My car is all better now!! YIPEE!!! Now about my heart....

It’s fixed, it’s fixed, and it is going to cost me nothing!! Yes NOTHING!! Maybe a few more grey hairs. I just go off the phone with the dealer and my car issue is covered by warranty. She said something about my throttle positioning mechanism. Whatever all I know is that the problem is gone, and it costs me NOTHING. I’m picking it up tomorrow morning. God I hope this is a sign of a streak of good things to come!

But it started off so good.....

I didn’t think this week could get any worse. Hell I woke up today feeling very positive, putting all negative things aside. I put on a pair of jeans I haven’t worn in probably about 2 yrs. Now that will make a girl happy! I mean I was feeling grrreat. So how do I keep up with this semi-weight loss? I mean I’ve only lost weight because I haven’t eaten on weekends in a few months. Thanks to the benefit of doing drugs. Now I’m back to no partying, so let the eating commence. So anyway, the morning was going well. I text the Ex to share my good news about my jeans fitting (Im pathetic I know) and he text me back that, that’s great! LOL…. I leave my house, on time, get into my Grandmothers car and it won’t start. Can this really be happening? Can my luck be any shittier? I seriously need a valium right now. I’m about to freak the fuck out. My voice has this shrill to it, which only comes out when Im excited or feel like this! My brother came over to see if he could help, but not luck. We hooked jumper cables up to it, and the thing didn’t turn over at all!!! It seems everything I touch turns to shit lately. So I called my good friend Ang up to see if I could borrow her car to get my ass to work, thank God for friends. I don’t know why I just didn’t go to them in the first place. So now I sit and await the phone call from my dealer to get an update on my car. My brother is buying a new battery for my Gram’s car; I’m hoping that, that will fix the problem. Fingers crossed!

I heard back from my Bro, he is having my Grams car towed; they believe it is a starter issue. Shit!

So on the loneliness front. Last night was better than Weds. night. No crying. My mind did keep betraying me though. My thoughts kept wondering to him, thinking about all the good times. Isn’t it funny how that works? No matter how bad shit gets, as time goes by your brain likes to forget the bad things and only dwell on the good things. Like, his shoulders. I think I liked his shoulder the most. They are the most beautiful color, and when he sweats the way they glisten. Ugh! Kept thinking about all the times we sat laughing our asses off watching TV, and how damn dorky he can be. I miss beating him up, and having him beg for mercy. I miss taking care of him, making him good meals, and the way he smells when he gets out of the shower. I miss locking my legs around him as he’s fucking me, and having him not be able to hold back any longer because it just feels so good. All his “oh baby’s” *sigh* But I could list all things I don’t miss. I will be home this weekend while he is out screwing some other girl. Telling her everything that she wants to hear, just so he can get into her pants. Hell he’ll probably tell her that she gives the best blow jobs, or how he fits just so perfectly inside her. Lines, Lines, Lines. I’m such a foolish girl. Everyone will be out having fun, and not even notice that I’m not there.

I plan on being productive around the house this weekend. Instead of spring cleaning, I’m going to do fall cleaning. Rearrange my living room, scrub the bathroom, and vacuum every nook and cranie in my apartment. Go through Cam’s toys, and get rid of some. Remove my air conditioners, and put the storm windows down. Damn it was cold this morning! If I have transportation, I want tot take tlm to St. Pete’s Village, let him walk on the huge boulders, take some good pictures of him. Spend quality time with him. I must keep myself busy surround myself with family and not miss what I never had. It never did really exist. It was all false.

Phew, this day is almost over. And I will be glad. It’s about 4:15 here, and I have been going non-stop, yea, I complain but I love it. When Im this busy at work, it’s a high all unto itself. I feel and look like I just did a fat rail off the back of a toilet. My phone won’t stop ringing, the emails keep coming, everyone needs something done. And this is suppose to be my slow week. I guess if I didn’t miss so much time, and focused more at the beginning of the month I wouldn’t be having these issues. But oh well like I said I love it. I can’t stay late since we are going to the car dealer after work. Oh I just can’t wait to get lectured by my brother. He’s already commented on how if I didn’t run around so much, my car wouldn’t be having these issues. Sorry bro, I like to have fun. Our types of fun are way different. He going to be 35, married for 13yrs, 2 kids boy/girl, 2 dogs, a tiny house.. blah blah blah… oh and he has God. Maybe that is my problem. Our lives couldn’t be more different. Goes to show you that I am my mother’s daughter and he is my father’s son. That’s who we grew up with, in separate houses. Funny.


