100th post ya'll!!

And what do you get? nothing, nada, zip. again if your hot email me we'll go out. lol... ok what ever!

I really need to start jotting some notes down at night when I’m at home; because I’m always like wow I should write about this, but you know the next day I can’t remember shit! Smoking the bud don’t help..lol

I do remember some shit from last night. Like: Have you ever been broken up with, and you just don’t understand why. How did this happen? How can you be in a relationship and think that everything is good, then all of the sudden the other person rips the rug out from beneath you. How can they just shut it off like a switch? Well they don’t shut it off like a switch. Chances are they have been mulling this over for a long time. Sometimes they’ll break it off with you, to then turn around and give it another shot. And here you are so happy thinking it’s going to work. Well most cases its not! They only want you back because they are lonely, yes they miss you, the thought of you, the comfort ness of being with you. But once they make the call and your back together, they are silently thinking: fuck, why did I do that? Hello welcome to my world. LOL… Well I’m making progress people. At least I don’t have him over for the partying. I like the though of him, and for the most I miss him when he’s not around. But then again for the most part once he is around, I could do with out him….god I am so fucked up. I don’t know if I’m making sense to anyone, but it makes sense to me.

I found an apt. I’m just waiting to hear back if I got it or not. I’m thinking not, due to my horrible credit. But a girl can hope! I submitted my taxes today. 2 more weeks and I will be practically debt free. I can catch up on all my bills, put a down payment on an apt. and get one of my dents in my car fixed. I can not wait; I can’t tell you how excited this makes me. I want to start from scratch and do better this time. The apt. is in the next town over, about 10 mins from where I am at now. I thinking living in the next town will help with me meeting other people, and moving past the FB further than I have. Since he does not drive he will not be able to show up at my house. Unlike now where he just walks over whenever he wants. Now don’t get me wrong. Things have been going well with him. He’s been behaving. We haven’t been spending every single day together, I do my thing he does his. He is actually working which makes me happy, but will make me happier if he keeps it up.

We actually went out Friday night. It felt so good to be out, I was sparkling!! It was good to be out with him too; don’t get me wrong I still strutted my stuff and talked to boys. All in all it was a good night, I was pleased.

TLM was sick AGAIN last week, I had to stay home with him on Friday, he was running a fever, coughing, runny nose. You know the drill. We snuggled all day. Friday night he stayed with “the girlfriend” I picked him up Saturday afternoon. His Father comes home on Thursday, yippee I can’t wait. TLM is going to his house Thurs, and Fri, then back on Sunday. TLM is very excited to see his Daddy, and I am excited for him. And I’m excited to get freaky and not have to be paranoid about TLM walking in on us. Damn, being a parent sometimes, I tell ya! See the problem with my current apt. is that you walk through my room to get to his room. I look forward to having the option of shutting my door for a little nookie nookie.

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Feeling Silly.

Happy Hump Day! I plan on getting my hump on, how about you? Feeling much more with it today. A full nights sleep does that. I getting all sexual in my emails with the Ex today its quite fun... although disappointing that I'm not getting him; I guess the FB will do. haha

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I'm not quite sure why I'm feeling all giddy. I'm leaving work a half hour early to go to the hospital, cause my sister has a baby today. I don't know what it is yet, details will follow tomorrow. I'm just excited to get to go hold a baby. I've been missing TLM being a baby lately so I need my fix. After the hospital I have to head to my Aunts for cake and ice cream; its my cousins 13th birthday. Hopefully I'll be home by 7:30, TLM in bed by 8;30, and me getting it good by 9:30. My body is still achy from Monday night. My things, upper arm, and lower back are sore and Im sure Im all bruised "inside" too. But bring it on hurt me, hurt me!!

The Ex 's girlfriend is taking TLM overnight on Friday so hopefully I will get to go out this weekend. Friday evening I'm going to look at an apt. so say a little prayer for me. I just need my 1099's so I can get my $$$.
Ahh I'm kind of all over the place in this entry so I'll end it now!!
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Ok, I stole this off my friend Effin Nobody, Figured it was easy enough... Feel free to steal it from me, if you do let me know I'd like to read yours.

4 jobs you have had: Cashier at CVS on South St.in Philly; Staffing Coord for a MH staffing agency; Billing clerk; Cashier @ party supply store cashier..hmm nothing to interesting. CVS was the most fun.

4 movies you could watch over and over: I don't typically watch movies over and over again, but if I had to chose, my first movie purchased was Garden State love love love it... also bought eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. How about Terms of Endearment, tear jerker! hmm one more damn I can't think of another... skip!


4 places you have lived: I've moved alot! mostly between a few different towns in the same area, but I did live in Mesa, AZ for 2 yrs. Richmond VA for a summer hiding out. Center City Philly after high school for a few years.

