Head Automatica Rocks!

Went to North Star bar last night to see Head Automatica... and I was very pleased.. well besides the unbearble heat inside there. christ sweat was dripping from me. I was so excited to go see this show. It is the first show I've been to without The Ex. And it was a band I discovered on my own. And that is saying a lot. The Ex influenced all my musical tastes.
My girl Arianne went with me, even though she never heard of them. To me thats a good friend! The place was packed. And Darryl looked much cuter than I anticipated! OH and the drummer too, yummy yummy.... I took a few pics..... you'll see how shiney my face is... it was just so damn hot. I totally picked the wrong occasion to not wear underwear... my jeans were totally sticking to me.
Arianne came back to the burbs with me. we got pretty messed up last night, and lets just say I. AM. TIRED!!! The FB didnt go to work, left him sound asleep in my bed this morning. We had some amazing sex!! It just always so hot. I love getting it from behind, cause I feel like a dirty slut, as he's pulling my hair and giving it to me just the way I like. ahhh
sorry, little to x-rated there!
anyway heres some pics from the show.

Monday Blues

Well it's 1:30pm, I've made it this far, I'm sure I can make it till 5pm. Getting up this morning was so damn tough! TLM didn't want to get up either. But all in all he was in a good mood, and cooperated. This always makes the mornings a little easier for me.

The weekend was good. It didn't go exactly as planned, but geeze there was a lot planned. Friday night went as expected. I thoroughly enjoyed my time home alone, with TLM. I got my apt. cleaned up. Oh what a feeling, to be able to see my love seat in the bedroom. It is impossible for this piece of furniture to not collect clean, dirty, or in between clothes on it. I telling you, impossible! I put TLM to bed, lit some candles in my room, and watched the movie Closer. I enjoyed this movie immensely. I can't figure out why I always hear mixed reviews on it. I felt the same way about the movie, The Village. To each his own, I know. Back to Closer. Natalie Portman is just so damn beautiful. I can't think of a movie role that I've ever seen her in that I didn't like. Garden State? I own it, best movie ever. OH and Jude Law, put aside him leaving Sadie for Sienna.. he is fucking hot. What I wouldn't do!
Saturday, TLM and I want swimming as planned. It was hot as expected! The pool was great! Got along with my Mom well. And her boyfriend's body is hot.. ugh, how is my 51 yr old mother dating a 29 yrs hot boy.. I don't get it. haha, only my mom. We only stayed at the pool for 2 hrs I was so paranoid about TLM getting sunburned even though I kept applying sun screen every 15 mins. We skipped the party a chucky cheese.
We also didn't do dinner at the cool restaurant. Saturday evening was not the best. I got into a quasi fight with the FB. He angers me so much, and he's almost impossible to talk to sometimes. He is not apologetic for anything he does. In his mind he does no wrong because he is just being him. He accuses me of trying to label us. But when pushed he can't tell me exactly what line Im crossing that makes him say this. I told him, all his actions well 95% of his actions say one thing, but when the going gets tough, he is quick to point out that we are just friends... this cracks me up. My opinion is, he is in denial. He's afraid that as soon as he labels it something other than friends it's all going to crash and burn. I don't even like him that much, especially when he acts the way he did this weekend. Granted I like having him around cause we do have fun, and the sex is fucking great. ugh, great! Im thinking of just keeping him for the summer. If I can tolerate him that long. He fucks with my head something serious. And the drugs, the drugs are bad. I was a good girl this weekend. Really! FB though, well he was up all night friday, slept it off at my house saturday while we were out. Then we all attended a BBQ, which TLM and I left at 10:00, and the FB stayed behind. Well the party started after I left, he called at 8:30am (sun) asking to come in. Why I let him I dont know. But he spent Sunday sleeping it off, while I was out with TLM and A&A. I was glad he wasnt with us.
A&A, TLM, and I attended the local Canal lock celebration. Andy brought his canoe and we canoed down the canal to the outdoor festival. TLM loved it, he was so good. I called The Ex, while we are cruising and let TLM tell him what we were doing. I always feel the need to notify the Ex of these types of things. I hate feeling like he's missing out. But at the same time I want him to know that he is missing out on a lot. Is that really wrong?
Anyway, we went to A&A for dinner and Quaits after I made TLM take a nap he was just so exhausted, as was I.

