only for a few hours and headed to the Millers, we had a nice dinner and rented a movie. A seriously sick movie- Saw III. I couldn’t even watch or listen. So I fell asleep, I can’t watch that stuff anymore. Pat worked Sun. so it was just me and the Millers for breakfast. After breakfast I head to the grocery store, and then home to clean. I was done cleaning and showered by 12:30. Then it was on to the back to the DVR.
Pat and the Millers came over for dinner. I made a scrumptious roast in the crock. My gravy turned up yummy, as well as my mashed potatoes. Everyone seemed happy with their meal. Cam and I got to spend some downtime alone together, since everyone left shortly after dinner. Angi knew I wanted to spend time with Cam. I was sound asleep by 10:00. It felt good.
Cam seemed sad when I picked him up at his Dad’s. I know part of it was due to leaving his Dad, but I also feel it was because I wasn’t alone when I picked him up. I instantly felt guilty. It’s the first time Cam expressed sadness leaving his Dad’s. And I know it’s only the beginning. I keep telling my self to be prepared eventually he’s going to want to live with his Father; eventually I will be an enemy in his eyes. I’m trying my best to prepare, if not avoid all together! Ok I’ve rambled enough, more tomorrow
This was from like a week ago or more!
Still working yea me!! It’s been good so far. I like it, I’m pretty comfortable. I still feel like the new girl, a little. I miss having a work buddy. I’m a little lonely here. I was thinking of how annoying I must be sitting here mumbling at my desk all day long. Its just I have nothing or no one to converse to. Yes I’m suppose to be working, be everyone is talking shop damn it, I just want to be included. It’s still better than my last two jobs in regards to cattiness, and workload. (So far) I do have an interview tomorrow after work. This is for a billing position that I found in the local paper on my own time. I’m hoping this goes well, because and extra 3$ an hour would make a huge difference. And I need some health benefits NOW.
Ya know when I’m home I’m always thinking of things I want to right about, but never jot it down!
This past weekend was good. Friday was a lot of fun. It was one of those nights that you know doesn’t happen to often, and it will probably be awhile before it happens again. We had an ice storm on Friday so we got out of work a few hours early. The guys were suppose to play a show at Rex’s . Well the show was cancelled (with good reason) but everyone still got together at A&A’s house. We then proceeded downtown to the local bar, which was surprisingly busy. We were there till about 1:30. and EVERYONE was drunk, even Angi. Pants were being dropped for no reason, except drunken stupidity. I ran into a boy from high school, and he was sweatin; even though I was frumpy and all. Ok sure maybe alcohol had something to do with it. But shit it still made feel good. J
The Pat (FB) was acting a little weird that night. Sometimes a little obnoxious, sometimes a little jealous. The jealous part is new, because normally he gets a kick of guys checking me out or hitting on me. But that night was different. I said it was because before he was always confident that I was going home with him. Now he has to worry about me actually following through. Granted I would never be out with him and our friends and blatantly hook up with someone. Unlike what he did to me with this girl S. tit for tat.