So Im hoping tonight is much better emotionally for me. I think I had myself all worked up before even getting home last night. I was dreading it before I walked out the door. Once I got home, I sat fidgeting on my couch wondering what I can do. I wound up going over to an old friends house, to watch Lost. I didn’t even last till 9:00 I just wasn’t content. So I left, and on my way home is when the flood gates opened. I sat in my driveway and cried and cried. And I did a bad, bad thing. I called him (the FB). Yea I was just looking for something to smoke, something to knock me out. But once I spoke to him, and knew he was only a few blocks away, it made everything worse. I sat on my bed and just sobbed, not knowing who to call or what to do. I called the Ex, when he called me back I didn’t answer, I felt bad burdening him, with my poor pity me attitude. Then I got a text from a boy who is the friend of another boy I’ve been talking to. Thankfully my eyes dried up. And he I were texting back and forth for awhile. See all I needed was a distraction. I would love to get together with this person, but people my face is SO BUSTED right now. It is so embarrassing, Im not going to try and impress some boy with a face like this. Im half tempted to post a pic just so you could have a good laugh.

See my fierce bruise from playing air hockey Friday night. I usually kick ass, my game was totally off. I guess I should of took that as a sign that my night was going to wind up really bad.

can it get any worse?

I’m losing my shit. Last night was not good. Too much crying. My check engine light has come on. I have to take my car to the dealer after work, and leave it there. I have no idea what I am going to do. I am super busy at work. I’m about to get my little friend, I’m feeling very frazzled. What I wouldn’t do to be held in someone’s arms and told everything is going to be ok; someone to tell me how great I truly am, and how much they love me. I am DEPRESSED. I have so much more I want to say, but I am swamped right now.
You know what I need? I need to sit down a puff a fatty. Yea your thinking that ain't the answer. But I know me, and that is what I freakin need, my nerves would be so much better!!

Shitty Week

Feeling good, but not looking so good. My face is so busted right now. I don’t think it has been this bad since I was pregnant with TLM. I have to start taking my prescribed medicine. I just can’t afford to get it filled at this time, soon though. Until then I’m hiding out!

This week has been pretty shitty. I was late for work on Monday, then Tues TLM woke up with a fever. I drove him all the way to school, then took his temp. He was acting very tired too. I then brought him into my work, I knew they would never believe that he was actually sick. I haven’t been the model employee these last 6 months. So Me and TLM went home and he rested up. He was fine by the afternoon. I too rested up, not sure why I was so damn tired, I’ve been going to bed early; keeping myself out of trouble. I’ve been shutting my phone off at 8:00 just so I’m not bothered by anyone calling.

And to add to my shitty week, my car is fucked up. I mean seriously. I’m terrified to take it to the shop. It’s either my transmission, or my shifter. This morning it would not kick into gear. I am worried sick about this. And I fucked up, I knew I was having problems and did not take my car into the dealer before my warranty was up. I am approx 300 miles past my warranty. I have no idea what I’m going to do. Christ I don’t know how Im going to make it till next payday, let alone thousands of dollars worth of work needing to be done on my car.

So yea, this is my luck. I am being punished, I realize that. I finally decide to get my shit together and it’s falling apart worse, or just everything is catching up with me. I’m starting to look for a PT job. This will provide me with extra money, and also keep me occupied. I need to be occupied. Tonight will be tough. TLM is at his father’s tonight and tomorrow. I plan on staying at work till 7:00 (good luck with that) then going home chugging some wine, crawling into my bed. If only I had a little bud. I know I know, replacing one thing with another is no good, but it will keep me sedated and home bound. I need to stay home bound.

