Mother's Day Weekend

Despite my entry below I had a fabulous weekend. The week leading to it was very stressful and emotional. The 3 of us went away to the mountains over the weekend. Cam exclaimed it was the best vacation ever. That makes a Mom feel good, and it if it wasn't for R it wouldn't have happened. We stayed in a house up in the Poconos, we arrived at like 7:30 Friday night. We went to dinner then back to the house to relax. None of us were up late, but we were all up early. We had some yummy breaksfast at a small cafe called Piggy's. Then we commenced to explore a little. We were told about this place called boulder field. I wasn't expecting what we saw. First it took us like 15 to 20 mins on a dirt road through a park to get to it, and it was massive, see pics. It was awesome, Cam LOVED it. We did some relaxing and Cam took a 2.5 hr nap since he was up at 6am and took in all that fresh mountain air. After dinner Sat. eve, we went for a walk, and it was truly enjoyable. It's times like that, I feel like wow this is it, I am happy. Sat, night was not to enjoyable, but Sunday it was squashed and the boys made me breakfast per Cams request. On our way home we stopped in Jim Thorpe. I have never been there and it was absoulutely beautiful. We took a small walk skipped some rocks, and just took in the scenery in the Lehigh Valley Gorge. Sunday night 5 of us went to dinner. Cam, Ray and I as well as my G-Mom and Ray's Mom. It was a very pleasant dinner. I really wanted some steak but was conscious of the fact that R was kind enough to take us all out. My Grandmother received one phone call on Mothers day from one of her 4 kids. How sad is that? I know my Mom recieved no phone calls, but then again we don't have her number. I hope she was bitter, hell I know she was bitter. I love that Cam has such a special relationship with my G-mom. I tell him that she won't be around forever and he has to take each opportunity and make it a memory. It amazes him that she is 76..LOL
Im feeling slightly sick today. My throat is scratchy and my sinus' are clogging. I had to stay home yesterday because Cam was feeling the same way, and I took him to the Dr. I don't want hm to be sick for his Father's wedding *gulp*

relationships

Ok I have a lot of work to do, but I feel the need to make an entry. I know what I want to say, I just don't know how to put it into words. It's about my current relationship. This relatinship has been a whirlwind from the begining. I have been flip flopping from the begining as well. That is a bad sign right there isn't it? There are times when it seems so right, and this is what I want for the rest of my life, but I can't help but question EVERYTHING. Like why I feel the way I do. It's is hard not to get swept up into someone when they are telling you everything you want to hear. For example, that they love you, want to spend the rest of their life with you, that everything will be ok. That we'll make it through together, I'll help you. Then on top of all that, you get taken out to places, and do things that you could easily grow accustomed to. Just ask my waistline, which has seriously expanded in the last 6 months. I have tried to break things off, seriously. But I'm a pushover , it is one on my many faults and I am a romantic and want to believe in us. I also feel that I'm manipulated, and played with. Everytime I have broken it off, the things you want to hear increase 10 fold. And those things are said because he knows it will work. Then is it my fault that I go back, when you are telling me all the things I want to hear? But all those things that are said, are not mentioned again once the realationship is back on. The other thing that drives me absoulutely crazy is the well I was about to or going to do this Karen, but you went ahead and walked out, or hung up and so on. Do you understand what Im saying. Its a game its like he tries to punish me, for "acting out". I don't know how else to explain it. He has the perfect explanation and answer for everything, adn Im sorry people but that is just IMPOSSIBLE. I am not crazy, and he is not perfect. He likes to make me feel that he is smarter and this causes me to have to be right or try and prove myself right all the time. And it causes bickering. But I can't stand when he says something like so matter of factly and I feel it is wrong and then prove it. Im annoying, I know but I don't like feeling like an idiot.

This is the shit that is going through my head. But when it is good it is good. But I can't help but think my hesitation, and my issues are nagging at me for a reason. And the longer I drag this out the harder it is going to be. Why can't I just be alone? Why can't I just work my ass off, be drug free, be an involved parent and be happy? How come things are so much easier said then done. I just wish I was a stronger person.