Friday didn’t end till 4am, then Pat and I were pissy with each other. Ok he was pissed I wasn’t giving “it” up. This is what I like about keeping the “single” status with us. I don’t have to give it up if I don’t want to; and I don’t have to feel bad about it. Ahhh life is good! - Anyway I couldn’t get to sleep, and knowing I had to get up early to pick up Cam from G-moms, didn’t help. At 9:00 I got up and had to walk down to the mechanics to get my car because I had left it there due to the weather. Did I mention we had an ice storm, and it was freezing? Once I walk to 4 blocks to my car, I get there and my car is stuck, and I mean STUCK!!!. I didn’t know what to do. So what is a girl to do except call on PAT! I kept calling the Millers house; everyone is passed out drunk sleeping and I’m crying into the answering machine for someone to please help. After about 45mins, here comes Patrick trudging down the alley with the shovel over his shoulder. He came to my rescue…*sigh*
Saturday night my niece played Belle in her middle school play of Beauty and the Beast. Cam and I both went, and loved it. She was SO good, and so pretty. I can’t believe I changed her diapers. My god I am getting old. Cam I went home after the play. Sunday we had a nice breakfast together. Mommy made pancakes and bacon; we lazed around the house most of the day. Late afternoon we went roller skating. Yes ROLLER SKATING. It was awesome; I want to go again!! I did fall one time and hit hurt like hell. My legs and ass hurt for two days. But I felt like a kid again, and I love doing these with Cam. I try and do something with him every weekend. I want him to remember everything, I don’t him to just remember the times I sat at my friend’s house playing games and getting drunk while he and the other kids played in the other room. Which happens time to time, and which also happens to be what I remember most about my childhood, that and my mom always sleeping on the couch or needing a nap. (Just like me)
Speaking of my Mom, we aren’t talking. We haven’t spoken since what x-mas or something. I’m not losing sleep over it. I am so sick of fighting with her. I don’t ever see a resolution to it. It will go on and on forever.
Yesterday was my little brother’s birthday. He is 22 now; gosh did I mention I’m getting old??? I’m still no closer to having a relationship than I was a year ago. And this still pains me. It’s weird because I can see how my Mom’s uneasiness when she is around my older brother because she doesn’t know what to say or do, because she is feels she is constantly being judged. Her nervous twitches are so apparent to me, her body language, and the laugh. I am the same exact way when I’m around my younger brother. Just another reassurance of how much I’m like her. Oh and I’ve gotten my hair cut, and every time I look in the damn mirror I see my her!! It’s quite frightening.
I’m going to try and upload my picture software on the puter at work, so I can start posting pics again. I guess that is enough rambling for one day.
Tata
Ya know when I’m home I’m always thinking of things I want to right about, but never jot it down!
This past weekend was good. Friday was a lot of fun. It was one of those nights that you know doesn’t happen to often, and it will probably be awhile before it happens again. We had an ice storm on Friday so we got out of work a few hours early. The guys were suppose to play a show at Rex’s . Well the show was cancelled (with good reason) but everyone still got together at A&A’s house. We then proceeded downtown to the local bar, which was surprisingly busy. We were there till about 1:30. and EVERYONE was drunk, even Angi. Pants were being dropped for no reason, except drunken stupidity. I ran into a boy from high school, and he was sweatin; even though I was frumpy and all. Ok sure maybe alcohol had something to do with it. But shit it still made feel good. J
The Pat (FB) was acting a little weird that night. Sometimes a little obnoxious, sometimes a little jealous. The jealous part is new, because normally he gets a kick of guys checking me out or hitting on me. But that night was different. I said it was because before he was always confident that I was going home with him. Now he has to worry about me actually following through. Granted I would never be out with him and our friends and blatantly hook up with someone. Unlike what he did to me with this girl S. tit for tat.
Friday didn’t end till 4am, then Pat and I were pissy with each other. Ok he was pissed I wasn’t giving “it” up. This is what I like about keeping the “single” status with us. I don’t have to give it up if I don’t want to; and I don’t have to feel bad about it. Ahhh life is good! - Anyway I couldn’t get to sleep, and knowing I had to get up early to pick up Cam from G-moms, didn’t help. At 9:00 I got up and had to walk down to the mechanics to get my car because I had left it there due to the weather. Did I mention we had an ice storm, and it was freezing? Once I walk to 4 blocks to my car, I get there and my car is stuck, and I mean STUCK!!!. I didn’t know what to do. So what is a girl to do except call on PAT! I kept calling the Millers house; everyone is passed out drunk sleeping and I’m crying into the answering machine for someone to please help. After about 45mins, here comes Patrick trudging down the alley with the shovel over his shoulder. He came to my rescue…*sigh*
Saturday night my niece played Belle in her middle school play of Beauty and the Beast. Cam and I both went, and loved it. She was SO good, and so pretty. I can’t believe I changed her diapers. My god I am getting old. Cam I went home after the play. Sunday we had a nice breakfast together. Mommy made pancakes and bacon; we lazed around the house most of the day. Late afternoon we went roller skating. Yes ROLLER SKATING. It was awesome; I want to go again!! I did fall one time and hit hurt like hell. My legs and ass hurt for two days. But I felt like a kid again, and I love doing these with Cam. I try and do something with him every weekend. I want him to remember everything, I don’t him to just remember the times I sat at my friend’s house playing games and getting drunk while he and the other kids played in the other room. Which happens time to time, and which also happens to be what I remember most about my childhood, that and my mom always sleeping on the couch or needing a nap. (Just like me)
Speaking of my Mom, we aren’t talking. We haven’t spoken since what x-mas or something. I’m not losing sleep over it. I am so sick of fighting with her. I don’t ever see a resolution to it. It will go on and on forever.