All in all it was good weekend! There are some things that are just more important! Like that beautiful brown eyed boy of mine!

hip hip hooray!

Yeah it's Friday I know. But I just noticed while logging in that Blogger has made it easier to post pictures. Im sure it was easy before, I just couldn't figure it out. So watch out cause now my weekend updates will most likely include pictures...

This weekend is jammed packed! Im just hoping it is all a good time!
Im going to lay low this evening and spend one on one time with my little man. And watch a movie alone, once he goes to bed. I am so looking forward to this evening. Tomorrow, TLM, Grandmom, and I are going to my Moms boy toys house to go swimming. And it is suppose to be so hot!!
TLM and I are going to Chuckie Cheese for a birthday party at 4, then Im dropping him off with my niece so The FB, A &A, and I are going to this really cool restaurant for dinner. Im meeting up with an old friend and his wife there. I am SUPER excited about this. Afterwards we are suppose to attend a outdoor party. Im not sure Im going to make it, but I'll try. Sunday we are going to downtown, for an outdoor type of festival. Should be fun! Im exhausted just thinking about the whole weekend. I just can't wait to pick up my little man. 35 mins!!

This is "the crew" - from the party 2 weeks ago when the FB fucked the whole night up!!

And here is my rock star in training!

Have a great weekend!

Please make these thoughts go away.

I know this is probably sounding very repetitious.. But I don't care. So here I go. No matter how busy I am I can't help but always wish that HE was with me doing all these things. I just want these feelings to go away! We've both moved on, christ he is living with her. I guess that once I find someone who I really like (unlike the FB) these feelings will change. I miss him terribly. I miss his love, his goofiness, his man hands, and how we "fit".
You know as I started typing this, he called. We talk everyday. Not about anything to serious. But we still talk everyday. I know we have a kid together. But should we really need to talk everyday? Any other single parents out there talk to there Ex every day? How normal/abnormal is this?

Seems to be a horny week all around.....

That is what I'm gathering from all my daily blog reads, as well as what's been going on in my personal life. The www.thechuckster.com/, and www.essfingers.com/ both had interesting masturbation entries this week. I couldn't resist not commenting on Chuck's. Ya see I consider my self a very sexual person, but if it wasn't for masturbation I would never know what it was like to have an orgasm. This sucks, believe me I know. I hold out hope that one day I will meet someone one who fits me emotionally and physically than maybe just maybe it will happen! But shit is it really a mental thing? Or could it just be impossible for me to orgasm through intercourse.
When I was 19, I went to college (briefly), within a month I got my clit hood pierced, hoping to increase my chances. Granted I realize that my clit hood is a little to high in the region, but it does comes in handy with the tongue and manual stimulation! And shit you tell a guy you have your clit pierced, and you will most definitely not go home alone. But I'll tell ya I am so envious of you ladies and gents...that can cum easily. What I wouldn't do to be a guy for one day. I mean really!! It seems like it would be so awkward to have this ball sack and dick getting in the way every time you sit or move... I want to know what it feels like to be you when your being sucked. See FB is so sensitive, and vocal it just gets me thinking, how awesome it must be for a guy. HoHum... just venting a little bit.
Had sex last night, and I wasnt pleased with my performance. Maybe thats my problem I think about it too much.grrrr

