See I told you I was alive!

I don’t even know where to start. I’ve been so negligent lately. Nothing TOO exciting has been happening, just a little busy, and not feeling like sitting down and typing.

First off, Arianne is in Alaska officially now. She left Thanksgiving morning. She is also now married!! Aerin, can you believe it? It still hasn’t completely sunk in that she is “gone”. In my mind I keep thinking she is just on vacation. I went to hang out with her one last time the night before Thanksgiving. Michelle and Brian came over too. We had fun; I was just trying not to be sad. I left at like 2:00am, and headed home. The roads were yucky, due to some flurries we were having. Thankfully no check points or police; although I was very responsible and had very little to drink. I just didn’t want to have to deal with it. Ya know?

When I arrived home the FB was there, as expected. He had been there since Tues evening. Yes, I know, I know. He is not the one for me, why do I keep taking him back? I seriously don’t know. I love dysfunction, is my only excuse. He came over last Tues and we spent the whole night up talking, which is one thing we do really well, most of the time. He sucks me in, and knows what to say. He knows what I expect and want out of a relationship; he can’t offer me those things. He knows that also. I will and am continuing to date other people. I refuse to tie myself down to someone I can not rely on, or trust for that fact. He’s got a lot to make up for, a lot to prove. Actions speak much louder than words. And I’ve told him all this. I want him to get his shit together. And I want to help him, but he also has to help himself. He can’t try and drag me down with him. I got pretty bad over the summer, but I’ve risen above it, and feel so much better now. So far it’s only been a week, and things have been well, but I know it’s only a matter of time.

So the TLM’s b-day was this past weekend. My baby is 4yrs old. Man time is flying. He has been so damn cute too lately. We were snuggling on the couch last night, and I was like; what am I going to do when you are too big to snuggle with me? He goes mom, I’ll always be able to snuggle with you my feet will just stick out of the blanket. LOL… crack me up, where does he come up with this stuff? The b-day party went well, the EX and his Girlfriend did come over, and TLM was very happy with that. His girlfriend is sitting in the gold chair. My family tore her up at after they left, but I was nice. I mean come on, I’m funny looking too! My Aunt’s went and purchased some wine at the beginning of the party. Which was a surprise; I’m not use to get liquored up with my side of the family. It sure was fun! I was completely depressed once everyone left. Here I had all these people there, laughing, TLM having fun, and then BAM- everyone was gone! The FB did not come to his party, it was small let down, but not a surprise. He did show up the next morning, on TLM actual b-day, and took him outside to play baseball, and climb trees. After that the three of us went for a walk and played at the park. It was a very enjoyable afternoon. Completely expected, which made it all the better.

I’m totally over this job hunt is on in full force. I’m just not comfortable here, with these people. I’m sure I’ve made my own bed, so I have to lie in it. But I just want to move on. I ready for some big changes!!!

Ok so last week my yahoo horoscope stated this: You've never been fond of blind dates. Well, after one too many interesting experiences, to say you're less than fond of them wouldn't quite cover your sentiments. But for some darned reason, a friend or family member is insisting that there's someone you've just got to meet. Hey, who knows? They could be right this time. Just don't sign up for dinner. Suggest coffee or drinks, and duck out early if you need to.
Well on that day, My Aunt e mails me asking is I’m dating anyone. My response, well Pat is still in the picture, but that’s so off and on, why? She asked if she could give my number to my Uncle’s co-worker! So now I’m going on a blind date this evening with him. How crazy is that!!! I’m heading to my favorite brewery, but a different location. Probably wouldn’t be wise to show up at my local hang out, especially on poker night when ALL the boys will be there. I’m pretty nervous, but also excited about tonight. I’ve only been on one other blind date, but I had at least seen a picture of that guy. This date is completely blind. I think that’s what terrifies me the most. Call me shallow, but hell he’s gotta be cute. I know I will have no problem carrying a conversation regardless. Talking is my thing people!! So think of me this evening! I’m stopping at my Dad’s to drop off some laundry while on my date…LOL…. I’m going to try and borrow some money too, only to have on me while I’m out. Just incase I have to pay for my dinner, ya never know. It’s never happened, but there is bound to be a first time.