On the FB front, no news is good news!! So he hasn’t verbally blasted me for my last entry. This makes me happy. Angi, said that what I wrote was good, and not mean. (it wasn’t meant to be) It was just a release. I’m sure he’s busy working on his next conquest, and I’m merely a passing thought in his brain.

So yea, I’m still feeling very positive (besides my car issues). Life will get better. I deserve better!

Good Bye Pat

*sigh* and it feels good to say it. Yes I realize it’s only been a few days. But I truly feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. For all of the good things you’ve done for me, there have been double the bad things you’ve done, or have made me feel. I’ve never in my life been in a situation like ours. I’ve never let anyone disrespect me, like I let you. No one has ever spoken to me like you. Your words cut like a knife, sometimes filled with so much disgust and so much anger. But let’s be fair. Lets flip it and look at the last six months positively. You have brought out my fun side, my sexual side. As much as you lower my confidence you build it. All the nights we've gone out, and you telling me how hot I look, repeatedly. All those nights we sat up till the morning hours talking, you telling me everything I wanted to hear, well mostly. The sex, oh the sex. Christ you sure did make me a lot more free with myself. You’d stroke my ego, I’d suck your dick. And I loved it, I loved it all. I even started to forget the fact that you thought I was too hairy or too heavy.
I enjoyed watching you get off. How you twitch, toes curl, legs kicking. Thank you.

Yes our situation started out as “friends”, we were fuck buddies. I was taking from you, you were taking from me. We were using each other, and doing it well. You always said you didn’t want commitment. I always said I couldn’t deal with you fucking someone else while we were together. We never did see eye to eye on that. I just had to deal with what ever came my way, when it comes to you. Why is that? You are infectious. Some people love to hate you. You've said yourself, even people who don’t like you want to talk to you. Drugs had a lot to do with us. You ignited something in me that hasn’t been lit in a while. All those nights of talking, and all those compliments you fed me, only happened when we were high. The next day to you, it was like it never happened, but to me I harbored those conversations inside of me, hoping you meant everything you said, but knowing full well its just part of the “game”.

Love, ha love!! I giggle just thinking about it. Not once did I ever believe you loved me. NOT ONCE. Who would believe it? You only said it when you were fucked up and fucking me. And not once did I believe it when I told you. I only started to say it because I could tell as your fucking me that’s what you wanted to hear. So there, we don’t love each other, never did, and never will. There is only one person that holds that special position in your heart. And we know who that is, don’t we? The big D.

Yes, D. I'll leave her full name out of it. You poor thing. You really do need some help dealing with her, and that whole situation. I truly feel sorry for you, when you speak of her so often to so many people. Do you not think it gets back to her? You do need to let if go. Ok enough of that.

Back to the “friends” that we were. Funny how you pulled the friends card when it was convenient for you. Like say this weekend. God this weekend. I have never, ever felt so used, unwanted, invisible, and hurt. You haven’t used us being “friend” card in sometime. Christ Pat, you were living at my house. Things were good then all of sudden it all went to shit. I tried my best to get it back to in where we were. But it’s just not meant to be. And this I’ve always known. I was just fooling myself for a short time, a very short time. I allowed myself to see past all your imperfections, and to see the man that you could be. I set aside all the bad things you've made me feel. But that’s my problem. I always want to make the other person happy, at the expense of my own happiness. Always feeling that everything is my fault and I must make things better. But I know now that I did nothing wrong. NOTHING. No matter what mean things you are going to say in response this, it won’t affect me. I am a strong person, a likeable person, an attractive person. I won’t allow you or anyone else to beat me down mentally anymore, or again.

Please realize I’m not doing this in spite, I’m not writing this in anger. I don’t want to fight with you. I don’t want to talk to you. The less I see of you the better I will be. Please know that I will not speak of you. Actually I intend in severing a lot of the ties I’ve made the last 6 months. I will not be running into you at our local bars. I don’t want that. I will be spending the next couple of months getting my self cleaned up and my life back in order. I’m not happy with the person I’ve become. It has caused me a lot of anguish these last 3 weeks. And only those closest to me care, and will help me. I know I’ve done this all to myself, I put myself into the situations. It’s now time to for me to remove myself. I realize that it will be especially hard to avoid you considering Andy and Angi, but I will do my best to keep my distance.
You’ve been wanting to read my blog, so here you go!
Good Bye Pat,

In the words of Dr. Dre….
“Keep my name out of your mouth, and I will do the same.”