I just want to go home to bed but the FB wants me to pick him up on my way home. Why can't I just say no? We've been together every night since Friday except for Monday. Last night we were up practically the whole night. hence the reason Im so tired. I laid in bed thinking alot last night. I've always said my biggest fear is turning into my mother. And although everyone tells me Im better than her, and that it doesnt have to be that way, I can see our lives running almost parallel. When it comes to responsibilities we are the same way. We do what pleases us at the moment and whine about the consequences later. Both our work ethics are poor. We'll do anything to get out of it. And when she was my age she was partying just the same. And I hated her for it. I vowel to not let my son be phased by what I do in my free time. The little man is what keeps me going. I never want him to dislike me, like I dislike my mother. horrible, I know. So anyway I was thinking last night my parents split up when I was like 2 going on 3... my dad remarried IMMEDIATELY, my mom moved us in with this guy Kelley. They had a tumultuous relationship. Lots of partying going on. I remember seeing the powder and cut straws on the table. Bowls etc... you get it Fast forward to me now. The Ex and I spit up when TLM is 3yrs old. The Ex is currently living with his new girlfriend of 4 months. (talk about fast) And here I am in a quasi relationship with someone that I know will lead nowhere. And I know he is no good for me. But the fun! Im addicted to the fun. Im addicted to dysfunction. I tell myself Im not ready to have a relationship like I had with The Ex. I dont want to be that hurt again. I dont want to invest all THAT energy, to have my heart ripped back out and stomped on. But what if, continuing the path Im currently traveling only leads me further away from happiness, and makes me more like my mother? Christ! I know the answers to my questions. I just don't want to listen, to my inner conscious. I keep telling myself that it will all work out.
I must sound so completely screwed up. I've always felt that way when I would go back and read old handwritten journal entries. For everything I write, I can analyze and flip it over and see it another way.
Ok Ive rambled too much.

The Ex Update

Wahoo what a conversation I had with my beloved Ex the other night. At first it didn't affect me, because I was all wrapped up in my FB problems. But now the more I think about it, the more I freakin miss him ugh! Monday night on the way home from my Pop's house The Ex's dad called to ask if I could house sit for them when the ALL went away in July. This makes me happy that they would ask this of me. I've always been close to them, and hope to always will be. (does that sentence read wierd or is it me?) So after I hung up with his Dad I gave The Ex a call. We commenced to talk for an hour on the phone. I was whining over the FB and he was telling me about
*******deleted************I proceeded to tell him the goings ons in my life. I told him it hurts me when he acts like he is so much better than me. Just because my "having fun" is different from his. i have my shit together, most people didnt expect me to do this well after we broke up. I am very pleased with myself.
I'll do better once I get out of this dysfunctional "relationship" Im in.. but this is only temporary. The FB seems to be slightly distant since the fiasco that was last weekend.
Andy, Angi, the FB, and I are going to the beach this weekend. We're hitting the road at 7pm. I cant wait. Im expecting to have a good time. Andy's son is going, some people are bothered by this. But im not. Hes like 12, its not like he's 3, like my little man. I can not wait to go dancing tonight!!!
10 mins till im outta this place!!

tata

to little time

I have so much to update on and so little time to do it.

My weekend started out great, but ended truly shitty. We went to this kick ass out door party on 5 acres in the boonies outside of Reading PA.... if I could figure out how to post pictures I so would!! The band played at the party, we knew no one there, but everyone was great. There was a stocked pond, and people were actually swimming in it... Lots of cute boys, but I behaved myself. Because I was with the FB. Things went downhill went we left.(2am) FB and his friend deserted us halfway home and returned to the party. Leaving me to take our friends home, and then to go home by myself, jacked up... I was pissed, I mean LIVID.... he came strolling in my house at 7:30 in the morning. I kicked him out. He thought that by bring me "shit" home, all would be good. cripes. I like my partying but Im not that bad. The whole thing is such a long story.. and would bore anyone who is reading this.
The point of it all is, I had a reality check. I am growing to fond of the FB. I tell him as well as myself that I don't want him as a boyfriend. And he agrees, he doesnt want committment. BUT, and I mean BUT.... 99% of his actions tell a different story. He's at my house 4 out of 7 days if not more. He provides the money for all partying we do. he gives me money, for food, nails, tanning, gas...etc... and he tells me all the things a girl likes to hear. 99% of the time he makes me feel fucking awesome. But there are those few occasions like this past weekend where he completely throws me through a loop. And has to say shit like, well we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, then follows it up with I love her to death.... what the?... he just so fucked up... I really need to stay away from him. But at this point I can't. I'm addicted to too many aspects of our "relationship". We made up yesterday, and he came over and spent the night.. Im such a sucker.... but damn we are going to have fun at the shore this weekend.
Oh I have to update about the Ex tomorrow. Now I must run and pick up TLM, I miss him!

hip hip horray, 10 more minutes!

yes people it is that time of week again, Friday quitting time. What a fabulous day! I know m alway ranting about how great Fridays are, but I just can't help myself.