I just hung up with my car insurance carrier, and I am SCREWED. Ugh! I have a payment due as of now, plus a renewal fee due the 1st! What the??? I can’t do it, simple as that. I have rent due on the first! Ya know I’ve been laying low, the few times that I have been out I’ve spent zilch zero… but I can’t dig myself out of this debt. I seriously don’t know what to do about x-mas. TLM is the only one getting anything. Again, I;ve made my bed, now I must lay in it!
That’s it for now I guess... WAIT!
Aerin Kim, you fired Korean girl!! What the heck is going on over there! Have you found a new jobby job yet? And update on the skater boy please... and picture!! Is he Korean? Or white boy?

I am alive!

And doing rather well thank you! I've been pretty busy, will try and post this evening.
Got a blind date tomorrow, exciting, scary, nervous!

a near perfect saturday evening.

Ahh, now this is what I call maxin and relaxin, or chillin like a villian. It's Saturday night 8:30ish, Im stretched out on the couch, lap top on my lap, and the heat cranked up. Lights out with about 14 tealights lit, and I'm catching up on all the shows I have on my DVR. Oh and I have nice large glass of wine..I'm almost in heaven. When I stated near perfect I was thinking that a man would make the night complete. But once I started typing I realized that I am perfectly happy alone..wow did I just say that?

Today was a good day. I'm tired, but I have last nights festivities to thank for that. I got out of bed around noon, and decided I wanted to go to the movies. Tried calling the G-Mom, but she had already seen the movie I wanted to see, so I then called the step-mom. My "step-mom" Tracie wasn't available. So I went to the movies by myself. Doesn't bother me! I've done this before, and I can't remember the last time I've seen a movie in a movie theatre. Ok ok you want to know what I saw!! I went to see Walk the Line. Excellent movie, completely enjoyable. I fucking love Joaquin Phoenix always have. There is something in him that seems so wounded, or dark. It's probably my imagination, because there hasn't been time that I've watched him and not thought of his brother River. Weird I guess. I also can't help but think about how rough he could be in bed. eek!! stop drinking karen!LOL Back to the movie. I've never been a fan of county music or Johnny for that fact but I love a good movie and this definately fit the bill. Shit I'm half tempted to buy the soundtrack. After the movie I went to visit my Grandmom, then over to my Dad's, to visit Tracie. On my way hoe I picked up a cheesteak and some wine, and here I am.

I want to go into my night last night but I'm missing my show so I'll post on that later. But it was a FUN night, and I didnt get home till 5 this morning!

tata!

I hate trying to come up with titles.

1.5 hrs left. Big city here I come. Whoot! Whoot! Heading down to hang out with Arianne, we are meeting up with another friend, named Michelle. But first I'm getting my hair did! Cutting it off, ok just 3 inches or so, but it needs it. It is soooo dry, and long. And these bangs that aren't even bangs anymore, need to be chopped! So Arianne is cutting it for me. Whatever am I to do when she moves, pay for a haircut! ugh! We are suppose to head over to this bar/restaurant called Chickie and Pete's, it's a South Philly place, very popular with the Eagles and Flyers fans. I've neer been there myself, but it should be fun. Heck when isn't it fun going out? Oh wait the morning is never really fun.

I'm hoping to stop by this little store to pick up a new shirt to throw on, if not I am going to look boring! And Arianne and Michelle have always been more stylish, so I don't want to look like the wilting flower, not getting the boy attention!