(lol)

Wee willie winkie

So the Ex and I went to lunch yesterday. And I am so glad that we did! No- nothing happened- chill. He called me stating that he would like to meet up. The plan was to go to the park and have lunch, but we decided against it and just went to an eatery and talked.

******Deleted****************

So the lunch went well. We sat there for over an hour and talked like 2 best friends. I am very grateful for the relationship we continue to have. The fact that he can share this personal stuff with me (Im horrible for telling you all.ha.), and I with him, is awesome. Of course I filled him in on the FB, whom he doesn’t care for. But is a good sport to listen.

Any thoughts on his “problem”

Decisions Decisions!

*sigh* I don’t know where to begin. The last hour has my head spinning, and I’m sure it will stay in this mode for at least a week. I guess first, I should do a brief re cap of the weekend.

The weekend overall went rather well considering I was kind if dreading it with the FB and I fighting. I mean I was looking forward to the time alone with TLM, and just some serious down time, but knew I would be faced with a certain loneliness. Friday night I was in bed by like 9:30. The FB wound up texting me at around 11 to apologize for his cunt text to me. This was rather puzzling, because I was like what about all the bitch name calling. I still had his things sitting out back on my stoop waiting for him to pick it up. I didn’t talk to him the whole weekend. My Dad was quick to tell me on Sat. that he had seen the FB walking downtown at 6:00 in the morning. This kind of upset me. Because I knew from where my Dad told me he saw him, that he had spent the night with this girl he’s been talking to. My Step Mom took me out to get my nails done for my birthday. When I got home I was restless. I made a few calls hung out with this boy Ant. He came over and watched a movie. At around midnight my friend N, called me, so I headed over to her house. I was pretty excited that my night was shaping up to be interesting. I went over there till about 5:30 then came and got some sleep. TLM was awesome snuggled up with me and watched cartoons. Once we got moving at like 2:30, I went to Angi’s to get my laundry detergent, and no one was there. I saw the FB’s flip flops sitting there, and thought that they were probably at the park playing tennis, and headed over. And there they were. I was quite nervous, because I hadn’t talked to the FB. We did a pretty good job of ignoring each other, but keeping it civil, so that our friends weren’t uncomfortable. TLM and I wound up hanging at Angi’s house the rest of the afternoon, and eating dinner there. The 4 of us played quaits, the girls kicked the boys ass. All in all it was a good afternoon. But he couldn’t resist me…. Muahhhhh

I went home at like 6:30, telling everyone good-bye, I was in a good mood. I didn’t even care he wasn’t coming home with me. Well as soon as I walked in to the house, he text me, some corny texts. I agreed to talk to him, (against my better judgment) Me and TLM went over to pick him up. We didn’t really talk much about what happened. And I’m still not feeling comfortable around him. My guard is up. I know he spent the night with that girl, MB. And I know how he is under the influence. He says he tried to sleep with her but she wouldn’t allow it. I do not believe this. And if it is true, what the fuck am I sloppy seconds. He can’t get her, so he comes back to me? Pfft! Whateves, I’m getting what can, and trying to stay guarded. I know I’m asking to be hurt by keeping myself in the situation. I should bail. I should also seek drug, and mental health counseling, but I won’t. No yet. I’m. Not. That. Bad. Yet.

So anyway back to the Ex, oh hell Matt! After I get back from picking up the FB I call Matt to confirm his visitation with TLM this week. I had to switch it up a little for work. Matt happened to be on his way back from practice in D.C. The call was short, I ended it with a giggle. He then text me, “I know why you laughed” I simply said, I just find it funny how well be both avoid the obvious. He then called me back, ***Deleted***************. Although I could not stop thinking about Matt and whether I made the right decision. Sex with the FB just wasn’t; the same for me. First, I cant stop thinking of Matt, secondly, Im thinking all the FB is thinking about is that girl MB, and how he’s only here by default. UGH!!

Drama

Drama, drama, drama. Oh how my life is filled with drama.

