Happy New Year!

I hope everyone has a safe and happy New Years celebration. I intend on it.
I think I going to take a 2 week breather here. So if anyone is out there, know that I'll be back.

Things took a seriously bad turn with the FB this morning. I'm hoping I was crazy enough that after 4 days he won't try and contact me again, like normal. I know I have said so many things so many times and then turned around and did the opposite. I truly do need some help. I know if he stays out of my life it will be much better; I will be much better. I know it isn't right to blame everything on him, but he is my enabler, and if it wasn't for him I feel I wouldn't be in the situation I'm in now. He is a black cloud in my life. I've know this always, I am just a weak person. I plan on reaching out to my family in my moments of weakness from now on. I had a conversation with my "Dad" the other night, and I know him and Tracie are there for me as well as my Grandmom, they won't judge me or throw things in my face that I have told them (like my brother would).

I do have to say though I am sorta scared of the repercussion of the fight we had this morning. I'm hoping he'll just slither away. He tried holding my cell phone hostage for $20.00, after I told him to get out, and that is when I flipped out. I FREAKED, and attacked him. I have not been that angry at someone in I don't know how long. But no one speaks to me that way, knor try and take my things in my home.

06' will be a better year!

Happy New Year!!
karen

I'll try and make this one more positive.

Well at least I’ll start out that way! I hit all my usual bookmarks today, reading everyone’s Christmas posts was nice. Made me feel like a bah hum bug, and made me reflect a little more on my Christmas; realizing how grateful I am for my son and things I do have. I did fail to mention that earlier! So let me start over again, sorry if some things are repetitious.

Friday we got out of work at 2:30. It was excruciatingly painful waiting to know when exactly we were going to be let out. It’s funny because at a lot of work places on the holidays, less work gets done, because of all the chit chat and fooling around. Well here the day before a holiday, it is the quietest ever. Everyone is working, busying themselves so that the big boss will let us out earlier. Kills me, cause there is no fun to be had what so ever. And he’ll let us go regardless. This is just an observation I’ve made while working here. I got home at like 3:00 and returned a call my big brother had made to me at 10:00 am. Well to put it mildly he was WASTED! Never in my life had I heard my brother like that. He had been at the fire house bar from 11:00 to 3:00 drinking Captain Morgan, he was slurring his words something serious. Talking about how this weekend is his Hanukah, because he gets sex from his wife 5 days in a row, because his birthday falls on x-mas…LOL. He told me he called because he misses me; it has been a few weeks since I’ve been over for dinner. Wow, my bro just told me he misses me...monumental I tell ya! I was like bro, you got get home a sober up, we have a family function this evening. He was all, aww... Im fine, Im going to pick up a bottle of Rum and bring it to Aunt Mary’s house… blah blah blah… Well my Sis in Law call me at 5:30, asking if I can take my niece and nephew to the family function. My brother was passed out drunk under the x-mas tree… puking every 30 minutes or so. Hilarious I tell ya. My brother will never live this down. Side note: his wife picked him up from the bar, he did not drive home! He didn’t stop getting sick until 3am in the morning, that totally sucks.. but I love it..hahahahah… I took a pic of him when I dropped his kids off later that night.

The family function at my Aunt’s was fun. Unlike some of my family members, I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with my family. I mean its entertainment! The food was awesome and the wine was flowing. This is the side of the family that I first got drunk with at my son’s b-day party. Apparently we are drinking at all get togethers now. Yippee! Cameron had a great time, he is the youngest by far, but he plays with all the big kids.. it warms my heart...cheesy I know but in that setting all I can think about is when I was young playing while all the adults stood around eating and laughing. Now I’m one of those adults. Still feels weird to me.

Saturday was some other family visiting, nothing much to report their. My Mother actually left some gifts for the little man and me at my Grandmoms. This was a surprise. I really shouldn’t have even accepted them due to my feelings towards her, but hell I did.
We haven’t spoken really since August, and I prefer things this way. There is to much hurt and anger between us.