So today was payday. I paid all bills, picked up TLM's B-day gifts, and threw some money into my savings for the party, groceries, and gas. I have some spare $$ left over. I only plan on spending $40.00 tonight MAX! My goal is to not borrow money from any family member before next payday. And I plan on sticking to it. Not hanging with the FB helps this situation out immensly. He's such a bad influence. I'm so sick of this merry-go-round with him. We have a text message fight, don't talk for a few days, call eachother when we are fucked up. Get it on like bunnies, then start the cycle over again. But each time I get more and more removed from it. Heck I dont even think Im going go see the band Weds. night. I just don't need the drama. He will probably try and fuck with me just to hurt me. He is so good at that, fucks with me mentally. I'm so over it. I feel that it's kind of apparent, I don't write too much about him. It's all just so repetitious. He is just so sad, meaning his life and lack of it.

I'm super excited about TLM's b-day coming up. The Ex did inform me that He and his Family won't be joining us. He doesn't feel I can be mature enough to handle it. Which is honest to goodness bullshit. For Cam I would put everything aside. The Ex just doesn't understand how hurt I was that he didn't take my feelings into consideration at all. He just expected me to be completely fine about it. Um hello, he wanted to have sex with 3 months ago. But he's not messing with my head, oh no not at all. Well I had my break down, and plan on rising above it, and moving on. I know, I know it's about time.

I'm taking my camera tonight, so hopefully I'll be a better photographer, than I was last week. I'm also taking my lap top home, so maybe when I roll home in the wee hours of the morning I can make a very interesting post..lol

Have a great weekend!

ths past weekend

Yea, I know I never said anything about my weekend. It was nothing outragous. I mean yea, I didn't leave the city till 6:30 am, and yea, I did pick up the FB once I got into town. Shame on me, but I was horny damn it! Saturday night I went to the city for Arianne's going away get together. We went to this restaurant called Azure. A good time was had by all. We actually left the bar by midnight. That's early for us! 3 of went back to where she was staying and hung out there the rest of the evening. Come to think of it where did the time go? FB was calling by 3:30 wondering where I was at and when am I coming home. By that time I was wanting to see him too. Even though it was against my better judgement. So finally I left at 6:30, it was freezing outside. I flew home, it only took me 35 mins. I think that is record timing. I threw in LL's greatest hits CD blasted it, and enjoyed the morning sunlight. I love driving in the very early morning. In fact whenever I party in the city, I wait till the sun comes up, and then I'm out. Arianne is used to this in fact most people are use to this. I much prefer to go home and crash in my own bed.

So really nothing earth shattering to report. it's been a low key week, and I'm enojoying it. I finally have my home phone working. Here I thought it was disconnected for 3 months when it was really a phone company issue!! Unbelievable!! But at least I can take my lap top home now at night and actually go on line then! yippee!
Well here is few pics from Saturday. For once I don't have that drugged up glassy look to my eyes, yea me! LOL

This is Arianne and her Mom, would of been a great pic if I got her Mom wth her eyes open!

My Goals

Right now are as follows:
1) New Job- sent resume to 2 places this morning.
2) PT Job- picking up application this evening a sports bar/grill.
3) Moving to next town over, by spring/summer!
4) Stay out of trouble stay on point!! (most important)

Back to my positive thinking! I had wanted to move by summer anyway, the Ex just kind of lit a fire under my ass. I wanted to be in the next town over, by the time TLM was in school, because it’s a better school district, and my true home town.

He's moving down the street!

Yes, that would be my beloved Ex, aka my baby’s daddy. And how do I feel about this? I’ll give you one guess. Give up?- I feel absolutely fucking horrible about it. Let’s add irrational, over emotional, selfish, and immature. Yea that about sums it up.

So let me back up a little. The Ex calls me last week saying he and the girl are going to look at a place and I’ll never guess where it is. Oh I guessed alright. Apparently his girl drove by this place and saw a for rent sign, and called. This place is less than 2 blocks away from my house! Yes, this is great for TLM, really great, very convenient, but it’s tearing me up. It’s like taking the knife that is already sticking out of my heart and twisting it continuously. I know, I know GET OVER IT, MOVE ON, and EXCEPT IT. Damn I want to, I truly do; but it just isn’t that easy. I reckon I won’t be over it, until I find that special someone. Until then I dwell on what I had and now what “she” has. I can’t believe they would want to live that close to me. He says: why not she doesn’t have a problem with me. I feel I’m probably over reacting but Christ, I can’t stop the hurting, and I just feel that he is so inconsiderate to even move that close to me and think it wouldn’t bother me. I think it’s time for me to find a new apt.
oh and now he just calls and tells me he can't take the cat.

another day another dollar.