Marriage

It's really happening, he is really getting married, and it happens next Friday. I've been ok with it, really I have! I have accepted that we aren't to be together. So why then do I get more irrational as the day draws nearer? I don't want it to bother me, but yet, I have cried the last 3 nights alone at home. Not to mention I've caused arguements between R and I all week long as well. Stupid immature arguements. I can't tell him I think I know why I'm acting the way I am. He wouldn't understand, hell I don't understand. *sigh* Maybe it's not him getting married at all, maybe it is just her fullfillng my fantasy of a wedding. I keep imagining it. I can't stop looking at her myspace, it's torture I know. Is it truly possible for one person to be SO HAPPY? I've even found the registry. I have to stay strong for Cam's sake. He is the best man, and he is excited. I do not want to take that away from him. I think I will feel better once the day has come and gone.

We are heading out of town this weekend, R, Cam and I. We are heading up to the mountains to stay in a house on Lake Harmony. I truly can't wait. It was been a trying week for R and I. I just have so much going on in my mind. How do you enjoy life when there are so many things going wrong in it? Sometimes driving into a tree seems so appealing, or a handful of sleeping pills. Yes, I'm a coward. I've always tried to take the easy route to escape my problems, that is why I'm an addict. I wasn't given the proper tools growing up to handle life's curve ball properly. And that is a quote from my therapist. Bills, DUI, Love, it's all so complicated.

It feels good to write. I miss it. I don't it has been so difficult for me to sit down and try and put some thoughts on paper. I've the FB a few times, and that was therapuetic.

Be back soon

A quick overview

Wow people it is 2008! Happy New Year!! I have been very, very negligent with this blog and alot has happened. Here is my quick re-cap of the last month and half.

Mr. Perfect/Mr.Wonderful, well lets just say I jumped the gun again. Things are just about over. I really don't want to go into it.

The holidays were blah....due to my stupidity of hitting a parked car on the way home x-mas eve from my Grandparents house. And I was 3 blocks from hy house. It was very frightening, my car has been deemed totaled, and towed away. I am currently borrowing a friends car for the time being. There is long road ahead of me due to this. I am not proud of my actions. I thought things were finally going in the right direction for me. I've been thinking postive and staying positive. I have changed my habits, but not good enough. Nothing is ever good enough.

One good thing that has come out of this so far is that I've used my insurance money to pay off some bills. I am finally on track with my rent and intend to stay that way.

What else? I recieved a letter from Pat. It was great to hear from him. He is in my thoughts often. I realize that if he didnt go away I probably never would of cleaned my act up. I am sorry that he is the one suffering.

I attempted to reconcile with my mother , but that didn't really work out. I guess I'm a little bitter about the fact that she won't even give me her phone number. I mean here I am, I reached out to her; which is something I promised I wouldn't do. I wanted her to apologize for once, to admit that she was wrong in breaking my trust. But I put all that aside, and she can't meet me half and give me her phone nuimber. How shitty is that? Keep in mind, she never needed to change it in the first place because of me. Hell I don't even know why she changed it. I never harassed her or anything. The whole situation is just shitty, and she proved to me once again just what type of person/mom she is, or rather isn't.

Cam is doing GREAT! I couldn't be more proud of him. He turned 6 back on Nov 27th. He had a tough time with his Dad being on tour this last round but we all worked together to remain positive. Heck, he got to go to New York and use te tamborine on stage with the band Straylight Run, He has also be able to see his Dad play a few different shows in different venues. There are not too many 6yr olds that can say that. As much as he misses his Daddy, I know he is really proud of him too. Today Cam is doing his first oral report in school, it is on rattlesnakes. He did a run through this morning, I was unbelievably proud of him. He never ceases to amaze me. He is what keeps me going. I've been making great strides in being a better mother. I have been seeing a psychologist regulary and staying away from partying. I enjoy getting up early on Sat & Sun. and getting things done. I feel alot better about myself. I just wish x-mas eve never happened. Alas I will persevere.

So that is my update. Work is going hella slow today. I got my cable hooked back up yesterday, I am looking forward to watching it this weekend. I also am having my Step-Dad and Tracie over for dinner tomorrow. Im going to make a stuffed tenderloin. hmmm hmmmm

tata