Christmas eve night, we didn’t get home till like 10:30 then me and TLM snuggled on the couch till about 11:00. He was so funny when we went to bed. I had pushed my door shut slightly and he was all, No mom you have to shut it all the way, so Santa doesn’t think we are peeking out. So he went and pushed the door completely shut. I was so scared that I was going to conk out and not wake up to put hi presents under the tree. I watched some TV till I heard him snoring away and did my Santa thing, mission accomplished. In the morning he didn’t wake up till 8:15. How lucky am I? He is usually up at 7:00, I thought for sure he’d be up early for presents. He didn’t even run into the living room, he crawled into my bed asking, Mom do you think that Santa came. And when he saw his presents he goes, Mom, I was good little boy, Santa came!! He was all proud of himself. So we sat and let him open his presents. Of course in my selfish brain I was thinking of the fact that his Father was not with us and that last year he was… but I kept a smile on my face and kept going. Since we woke so late, we had to get moving, he to his Father’s, I to my Aunt Pat’s for breakfast. I got a gift certificate to the Auto place to get my tires yippee!! I spent the rest of the day alone until dinner time. It was nice to be alone, also depressing, but I tried not to think about it.

I tried not to think about the FB. I mean really deep down, I knew he wouldn’t be around on the holiday. Hell I know he won’t ever be reliable. I’m glad he wasn’t around. I do so much better when he isn’t. I don’t have to feel so defensive, and feel like I’m being judged at all times. But damn this girl is a horny biatch!! Let me tell you. I am going this evening to get my self a new little toy. This manual shit for the past few months has to got to stop...lol..I’m lazy too! I just need something small and buzzes.

Shoot I have run out of time. I got to run…. *sigh* I feel better writing all that.

Is anyone out there?

I’m back. I have no excuse except for shear laziness as to why I have not blogged. I’m sure the few who were reading this have given up on me. But I will go on. Christmas was good. This was the first year I’ve this poor. I only bought the little man presents. My money plan back fired in my face completely. I received a 738.00 check in the mail from the insurance company. But the bank will not cash it; they will only release the funds to the garage who fixes my car. That’s all well in good, except that I was counting on the money and blew through my paycheck the week prior. Figures. See last time I received an insurance check I had no problem cashing it (different insurance co.) so I was going on my previous experience. So now the holidays are over, and I just have my normal money problems to stress about. My cell phone, and cable are about to be shut off. My rent, car insurance and car payment are all due on the 1st of January. That’s about 200.00 more than I can afford, and that’s not counting the fact that I will need grocery money as well as gas money. Needless to say I’m a little depressed here. Not feeling like my chipper self. I have no desire to go anywhere or do anything. I’m upset with myself, but yet don’t know exactly what to do to get myself out of this jam. The FB and I are not speaking, and for the most part I am very happy for this, but damn that boy could really give me some money. He owes it to me, but there is no reason to dwell on that because it will never happen. God know what he’s been doing this past week, or who he has been doing. All I know is I was by myself the holiday weekend, the one thing I didn’t want to be. Yes I had TLM with me, but I didn’t have that love and emotional support I needed/wanted from a man. This was my first x-mas without the Ex and I being a family. The FB new I was dreading this time, yet he still dicked me over. He didn’t even call. That shows me how little he really cares about me. Sorry I’m sounding so pitiful. I feel so fucking pitiful.

TLM had a good x-mas. He’s been playing with all his Ninja Turtle gear non-stop. He turned in to quite the little hellion over the weekend. I had to give him a little whap on the ass and send him to his room yesterday. The attitude on him, ugh! After he calmed down we had a little talk, me telling him that he would continue to get time outs if this attitude kept up. I told him this morning when I took him to school that if he had a bad report today, there would be NO ninja turtles after school. I will stick to my guns on that!
It was non stop family time this weekend. I saw and went every where. Friday night was fun, I was with my fraternal side of the family. I must say I got quite buzzed. I did not want to wake up on Saturday. Then Saturday night, we went to my step-father’s side of the families function. This is a x-mas eve tradition, one I look forward to every year. My step-dad comes from a family of 12!! And it is such a fun and loving family how can you not look forward to it.

The eating, oh the eating!! My pants are tighter this morning… that doesn’t help my mood at all!
I’m going to get some work done now. I plan on trying to do another post before leaving work today. My thoughts are so scattered, I know I want to put more of them in to writing whether it makes sense to anyone else or not, I think it will make me feel better to put them down.

Oh and Aerin Kim, Arianne is PREGNANT!!!! PREGNANT! More on that later too!