Yippee it’s my favorite time of the week again. 30 mins. till quitin time and it’s the weekend! This week has been pretty good, I feel like I’m in a good place mentally. I haven’t been beating myself up, instead I’ve been thinking pretty positively. I don’t know why this week it is happening, but I’m running with it!

Nothing too exciting has been happening. Wednesday night I drank a little too much, but I was in bed by 9:15 passed out by 9:30. And I MISSED LOST. Damn drunk! All I had to do was hit record on the DVR but noooo I was feeling very belligerent at that point, cussing at the FB via his VM..lol.. I woke with a slight hangover the next morning, but nothing major. That’s about all that happened this week. I spent a very relaxing evening at home by myself last night. I look forward to do that this evening also, but the added bonus for this evening will be that I have my little man!

Now tomorrow night this girl will be out on the prowl. Going to the city for my girl Arianne’s going away dinner party. This will be a very interesting evening indeed. I will try and not think about the fact that she is leaving me, and instead celebrate her happiness. I’m going alone, at first I didn’t want this, but upon further thought it is in my best interest to be single girl for the party. Bartender guy from the brewery and another friend are going to the Flyers game so they will be in the city also. I’m hoping to meet up with them after the game. TLM will be at my bro’s for the evening and attending church with the family.

Tata… pictures to arrive Monday!

happy times

What a great weekend. Once again, I’ve surprised myself. I really had no plan for Friday night except to go to the brewery for happy hour. I left work at 4:30 Friday, headed straight the bar and didn’t get home until 7:00am the next morning. Hot damn, did I have fun! I behaved myself, for the most part. There was no hooking up, just lots of conversation. After leaving the brewery I headed over to the newer brewery in town, the place was hopping. They were playing some great music, and I ran into some people I hadn’t seen in sometime. And hung out with a whole new group of boys, well they were really men but I refer to all men as boys. I don’t know what it was with Friday, but I seriously had so many people complimenting me.. I could have had my pick of numerous boys, but I just ate up the attention. After leaving the brewery a friend I headed down to the Pub, because I had to play some air hockey! I made a new friend while there, a girl, well a woman actually. We talked a lot about our current men situations. We had a lot in common, and laughed our asses off. The Pub closed at 2:00 we left there at like 2:30, and then headed to this after hours bar across town. It a members only bar, that is somewhat of a legendary place in our area. I’ve never been here before, but it’s a bar I’ve heard about as far back as I can remember.

Oh I forgot and important factoid! Who did I run into at the Pub and then commence to leave with to the after hours place? Well it wasn’t my #1 crush, but it was his brother. Wound up talking and hanging out with him till the wee hours of the morning. Completely on the up and up, he has a fiancé at home. You know I was tying to get the info on his little bro. And I’m thinking I might actually have a shot with #1 Crush. I just have to run into him again, and I’m going for it damn it, because I am a confident outgoing girl. Ok maybe I’m just crazy. Important fact #2, I was supposed to pick the FB up at 2:00 after the bar closed, and I didn’t …tee hee… I was having fun on my own; more on him later. So we left the after hours bar at like 3:30, then we went and just hung out a friend’s place. .

It was weird, this one young boy asked me my last name, and when I told him he asked if I was related to so and so. He was talking about my little brother. This has never happened to me. I’m always known as my older brother’s sister. Not as the big sister. Then this boy commenced to tell me about the goings on in my little bro’s life. It was all quite surreal. See I don’t really have a relationship with my little bro. maybe one day I’ll go into that, but it felt good to hear about him; also made a little sad. I really should step up, and be the adult, and try and forge a real relationship with him.