4 TV shows you love to watch:Grey Anatomy, Project Runway, Survivor, Big Brother the list could go on and on!

4 Favorite Books: I love reading, but only trashy novels. First Favorite books was by Sidney Sheldon, Master of the Game, 2nd hollywood Wives Jackie Collins... anything by Jackie, Sidney, Judith Krantz

4 places you have been on vacation: Hawaii, Germany, Outerbanks N.C., Arizona prior to moving there.

4 websites you visit daily:DOOCE is a must read!, Pink is the new blog, Whats up Chuck, Page Six... Geeze I have like 70 bookmarks a day!

4 favorite foods:Anything involving Pasta, Mexican, Filet Mignon

4 places you would rather be right now: Home in bed, on beach sunning, in front of a cozy fire with someone I truly love, a cruise!

Hope I didn't put anyone to sleep!

*Warning, some sex talk

My body aches, so very bad. Uhg! So um, um yea, I had the most amazing sex last night. Bed slamming the wall, hair being pulled; his eyes tearing up as he looking at me thanking me for letting him be there, fucking me, loving me. Telling me over and over how good I am. *sigh* And I don’t regret it today. I may regret it in few days, but I’ll try and think positively. I’m weak, I know. He came over last night, and the cycle continues. Can the cycle be broken I don’t know. I don’t know what to think or feel. At one point I’m thinking, I don’t like him the way he likes me. But how does he like me? Because I’m thinking he wants to stick close because of he wants to befriend the Ex, for the “music connections”. I know that the Ex wants nothing to do with the FB, actually he wants me to rid of him completely. I can’t make the FB realize this. In his mind, he thinks that the Ex will like him; nope it ain’t going to happen. And yes, it’s my fault. I’ve told the Ex too many negative things. I told the FB the only way to smooth things over with the Ex is to get his life on track and prove to everyone that he worthy; worthy of me and TLM. Because at this point in time he is not.

I don’t know, I’m fucked up, and power trippin. I’ll write more tomorrow; let me absorb everything and get a good nights sleep.

Once an Asshole always an Asshole. Thanks

My weekend? Well it was good, earlier I actually said it was fantabulous!! I didn’t do much of anything. I couldn’t fight the stomach bug Friday. I held it off till 6:30; I then took hold of the toilet bowl and let it out. Afterwards I was all excited, and feeling good, hey I may be able to get out of this house after all. 10 mins later, I was so damn cold I couldn’t get out of my bed to crank the heat up and change into my comfy clothes. But I managed. I lit some candles, made some hot tea, took 2 tylenol pm’s and smoked some bud. By 9:30 I was in la la land. I figured glaucoma patients smoke bud to relieve nausea then it would work for me. And it did! Damn if I didn’t take the sleeping pills I would have been able to get out of the house. Just as well though, I probably would have infected the whole bar. Angi and Andy didn’t go out. The FB tried calling me and texting me through out the night until 7:30 am when I finally shut my phone off. I know I know, I should have shut it off way earlier, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

I had taken TLM to my Gram’s house anyway, which I was very grateful for since I was sick. It would have been fucking horrible trying to make dinner and care for my 4 yr old feeling the way I did, even though it passed pretty quickly. I awoke relatively early Saturday picked him up then came home and relaxed till after nap time. We then went to the movies to see Hoodwinked. I can’t explain how absolutely pleased with myself I was, what with actually taking my son to a movie spending quality time outside of our living room together. Wow, this is what being a parent is!! Of course I’m exaggerating! But I did feel good, and it was beautiful outside. We visited A&A briefly Saturday night. And that was it. Sunday we didn’t do anything, oh wait; Saturday evening I actually cleaned. Cleaned!!! My bathroom and kitchen; they weren’t that bad, but it is a great feeling to have a sparkling clean toilet, counter tops, and sinks. On Sunday we went to my Dad’s for dinner.

Emotionally Sunday was not easy. I did a little crying, and writing in my journal at home. I think Sunday’s are the hardest, because Sunday’s are family days. I don’t miss him but I miss him. Fucked up I know. Well he just reconfirmed for me that he’s an asshole which is what I wanted him to do. Which is why I text him earlier, I asked him to be mean so I would remember why he is such an asshole, and he was quick to reply and show his true colors once again. *sigh* I feel better now.

30 more mins until I’m out of here. Spoke to the Ex today. It’s confirmed I’m taking Cam to see him play at the Tweeter Center; when the tour comes there in March. I’m pretty excited. The girlfriend will be there too, the ex is like yea we can all hang out together, oh um yippee! But seriously it’s cool, I was afraid he was going to ask me to allow her to bring the little man, and leave me out. And heck TLM isn’t going to his first big show with out his Momma!! So the Ex comes home for the month of February, then goes back out for March and April. Icarumba!