It is so damn hot here. I have 2 air conditioners this year, and yesterday was the first day I used them. And I can't believe how shitty they are. Im wondering how I survived last summer with one shitty A/C. I still needed to use my fan last night thats how hot it is. And it doesnt help when the FB feels the need to drape himself on my while he's sleeping. arg! I need my space. If he's not on me, then he lies directly in the middle of the bed. Truly aggravating yo!

Low key weekend in affect. having a yardsale tomorrow. I pray that I make some $$$. I need some money. Going to the big city tomorrow evening with TLM. My girl Arianne is going to cut these horribly long bangs of mine. Im thinking of coloring it too!! whoop whoop!! im excited.
tata
have a fabulous weekend!

fuzzy memories of last night

phew... so when I woke up this morning the last hour of the evening before is kind of blank. ha! So last night was fun.

After work I had to meet The Ex at the T-Mobile. ugh, that sucked cause he looked fucking good. I mean HOT! I handled myself well though. I didn't make any smart comments, or let on the I aching inside.I know I have to stop, I must stop. This is so repetitious, I know. I'm just so jealous of him. He seems so happy. He's in shape, in love, pursuing his passion (music), and he's over me. Way over me... Im so pathetic, its been a year since Ive moved out, and about 5months since we stopped sleeping together. I should be past this point. It took so much will power to not call him crying last night when I was drunk. Im so happy that I didnt. But at the time I was laying in bed thinking that if I called I could get him to tell me all the things I need to hear. Mean things. Yes it would hurt to hear them , but it would be the truth. I need to hear that, I just can't accept things the way they are. I need him to hurt me with his words.. I need reminding once in awhile. But he won't do it. No matter how much I piss him off he won't say hurtful things to me. Christ he can't even tell me he loves her, he can tell me that he says "that" to her. But he cant point blank say, KaKe, I lover her. This angers me!!!

On to happier times.... I met up with A & A at the brewery as planned. But FB was with them too.. this was not planned. what the? Now FB is hanging with me at my hang out... damn talk about cock blocking. lol... he did look cute though. And I didnt have to spend a dime. We only stayed till 8. Drank 3 beers, we bought to growlers to go, and proceeded back to the house to play quaits. Well we took a few hits off a small as joint, and that wrecked me. I was never one who could combine smoking and alcohol.. I could not even hold my arm up to finish the game.lol.. Me and Ang were laughing our asses off. I was picking on the FB something serious. We left at around 9:00ish. FB drove. I was in no condition. After we got home, things are pretty fuzzy. I know I spilt a whole glass of ice t on my bed. duh!! that sucked. what a drunk girl I was. I had to then change the sheets. the sex is pretty fuzzy I remember it was quick, I did the work, but cant remember how it all started..lol I remember laying there turning into angry drunk, and the FB telling me to just go to sleep, that I was just drunk. Which was the right thing to say and do!

When the alarm went off at 3am, for the FB, I was so out of sorts. I couldnt figure out how to turn it off or down for that fact. NOTE: Ive had the same alarm clock since like 1996..LOL... so here I am burying it under my pillow as Im trying to find the snooze button...LOL
The good news is I felt great when I got up for work today!

and the fun never stops...

ok, well during the week it slows down. I realize it's weds, I should of posted about my weekend on Monday, but work has just been crazy! I'm sneaking on now, while I eat some potato, and Macaroni salad... hmmm yummy!