So I got home at like 7am finally. I walk into my house and low and behold who is sitting on the couch waiting for me? Yep the FB, and he wasn’t happy, and I didn’t care. I gave him a ride home because he was so super pissed off. He’s currently not speaking to me, and I currently don’t care..lol. I slept from 9am till 5pm Saturday. And from what I hear it was damn beautiful day out, I mean really nice!

Saturday night my best friend Arianne came up to visit. This is unusual because she doesn’t have a car anymore. But this Sat. she had her Uncle’s sweet ass Jaguar. We went to the brewery for one beer and some food and hung out at my place till 2:00 am and just talked. It was fun; we haven’t done that in some time. She is leaving me on the 24th to move to Alaska. I’m going to be so sad. Her going away dinner party is this Saturday in the city and I need a date pronto. Not sure what to do at this point. But I am not going alone. Ugh.
Sunday I picked up TLM at lunch time. I swear that kid gets cuter by the day. He was so good all day long. After his nap we raked up some leaves and he loved jumping in them. When I told we were going to rake the leaves, he wraps his arms around my neck, and goes “you’re the best mommy in the wholllle world. Ahh if things were always this easy. We had fun though. Andy, Angi, and their son Evan came up for dinner, and I must say it was pretty kick ass. But can one really go wrong with a roast that was cooked in the crock pot? My mashed potatoes are the kicker, they are simply delicious.

*sigh* it was a good weekend!

TGIF!

And for my viewing pleaseure- yummy-
He looks so good, as does her backside!
Thanks just jared for the pic....




Ahh Im out of here in 1 hr bitches! Thats right Im leaving at 4:30- hell I've been such a good girl at work I deserve it. And where am I going, well duh! Going to the brewery of course. Im going to beat Angi there. I wasn't suppose to arrive till around 6:30 but I don't want to go home, because the FB may be there, and I want to travel solo. Ang will be there at 5:00, so I'll surprise with my early arrival. I'm hoping the place is jumpin considering it's friday and all. I had a dream with my #1 crush in it last night, that is my real reason for racing there directly after work... Im corny I know...lol. And yes my son is at his Dad's, I know your all thinking damn where is her kid! Must do a ton of filing and Im outa here! Have a great weekend, yipee!! Bye!

untitled

I am so happy tomorrow is Friday! How about you?
It's my "free" weekend. and normally my weekend that I have $$, but not this week! My paycheck is spent, all my money is going towards rent, car insurance, and Angi. I'm taking 20$ for myself and stopping in for Happy Hour at the brewery, and that will most likely be the extent of my weekend. I was thinking of trying to find someone to go to the movies with, but Im not sure yet. FB has no money, because he is a LOSER, and has done nothing all week, so I don't plan on spending the weekend with him!
This has been a very productive week at work. I've actually almost been enjoying myself. Tomorrow will make it 3 weeks with no call outs- wow thats saying alot for me! Shameful I know....at this point Im looking forward to Thanksgiving. We'll get out early on Weds, and off Thurs and Fri. TLM's birthday party is that weekend also.
This past Tues. the FB and I went over to see the Ex's sister, her boyfriend, and their cousin. It was good to hang out. We got "smoked up" and drank some Rum and Cokes. The FB played video games, and I talked with the Sister. It was fun, I left feeling very happy. We didn't get home till around 12:30 ish, then commenced to get. it. on. a whooping 3x, hell I was ready for the 4th but had to get to sleep, and wasn't sure if my body could really handle it. Hell my body is still little achy in areas.
30 mins till quitin time. I'm hungry for some pierogies with chedder cheese tonight..hmm hmm good!

The gang is all together again!