**written last night** 12/15

Oh what a day! The weather here sucks! And have I mentioned that I have two extremely bald tires? Yep, I do. I’m guessing if I didn’t I wouldn’t have gotten into my little accident last week. I’m tempted to send the collision bill to the garage that inspected my car. I only had inspected two months ago, and it passed. What the hell is up with that? Right now it is raining/sleeting out. I left work at 3:00 pm, when it really looked like the snow was really falling down. I was trying to avoid another accident. Well the road that goes through our corporate development was so slippery I was totally freaking out. I had my four ways on and my car in low gear but my back end was still fish tailing around. People must of thought I was nuts, going so slow when there was barely anything on the ground. I called The Ex, asked him where he was at, he informed me he had just gotten back to his office. By this time I’m crying cause I’m scared. I ask him to drive TLM and I home, and he has no problem with that. I went to TLM’s school, which is 5 mins from my work, and we waited for The EX to pick us up. *sigh* This is when I start thinking hey this living a block away from me is quite convenient. And maybe I did overreact. Ok so maybe I realized I overreacted awhile ago, but geeze what do you expect.
So yea let me also add, that last night I had a nice dream about the Ex and I getting it on. Uh huh, so you can only imagine my thinking during the 25 min drive home this afternoon. I tried not looking at him as much as possible. And call me crazy, but I sensed the same from him. Funny thing is the way we were sitting in the truck. He drives a work truck, so Cam’s seat was in the passenger side and I was in the MIDDLE!! I’m sitting centimeters away from the man I literally want to devour. Ugh! It took every ounce of strength not to reach down and grab his inner thigh. *sigh* yep I am so screwed in the head I know! So that’s my day.

This week has very low key. I’ve been in every night. The FB and I aren’t speaking AGAIN. LOL. And AGAIN, I don’t care. I’m very happy with TLM. The FB chose drugs over us the other night, and that is where I draw the line. I’m no saint, but I won’t be used over and over again. Not to mention one of his friends completely lied about Monday saying I showed up at the friend’s house yelling in the driveway. Drug addicts are crazy, let me just say; because it never happened. I really don’t care enough to get all crazy. I’ve acknowledged over and over again that the fb is no good for me. I know that, you know that, he even knows it. So my week has been good, no to mention it feels good not feeling used. Working my ass of and not coming home to some fucking slacker who doesn’t work, but continues to eat my food, and treat me like shit.
Christmas is coming, I’m getting excited for the little man. I’m going shopping this weekend for him. I also made a small list for myself. I’m going to buy myself a nice little diamond band, a new purse, some sheets, and socks! I’m so excited!! The Ex and I already worked out the x-mas schedule with no hassles at all. My only request is to have him wake up with me and to have x-mas dinner with me. All time in between, the EX can have him. No problem! I’m probably going to go to the ex’s fathers families house x-mas day since the ex, will be at his girl’s families house. I can’t wait!! Ok I’m getting tipsier as I write so I am going to sign off now.

*Warning this could be longer than usual.

So many thoughts and feelings this week. Everynight I think about what Im going to write, but just never opened up the laptop to put it down. I never even wrote about the weekend which was pretty good, but I didn't take any pictures! I'm going to go backwards here. I really want to get out what I've been feeling the last two days.

Currently feeling: down, desperate, feed up!
I know the situation I'm in is no good; it will lead to nowhere. Actually it's leading somewhere, just not where I want to be. I could list a whole mess of reasons why it's no good for me, why he is no good for me; but it doesn't matter because I won't change. Why are people like that? You can recognize and admit to so many things but just refuse to really do anything about it. At first I was thinking that he cared enough to get off his ass and really do something. I'm not saying loved me enough, but actually just cared enough about me and TLM's well being that he could actually work and bring in some money so I can get gas, and eat. All I keep hearing is tomorrow, tomorrow. God, do you hear what I am saying? LOL what a fucking push over I am. I don't even know why I'm putting up with it. Really I don't. I've never seen a future with him, I've never even fantasize about having a future with him. But yet I let him suck me dry. I said last weekend, you have one week and you are out. Now don't get me wrong he isn't technically living with me, but hell he has been here going on 3 weeks. Granted I'm much more comfortable when he is here, because I know he is staying out of trouble. Ugh! At this point I'm thinking ok the weekend is coming that's when he will get some money, I'll get 40$ to hold me over till next Fri. and then he is out. I just want at least 40$. I'm owed at least that. Ok I think thats enough about that, I realize I'm the one keeping myself in the situation, I just need to vent somewhere.