Yesterday was my little brother’s birthday. He is 22 now; gosh did I mention I’m getting old??? I’m still no closer to having a relationship than I was a year ago. And this still pains me. It’s weird because I can see how my Mom’s uneasiness when she is around my older brother because she doesn’t know what to say or do, because she is feels she is constantly being judged. Her nervous twitches are so apparent to me, her body language, and the laugh. I am the same exact way when I’m around my younger brother. Just another reassurance of how much I’m like her. Oh and I’ve gotten my hair cut, and every time I look in the damn mirror I see my her!! It’s quite frightening.
I’m going to try and upload my picture software on the puter at work, so I can start posting pics again. I guess that is enough rambling for one day.
Tata
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Well hello there!
I got a job!! yay!!!!!!
Hmm so I guess this is me starting over. You know its been about 2 yrs since my slow decline has started, I'm feeling great. Im in my first week of work, and so far so good. I keep thinking how miserable I was at that other position from day one. What a mistake that was. So far here the days have been going pretty quickly. I'm working as a admin. assist. it's not billing, but I like it. I like helping the whole office out, and being the go to girl. And you never know what may come out if it. The company is staffing company, so I plan on utilizing there services in the future. I like my current position, but it a 4$ pay cut that is the only draw back so far. Yea I know I shouldn't be here on blogger, but the whole office is empty today. Everyone is at a meeting and won't return till tomorrow. I asked my supervisor to leave me some work and to spread the word, well I came into an empty desk. go figure. I helped out the other admin lady putting on some labels, but other than that I don't have anything to do. I have my book though, Im gonna finish it. So thats the update on the work front.
Life at home is going well. I've been spending a whole lot of more time there. My relationship with Cam is the most important one in my life right now. We've been hanging out, and doing more things together. I've being a better Mother and I feel so good about that. I try not to think of my past mistakes, instead I'm just trying to be better! I registered him for kindergarten last month, crazy to think he is going to a real school soon. So many new things to look forward to with him. He is amazing son. I realize it more and more everyday. I feel guilty I depend on him for so much. He knows when Im sad, and he asks me about it. We have serious talks, he is very inquisitive. I try my best to instill that he can always talk to us about anything, and that he never has to be scared. He cracks me up when he confesses to something he did, but the confession comes hours later like when Im putting him to bed. Sometimes I feel like Im doing an amazing job with him. Because he says and does things and Im like I taught him that. I know, I know I can't take all the credit, but hey I'm not there when he is at his Fathers so I can only take credit for what I know. And I know he is awesome.
The Ex and I are getting along well; as well as the future step-mom. Granted I haven't really needed to speak to her, and I see her even less often. But I acknowledge her when speaking with Cam. I say that the 3 of us are a team. We all love him, and we all work together to keep him him safe and happy, and to help him grow into a young man eventually. I still feel so trashy compared to the two of them. They are very yuppie. looking at matt now, I wonder what I was thinking. He is so out of my league, and way to good for me. I don;t really cry over the loss of him anymore. I still dwell on the loss of what I use to have. But then again, deep down I knew it wasnt meant to be. Hell is getting married next May, and they just bought a house. That stings! But good for them. See how far I've come!! I really am happy about how far I''ve come with my feelings towards Matt. Just typing that makes me cry, I don't why. I'm just grateful to have him in my life even if its just as my son's father. Cam wouldn't be Cam without Matt!
