my little man is 5 today!

November 27th, Cameron turns 5 today. Amazing how quickly time goes by. I had a birthday party for him this weekend, that I beleive was quite successful. After just about everyone left, Cam, thanked me and told me that Im the best party setter upper ever, and that he loves me sooo much. Those are the moments to hang on to. I had so many people in my little apartment it stresses me me out immensly. I was happy that Cam's fraternal grandparents came. As well as his aunt and uncle. I really miss the fmily gatherings with them all. They were a highlight during the holidays when we were all a family. i've noticed diffrences in Cam the last couple of weeks. He's really interested in learning more, eating new things, and oh has his attitude been showing. Who created this monster? oh yea thats right it was me. We took cupcakes into school today and next sunday is his kid party, so the fun isn't over yet.

Things with me are.. well....the same. I am however taking a step this evening to better my life. I can imagine my life before my downward spiral and I can imagine it afterwards. Today is the first day that I am commiting to change. No matter how much I abuse myself, I can not turn back the clock. I have to move on, I have to get healthy. I can not lose what little I have left. I've already screwed up so much. I long to be in love again. I keep thinking how 5 yrs ago today that I was unbelievably happy. We were happy. Now he is marrying someone else, now he is on the road now more that he is home. He misses so much by not being here.
im all over the place with this entry i apologize. my emotions are running crazy today.