I haven't really done anything this week. We've been in every night. Last night we went to Angi and Andy's 3 blocks away. Does that count as going out? A&A are redoing their kitchen. The FB was helping Andy put up dry wall, Angi and I ran to get a bottle of wine. Thank God, I needed a drink.
As Angi and I are on our way back, she asks where the Ex's place is. So I was like I'll drive you by. Incidentally the The Ex's place is smack dab between my place and A&A's place. So I'm driving by the Ex's house and who ya think is standing in the front window hanging decorations, yea the Ex. Shit! I couldn't believe my luck. I looked straight ahead but Angi said she looked right at him. LOL.. so now I'm a stalker. It was pretty funny though. Later on once the wine kicked in I had a little breakdown in bed. It's just upsetting to me to see their brand new house decorated with x-mas lights, and you could see their tree. And there is my baby's daddy, and our son was somewhere inside the house. It breaks my heart. Damn, my eyes are tearing up now. Other than that little breakdown, I've been handling everything very well. I'm just waiting now to be told they are engaged. ugh- my stomach!

Watched the movie Lords of Dogtown the other night. I really liked it. It gave me a good feeling at the end. If your not familiar with the movie, it's about when skateboarding became all the rage back in the early 70's. The movie focuses on a group of friends 2 of them really making a name for themselves in skateboarding history. I like those types of movies. All I think about is how fucking awesome it would be to be that person, to have accomplished something that was/is so inspiring to others. Not to mention the fame, these boys are infamous now. Maybe not to you but to some people. Heathe Ledger has a role on the movie, and he was great. I couldn't help constantly thinking he reminded me of Val Kilmer. Particularly this role Val did kind of recently. It was also a true story, damn what was the porn guy Dirk Digglers name, John Holmes I think it was. Anyway, he played John Holmes, he was awesome. I'm so horrible at writing about movies. haha

Hmm what else? This past weekend. I was torn on what to do last Friday night. Well I came home got showered and went out, duh! But I was home in bed at 11:00. yay me! I had smoked a little something something, so that knocked my ass out. Saturday was the big get together at another brewery we don't frequent. We didn't stay long because the place had a bunch of a-holes working in it. We left at 12:30 and went back to A&A house till like 4:00. There was some minor drama, but not even enough to write about. But let's just say that once again, there I was hanging out with the FB, our closest friends as well as the FB's Ex girlfriend. The girlfriend that I know every.fucking.thing. about. I lost my voice at around 2:30 that evening, I'm just getting it back now. I had the whole sexy raspy thing going on. Oh and I must say I looked HOT saturday night. I know not believable, cause there is no picture. How convenient right? And how conceited? Oh well, I don't feel hot too often, and when I do, I exclaim it!

I got into a little accident Monday morning. Yes another dent in my car. Hard to believe that less than a year ago, my car had one minor dent. Now I'm up to like 6, one of them costing my 1200.00 in order toget it fixed. I'm waiting for the appraiser to fax me his appraisal of Monday's damage. I had just left my house Mon. morning, Cam did not have a good morning, I was pissed off. I wasn't even a mile away as I'm going around this sharp corner there is a Ford F 450 with a trailer attached backing into a driveway, blocking both lanes. I slammed on the breaks, and skidded into his front tire. His tire bearings (?) went right into my bumper. We were actually stuck together. I was pissed. My dumb luck. He was cool though, we pulled over and waiting for the police. No tickets issued, it really was just an accident. One that will cost me at least $500.00.
15 minute till CSI, I must get my jammies on and crawl into me bed.
tata

Belated Birthday...

Ok, so I'm not the bestest friend in the whole world... but I gotta give up some love and a whole lot of happiness, as well as Birthday wisheS to my girl AERIN!! I know your birthday was the 5th, and in Korea it is already the 7th! Me sorry.. :(
I hope you had a spectacular day! I know things aren't great there for you, I hope the skater boy was a good distraction for you! Did you do anything fun?
Miss You!
Love You!
Karebear Extraordinaire !!! xoxoxoxox

its that time again!

The weekend is almost upon us. I am feeling very unsure about this evening. My gut is telling me stay in, watch a movie, drink some wine, surf some internet. But then my bad side is saying, oh go out for a few beers, you haven’t hung with Andy and Angi in weeks!! What are a few beers, right? Wrong! I don’t know when to stop, and one addiction leads to another. So at this point I am unsure of what my night has in store for me. I don’t think the FB is talking to me, and guess what I don’t care. Worrying about him is exhausting.

You know I ask for one night alone, and I couldn’t go through with it. I really wanted him to use his alone time wisely. Well that didn’t really happen. Considering he was up all night, I received text messages throughout the wee hours of the morning. I knew exactly what he was up to, and it’s so disappointing. Well at least one person is well rested! I shut the TV off at 9pm, put the phone on silent and went to sleep. But why can’t I still wake up in the morning?

