I cry

So here I am. Bet you thought I disappeared forever. Well no. I've just royally screwed up my life. This really is nothing new. So I quit my job about 6 weeks ago. I quit it under the wrong circumstances. I was never happy there, I tried. But it wasn't unbearable that I shouldn;t have found a job prior to quitting. I just don't know what it is going to take. What is the final straw? When am I going to stop punishing myself, for losing evrthing I thought I had? When will I rise above it, and instead of disappointing "him" over and over, I should of become a better persons. Instead I just cry. In the morning in the night. I completely miserable with my life, but yet don't change it. Me not having a job is starting to takes its toll. I'm 10 times meaner than usual, I'm taking it out on everyone. If it wasn't for the FB helping me, I don't know what I would do. But then again if it wasn't for the FB would I even be in this situatuation? I constantly make promises to myself, and constantly break them. Why can;t I be happy alone. Why can;t looking at my beautiful soon, and just be happy with him. Why do I need the confirmation of love from a man, who will only turn around and crush me. Because they all do, they all do. They can swear until the cows come home, but it always changes. But then there are people like me and one of my best girls, that no matter how bad the boys cruhed us we sit home pining away for them. Its self torture really. I mean christ do they even deserve us, hell no.

Anyway... so nothing truly exciting has been happening. Tough to go out when your flat broke. Haven't been to my favorite brewery since my birthday. Oh yea my birthday!! It was great, sitting there with 12 people who are the closest to me, brought tears to my eyes. It hurt me hte most htat neither of my parents could take out any time on a Saturday to come wish me a happy birthday. Guess that just goes to show you. My brother was amazing, he bought the whole dinner. Mia made me all pretty, I don't think I ever felt that good before. My smile was so big, I strutted around that place like I owned it. I have pics, but I can't find myco ard to upload them. I will soon though. Oh yea Mia, she came to PA for about 5 days, for my birthday. It really was just like old times. I was scared that it was going to be weird, but it wasn't. We didn't get to spend as much one on one time as we wanted, the FB really didn't help matters. On her first night here, we went to the city, she had found this little lounge called Medusa's lounge. It was really tiny, but had a lot of people. I sported one of her tops and hot damn I was feelin purty. I danced my little butt off. And once Mia met a boy I was left to my own devices, and jus started talking everyone up in the place. It was great. We left at 2am, I had to jet fast once the lights go up, I didn't want anyone to see me. lol. The boy Mia met came up and hung out with us the next 2 nights. He was really sweetie. So not her type at all, but she didn't let that bother her. There is something about him. Ya gotta give him props for hanging out with complete strangers, especially drunk ones.

So the Ex is back out on tour again. *sigh* I I aksed him last night when will it stop hurting. I can't imagine that it is. Because TLM is so much like him it painful sometimes. From the things he says, to the way he looks he is is father's clone. I don't know how people deal with it. Just one day at a time I suppose.
Ok well thats enough of an update for today. I have so much more I want to say, but I've been at the library for 2 hours so far. I need to go home and shower!

tata