So last Friday (Sept. 9) was my birthday. I’m now 29yrs old. I still act like Im 19 sometimes. But hey it’s all good. I was really stressing about my birthday as it was approaching. I don’t about ya’ll but it’s all I talk about for like 2 weeks before it, “my birthday, my birthday, MY BIRTHDAY”….lol… No I’m not after gifts, I just wanted to go out and have FUN! The weekend before my b-day ended very badly with the FB. This marks the beginning of a very steep decline with the FB and I. Anyway, all week I was stressing because the FB and I weren’t talking, and in my heart of hearts, I just couldn’t imagine, have an awesome birthday with out him there. I always have so much fun with him. When we are out he’s always telling me how hot I am. And hell it works damn it. I fall for it big time!

Angi and I planned on going to the brewery first, than the FB and Andy were going to meet us. Thankfully I did talk to FB at Angi’s house and everything was ok between us. Let the fun begin! I got some party goods after work, so I wasn’t dependent on anyone that evening. We went to brewery and drank some beers, the 4 of us. We were there till almost midnight, I want to then head over to our local dive strip club. We’ll call it the Ballet. Angi did not want to do this. She has never been there, and isn’t comfortable having her husband around girls. *even though she has absolutely no reason to feel that way, her husband fucking adores her, and I only hope I marry someone so trustworthy as him.* But I convinced her to go against her will, I said one drink please, please!! The ballet was packed, and did I mention I was feeling good!! Angi and I were the only other girls besides the strippers. We were there maybe 30 mins, and had to leave. We then headed to our local pub that we hang out in a lot. I was ready for some air hockey. I’m a dork I know it. We only had about an hour left before the bars closed. I was talking to everyone, The FB is still telling me how hot I am. A cute boy asked for my number, which I gave him. It was pretty funny. Because he’s like my name is so and so, can I have your number. Im like um, geez, can you be a little more forward? But since he was cute, I gave it up. The FB loved it, cause he knew he was going home with me.

At 2:00 we were heading back to my place. We were supposed to place some chutes and ladders, but too many people came back. I wound up with 13 people in my tiny ass apartment, and having quite the party. Back to the FB. We hadn’t had any real time to talk. And we both wanted to badly. One we got tom y place we were in the bedroom, and he was just all over me. Telling me how much he missed me all week, and that he realized that he does love me. And how fucked up he was over it. He didn’t want to admit this, but ahh drugs are a many wondrous thing. We were both wishing at that point that no one had come back to my place, so we could just be together. But hell the party must continue. And continue it did. The last 2 people left at 8:30 in the morning, and the FB and I were finally alone.

That is the short version, sorry if it lacked detail. There are things I like to forget. Like the FB’s ex showing up, and hanging till 7 in the morning, or how about the money I spent. Ughh. Things with the FB have not been the same since. He pulled away from me, suddenly he was to busy this week for me. We got into another argument on Mon. we weren’t talking. But I called him while on a binge Tues night, and he was back over Weds. Then Thurs. he screamed at me on the phone because I questioned him. And that was that. I mean he totally went ballistic on me. He asked me to pick up his bag of clothes at his friends house, I simply asked why that friend couldn’t bring his bag when the FB saw him later that evening at band practice. This is when he told me not to question him, via yelling at me. I won’t tolerate being yelled at, and I’m not going out of my way to do something for you if you are going to disrespect me in such a manner. Well then text messages started flying and voicemails were being left. Bottom line is, I saw Pat’s true colors last night. He started calling me a Bitch, and ungrateful bitch, you fucking cunt, all I do for you, etc…. at the time I thought this was fucking hilarious. It was so immature. Sure today I’m more bummed about it. But still I’m not shedding tears over him. He really kind of scares me. There is some serious shit wrong with him. He’s very verbally abusive. So that is over. For real!

Back to the bar boy. Remember, he asked for my number? Well he called. Shocking I know.

****************deleted****************************.

I’ll have to fill you in on bar boy later, because it is just about 5:00.

Im still alive

See it comes across so differently when you type it…. “You’ve got me so worked up, all I can think about is how thick you are and how its fits me so perfectly” now picture a giggly me saying it instead. LoL… yea I should of texted it.