I spoke with my old “friend” Mac today. That boy really gets my mind thinking sometimes. I may have spoken about him previously. We dated for a year back in college, the boy changed my life, and not necessarily for the best. It took me years to get over him, but I never let him go. We always remained friends. He called me the other day, which I feel prompted the sexual dream I had last night about him (hot!) . So I felt the need to talk to him today. He sounded like the old Mac today. He had me cracking up, and making me wanting to be there with him. Now, don’t get me wrong, I ain’t feeling him “that” way. But I think there will always be something there. He even said to me today, there is just something about you, something that is so sexual, that it always has this affect on him. Sounds like a line I know. But its line I hear pretty consistently. I’m pretty sure it’s why the FB always comes back. It’s all about the loving and giving it good. Not even necessarily sex, but loving. I care and it shows. Yea, yea I know shut up, but he made me happy, after the FB totally pissed me off this morning, Mac made me smile. He said something else too. He referred to me as that sweet girl he treated so very badly back in the day, but one day will make some man very, very happy. Yea, I hear this one a lot also. So where the hell is he?? His response: Well you aren’t going to find him in a bar, and he won’t be a druggie. LOL.. wow, that is some smart thinking! I’m not looking for him in the bar, but hell a girl can network can’t she?

Oh well, 20 more minutes, and Target here I come. I’m hoping to find a new top, I’m always hoping to find a new top, but never do! Tomorrow night is a big get together, and I must look hot! Pictures to be shown on Monday!Have a great weekend!

What was my Aunt thinking?

I don’t know what she was thinking honestly!! So I went on the date. Before going I stopped at my Dad’s to drop my laundry off in his machine. He kept telling me how beautiful I looked. I told him I didn’t need encouragement, I was fine. I felt no matter what I’d be fine on my date because I’m a conversationalist. WELL! I arrived first, had a beer, then he showed up. I was like uh, uh…LOL. He was visibly older than me, and not attractive. Hey I told you I was shallow didn’t I? I did my best, we had dinner, I got a nice little buzz, talked his ear off. Dinner was delicious, I had filet, snow peas, and mashed sweet potatoes. Oh my, it was good! So my date: he’s 38 with 4 kids!! 4!!! The oldest being 15. I’m not an age snob by any means, but we are just definitely not a fit. At this point I think it’s going to be hard to find a “fit” after the EX, and this new crazy lifestyle I have. I keep thinking in the back of my mind that once I find that one person, this lifestyle of mine will happily fade away. I will chose happiness over craziness. I mean that’s what happened with The Ex, I thought he was total dork at first, but gave him a shot. He didn’t really fit into my lifestyle. But that all changed. I changed first then he changed and we melded together perfectly. Well I guess not perfectly, but for a time it was good!

So my date ended at 9:00, I was feeling buzzed, and that’s when I usually get into trouble. I headed over to the brewery’s other location, which is my normal hangout. I hadn’t been there in a few weeks, and I knew it was poker night so people would be there. And they were! I got a free 22oz of my favorite beer, started making calls hooked up with the FB, and whew the night just kept going. I brought 3 boys home. Not like that now..LOL… It was just the FB, another friend (from previous entry, had my thong on) and the bartender. Well we were playing cards and drinking beer all night long!! And yes I went to work. And yes it SUCKED BALLS.. And yes I was wrong, and mentally beat myself up about it. I’m letting him fuck me up again. Letting him drag me down, and I have to stop. No week night partying. But we did have fun, and I’m back to normal!

Working in our Ewing NJ office today, so that means I’ll get home a little earlier today. I told the FB last night that I wanted to be alone this evening. Nothing personal. But Christ as nice as he has been, I am being used, no matter how you look at it. I go to work, come home have to clean up after him and Cameron, cook dinner, as he sits there all day. It becomes aggravating. Enabling me to party is not rent money or food money, I could do with out the partying, I do not ask for it. If its there, its there. So he has no right to throw that in my face. Get off my couch and get a real job. I love him, but I want more from him, much more. Christ why do I keep myself in these situations.

I’m excited about the weekend coming up. I want to stay in tomorrow. But on Saturday, there is a big get together at another Brewery. Hmmm I love beer! (**Bet there are some good Belgium beers in the Netherlands**)This should be fun!! The boys will be out in full force!! As will I!!

Got to get to work!

Tata