Last friday night was awesome. A great time. I think it will be awhile before another night beats it, in terms of fun. Me and Angi started off at the local brewery for some drinks while the guys practiced. After they were done practice me and the FB went to the pub downtown, because I wanted to!! He kicked my ass in air hockey, granted I was pretty messed up at the time. I mean full of energy, looking good and feeling good. We didn't stay there long, probably about 30 mins. Just enough time for us to go in, go our separate ways, check the place out for hotties, then leave. We proceeded to the local dive, strip bar. Now note this is a 1st for me. It was a blast, the girls were pretty nasty. This made me feel extra hot! I was making all kinds of friends while we were there. And a bunch of people we knew showed up to. Shots were being taken, I was being hit on by guys and girls, FB was talking me up so much.... it was great! We closed the bar down, and went for about an hour. At 3:30 we got a call, and went out again, to a friends house. We didn't get home till 8:30am... I was in bed till 4:00pm on Satrday. Poor FB had to get up and do a show with the band at 12:00pm...lol... ahhh relaxing all by myself recuperating is the best feeling in the world. I did feel bad, Angi had to attend the show with out me!!

We didn't do anything Saturday night. I was happy to chill at home. Beside we had breakfast plans Sunday morning, and also planned on spending the day at Andy and Angi's Sunday. Which is exactly what we did!! Breakfast, quaits, grilling, drinking some beers, smoking some bud... getting a tan. truly awesome weekend!! FB spent the night Fri, Sat, and Sun!! Then he called Mon. wanting to come over, um no thank you!!!! I want my bed to myself, and I need a break.... some alone time please!
So Six Feet Under started its final season on Monday. Im so sad this is the last year for it. This is my favorite show ever. Monday's show was great. I was a little sad watching it. This is the first time Im watching it alone (with out the Ex), pathetic I know. Christ!

I'm taking TLM to the T-mobile store today to meet The Ex, we are going to get my nextel shut off, Im seriously bumming about this. I love my nextel it is just to expensive, and the Ex won't pay anymore. blah!!! so I am now T-mobile consumer...

....anybody have any big summer plans coming up? Im very excited summer is here! We are all going to the beach next weekend and have another weekend planned in July. Now if I could only drop like 10-15 pounds!

my favorite day of the work week!

ahhhh.... yep it's friday! 1 hour till lunch. The weather is absolutely miserable. It is the kind of day, that makes you want to stay in bed under your nice down comforter, and listen to the rain fall.

It's been a busy week here in the office, and that makes me very happy!! I figure I would sneak on and do a semi quick update!

it's kind of been a slow week at home. Which was much needed. I enjoyed the 2 evenings that I was home alone with TLM. I will miss him much while he is at his father's this weekend. He is spending more and more time with The Ex's girlfriend. Im trying my best to be adult about it. The Ex informed me that he would like to take TLM to O.C. Md. with the girlfriend and his family, for a whole week!! This makes my stomach turn. But what can I do? I have to just deal with it, that is life. It's just so damn hard. I moved the rest of my things that were in The Ex's attic last weekend. Not fun. It wasn't that much of stuff, it just sucked saying good-bye to our house... the final door closing.

On the dating front, just as I predicted things have calmed down. BDB is just about out of the picture. I've lost interest. He's just too laid back for me. Such a shame too, cause he's so cute, and will make someone very happy. It's just the timing is off for me. The FB has been coming on strong. Alot has been happening with him lately. Im not sure what to make of it all. I mean I still feel no feelings of love for him, but we do have fun together. last weekend we over indulged. Really over indulged!! I haven't had a weekend like that in sometime. I'm not sure what this weekend will hold. Im hoping it will be semi low key... I'd be happy just hanging out at the local pub tonight... after Ive made myself pretty!
They are opening a small brewery in town, I was thinking of trying to get a bartending job there. That would so sweet...

oh oh oh... I purchased Head Automatica tickets for June 28th at the North Star Bar... I am so excited... even though I have no one to go with yet! But I purchased 2 tickets anyway..lol... anyone live in philly?

tata - must get back to work