Post b-day Post coming up soon!!

Labor Day Weekend..Woot Woot

*sigh* its been a good week! Actually since last Friday it's been great. So let's recap shall we?

Last Friday the FB and I went to the shore. I was feeling hesitant about this, considering how he's been acting in the days leading up to it. We didn't leave town unitl 9:00pm, which is extremely late! I wasn't too happy about this, but let it go, no sense on bickering about something you can't control. This boy seriously needs to move faster in getting ready for things though. It is truly my biggest pet peeve with him. He moves like a snail, he had 5 hrs to be ready but wasn't. anyway!

We arrived at my cousinis in Delaware around 11:30 pm. my Uncle was the only one there because my cousin and her huband were in DC for the Redskins game. So the FB and I sat with my Uncle till 3am in drinking beers. It was quite the memorable experience. My Uncle is an alcoholic. he's been in more trouble than anyone I know. He comes off as a miserable old man, you just gotta know what to expect from him. I don"t think I've ever had a real conversation with him. The last 10 yrs of his life are most likely a blur to him. Hell he thought my Mom and her 2nd husband were still married. (my mom is currently divorcing her 4th!) Also note you can label my Uncle prejudice. He was prewarned that the FB was black. This really shouldn't be an issue in my family. His own daughter is married to a balck guy and has 3 kids, same with my sister. Funny how my family still felt the need to "warn" him. Everything went well though. The FB has a great personality, and everyone who talks to him, usually enjoys him. Heck if not at least you can laugh at him..haha.... My Uncle and him hit it off. Oh and my uncle confirmed that my Mom did in fact Fukc him back when her Dad were married, oy vey! ***Little History here**** my stepmother tried saying I was my uncles child years ago!! Is my family messed up or what??? I was pleased to at least be kept in the family... I joke about this, I don't believe, but I can't let it rest either. I spoke to my Uncle about it last week, (oh I love alcohol) fact is yes they did get it on, and he informed that she was good...ewwwww... hahahaha can you imagine? the FB and I almost fell out of our chairs. I spoke with my brother yesterday, and he was dying laughing.

The rest of the weekend was great fun. The weather was beautiful. We went to the beach he got to surf, I got my alone time. I bought a beach chair, and Im still excited about it. Im a dork I know it. I just hate sitting on beach towels in the sand. Actaully I just hate sand! When we got back to my cousins house everyone was home. they have 3 girls, the oldest is 9 the yougest turning 3. It is a very fun house. Oh and I did I mention BEAUTIFUL? I cant' even imagine! We started drinking once we got back, and by 10:00 I could barely walk. I went in and crashed out. Not before all my little cousins came in to hang out with me, we had a big tickele torture on the bed. Lots of little girls screaming. The FB went to come in the room not expecting to find 7 people on the bed, he quickly did an about face and bolted out the door. It was funny, most of all it was a great feeling connecting with parts of my family that I don't see knor was that close to. Call me a dork, but it warmed by frigid little heart. :) I didn't want to leave on Sunday, but had to get back to see my little man. My cousins were taking the jet skis out, man I wanted to do that. I've never rode on a jet ski before. I'm hoping this weekend I'll get to.

Yea that's right this weekend. The FB and I are taking TLM down bright and early Saturday morning and we are staying till Monday. My one 2nd cousin Bryn is turning 3, so they are having a party on Monday. TLM is not going to know what to think about all thse girls down there. There aren't any little boys, and these little girls prefer to run around unclothed! oy vey!

Tonight there is a lot of runnig around to do. First we have the typical Friday run, which is picking up the FB's check. I then need to deposit money in my bank so my rent check does not bounce! I then need to go to the laundry mat and do 4 loads of laundry, squeeze in hot dog dinner for the little man then get ice cream with my brother and his family. my brother was nice enough to invite us last night but we were in the midst of a late dinner. The FB also has to try and fit is surf board along with TLM car seat in my car. This should be interesting.

Ok I have 2 hrs left of work so I really should try and get something done. I leave you with a pic of my little man with a squirrel on him.

Happy Labor Day!!