The weekend was good. Pretty low key, plenty of rest, no all night partying! Saturday was the party I had been looking forward to. It was a good time. Nothing spectacular. It was nice being around different people and they were all pretty chill. It was a tad bit cold, but thankfully there was a raging fire, that was so warm I actually took off my coat. The band played, again, nothing really memorable happened. I did have a great time with The Fb. I know I'm fucked up. But damn he behaved himself so well. It was nice hanging out with him and have him only drinking alcohol. He makes me laugh. My Aunt and Unlce actually showed up at the party too! Funny hanging with family and partying. We left by 12:30ish, and went home and passed out. Of course I forgot about the tie chagne, when I initially awoke on Sunday, so I was pleased to realize that is was only 9:30 and I was up and about. What a great feeling!
On Friday, Angi, Arianne, TLM, and I went to the mall as planned. BIG MISTAKE! The evening didn't start off as planned. Arianne got on the wrong train. I went to pick up Angi and she wasn't home. Luckily she showed up beforeI l left, we then drove back to the train station to pick up Arianne, then headed to the mall. I don't know what the hell I was thinking, taking Cam to the mall. He was like the child from HELL. He was that bratty 3yr old you see when your out, and you think god that kids needs some discipline. Nothing really works on my kid. I can threaten about his b-day, Santa Clause, no bedtime snack; It all goes in one ear and out the other. I was seriously so stressed out by him, I was ready to cry...lol. Arianne, is not the best person to go shopping with, and I had forgotten this. I felt bad, because I was honored to be part of her picking out what she was wearing for her wedding. I couldn't really help out at all. She understood though. I'm glad Angi was there for her at least.
So that is basically it, nothing major, very laid back. On Sunday Cam took a 4 hr nap.. 4 HOURS!! I couldn't believe it. Normally I nap when he does, but on Sunday, I watched all the shows I had programmed on my DVR.. ahhh sheer bliss!

Trick or Treat!

I'm a little behind schedule here. No update yet on the weekend, that will probably come later. I'm going to update out of order, starting with Halloween.
Halloween was pretty good. TLM had a blast. Dinner time didn't go too well, but it usually doesn't; so that isn't anything new. We were on the run till about 9:00 pm. He loved going from door to door saying trick or treat, then Happy Halloween. I enjoyed to experience immensly. This was my first year taking him trick or treating. Last year I was working PT at Kohl's, so The Ex took him. we had a party at work, for the employee's kids. We left here with a large paper gift bag full of candy. We then went to Great Grandmoms, and she walked one block with us, before we headed over to my Dad's house. Then after that we hit up the Ex's parent's house. The Ex and his girlfriend met us there.
It doesn't matter how much I prepare myself, It is still very hard for me to deal with. The Ex's sister is here visiting from MI, it was good to see her. I let the Ex and his girl take the TLM around the development without me. The ex thought "we" all could go, but I said that, that was alright, I got to take him out with my Grandmom, I can sit this part out. It was hard, I was very mature about it all. Inside I was dying. My eyes teared up as the three of them walked to the door. The Ex's step mom saw me, and whipped out the bottle of wine. I sat and chatted with them while The Ex and TLM and the girl went trick or treating for like a 1/2 hour. I know I have to get "past" it, to get"over " it. Sometimes I feel great about it all. But damn seeing him is not easy. Seeing him look at her when he is talking is not easy. Looking at his man hands is especially not easy, his butt, his thighs, the little bit of skin that was peeking out around his waist when he laid back on the couch. None of this was easy. Remembering what it was like to be held in his arms, and to feel his love for me, it's all so depressing. I cried on the way home. I know I shouldn't in front of the little man. I cried in my bed, a good cry. It feels good to let it out sometimes. To hear yourself cry. It may not solve anything, but it sure does help me get to sleep. I want to talk to him today, but I won't. I have to stop talking to him, he's got to know that I'm not there for him whenever he wants. It's just so hard, I love him and miss him so much, but he doesn't appreciate me. No man currently in my life appreciates me,well except the TLM.
christ, I sound pathertic, but this is the way Im feeling right now. oh, and can they stop talking about my cat in front of me like that. So fucking heartless I tell ya!