My financial situation is not good. I had to borrow 1500.00 from someone to catch up on rent. I don't have car insurance or health insurance for that fact. And my rent has gone up approx 50$. Oh and PHEAA has been knocking on my door for a student loan payment. christ! I'm going to look for a PT job soon, so I can devote all my paycheck to bills, and loans. My PT paycheck can be pocket money. Sounds easy enough, but it won't be. I have a habit of making things harder.
I gotta go get lunch!
tata
Hmm so I guess this is me starting over. You know its been about 2 yrs since my slow decline has started, I'm feeling great. Im in my first week of work, and so far so good. I keep thinking how miserable I was at that other position from day one. What a mistake that was. So far here the days have been going pretty quickly. I'm working as a admin. assist. it's not billing, but I like it. I like helping the whole office out, and being the go to girl. And you never know what may come out if it. The company is staffing company, so I plan on utilizing there services in the future. I like my current position, but it a 4$ pay cut that is the only draw back so far. Yea I know I shouldn't be here on blogger, but the whole office is empty today. Everyone is at a meeting and won't return till tomorrow. I asked my supervisor to leave me some work and to spread the word, well I came into an empty desk. go figure. I helped out the other admin lady putting on some labels, but other than that I don't have anything to do. I have my book though, Im gonna finish it. So thats the update on the work front.
Life at home is going well. I've been spending a whole lot of more time there. My relationship with Cam is the most important one in my life right now. We've been hanging out, and doing more things together. I've being a better Mother and I feel so good about that. I try not to think of my past mistakes, instead I'm just trying to be better! I registered him for kindergarten last month, crazy to think he is going to a real school soon. So many new things to look forward to with him. He is amazing son. I realize it more and more everyday. I feel guilty I depend on him for so much. He knows when Im sad, and he asks me about it. We have serious talks, he is very inquisitive. I try my best to instill that he can always talk to us about anything, and that he never has to be scared. He cracks me up when he confesses to something he did, but the confession comes hours later like when Im putting him to bed. Sometimes I feel like Im doing an amazing job with him. Because he says and does things and Im like I taught him that. I know, I know I can't take all the credit, but hey I'm not there when he is at his Fathers so I can only take credit for what I know. And I know he is awesome.
The Ex and I are getting along well; as well as the future step-mom. Granted I haven't really needed to speak to her, and I see her even less often. But I acknowledge her when speaking with Cam. I say that the 3 of us are a team. We all love him, and we all work together to keep him him safe and happy, and to help him grow into a young man eventually. I still feel so trashy compared to the two of them. They are very yuppie. looking at matt now, I wonder what I was thinking. He is so out of my league, and way to good for me. I don;t really cry over the loss of him anymore. I still dwell on the loss of what I use to have. But then again, deep down I knew it wasnt meant to be. Hell is getting married next May, and they just bought a house. That stings! But good for them. See how far I've come!! I really am happy about how far I''ve come with my feelings towards Matt. Just typing that makes me cry, I don't why. I'm just grateful to have him in my life even if its just as my son's father. Cam wouldn't be Cam without Matt!
My financial situation is not good. I had to borrow 1500.00 from someone to catch up on rent. I don't have car insurance or health insurance for that fact. And my rent has gone up approx 50$. Oh and PHEAA has been knocking on my door for a student loan payment. christ! I'm going to look for a PT job soon, so I can devote all my paycheck to bills, and loans. My PT paycheck can be pocket money. Sounds easy enough, but it won't be. I have a habit of making things harder.
I gotta go get lunch!
tata
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