My landlord sent me a certified letter the other day. The woman lives two doors away from me. My heart was pounding; I was thinking it was an eviction notice. But it wasn’t, she is raising my rent by $100.00. holy shit! So the apt hunt is on. If I’m going to pay 750.00 in rent, then I want some closets, storage, privacy (landlord not living next door) and possibly w/d facilities. I’m setting up an appt. for a place $740.00 that has all of the above! I’m hoping I can pull this off. Funny how I was just saying that I was itching to move, and now this. The rent doesn’t increase until March 1st.. The roller coaster just never ends.

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Belly Pains

Ohhh, Ohhhh my belly has been hurting me all day; I don’t want to get sick. I want to go out tonight whaaaa!! I am going out tonight; I don’t care if I’m puking in the bushes! I just ate some Pepto pills that our first aid kit here at work had. (Thank you work!) I’m just hoping that this will do the trick. I will be seriously bummed. Arianne and John are supposed to come up and join the 3 of us. Isn’t this just great, me with my two married friends and their husbands. Talk about a 5th wheel! I have no idea what Im going to wear, because I’ve put on a few pounds. Just a few pounds, but noticeable in the love handle and belly area. Well I notice it! Man I hope I have good time, I feel I’m over due; and I’ve been a good girl for over a week now. (LOL)

So the FB has surfaced, kind of. He sent me a text at work. He is just unbelievable. Emails me hi, how is your day going.- What the fuck, you cuss me out and hang up on me a week ago and think that you can just be all hi how are you? Let’s not forget you left sitting home by myself when I actually was able to go out. Fuck off, you asshole. So I haven’t responded to him, even though he keeps sending me messages. I truly hope we do not run into him tonight. I wouldn’t be surprised to find him waiting for me at home when I return. He can be crazy like that.

I’m taking the little man to my Grandmom’s tonight. He’s probably going to freak, because he wanted to go to his Grandpa and Grandma’s but they weren’t available. Try explaining that to a 4yr old. He always has fun at Great Grandmom’s so I know he’ll get over it.

The ex called again last night, to check up on TLM. I swear he sounds disappointed when I quickly get off the phone. But it was midnight, and I was asleep. I asked if he was alright, he said yes. So I don’t know, maybe it all in my head. See I’ve noticed, that I miss the Ex more when I have no other male distractions (FB).

Hmm well I don’t have much to say, so have a great weekend!

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The One Where He Pukes...ewwww!

Half day at work today. TLM came down with a stomach bug last night, damn day care! It was funny one of the mothers at the day care yesterday said that Cam was next, and I was all, not uh, he isn't getting sick. He was being so onerey in the evening time. He didn't eat any of his dinner. We ran to Andy and Angi's for a quick visit. As I'm walking in Andy is about to leave, leave where? Of course! He's going to pick up the FB! christ I can't win. But actually it worked out well. The FB must not be interested in seeing me neither, because he stayed in the garage. While Im talking to Angi, Cam starts to complain his belly his hurting, and he's looking not right all of a sudden. We headed home got his jammies on, snuggled up on the couch with the puke bucket next to us. He was so damn sweet. Then the real sign he wasn't feeling better, was that he asked to go to bed. off to bed he went, and within 15 mins the puking began. oh what fun!
Getting sick sucks, it just makes you want to cry, and be held by someone. I was happy to make my boo boo feel better. He immdediately started crying for Daddy. See after we moved into our own apt. and Daddy was still "visiting" (oh you know making booty calls) Cam got sick one night, and Matt and I sprang into action, me throwing Cam in the tub, while Matt cleaned up the bedroom. It's a memory I don't think he'll ever forget. He speaks about once and while, and Matt said last night that he talks about it to him too. It makes me happy but also makes me sad. So when he first threw up he was crying" but I don't to throw up with out my daddy being here?, what a sweetie. Daddy wound up calling around 12:30 last night. Cam was happy to talk to him. This happened to be right after the third puking adventure of the evening. Tthe rest of the night was pretty quiet, I think we may have gotten up twice for water. I didn't have a sitter for him until Angi got home from her morning job, so I didn't get to work till around 12:30. Half day is better than no day right?

Wondering how tonight will pan out. I feel my will power disolving. You would think that since I can recognize this, thought I would call myself out on it, I would be able to do something to avoi itd. But we shall see. I only really have to make one more night, with calling him. Tomorrow hopefully I will be out with Andy and Angi, and I plan on flirting with some boys. It feels like it's been so long!! There is no mention of the FB being around tomorrow, but I plan on leaving if we run into him anywhere. I can't help but start to miss him, it fucking sucks.

I've really enjoyed this week at home, and at work. It's great going a full week of getting sleep every single night. I almost feel like my life is back to the way it was before the FB came along. I know it isn't, but it kind of feels that way. I'm hoping to be back on top of my finances very soon. Just about another month of struggling and Im back on top.

Not going to my Bro's tonight don't want to run the risk of getting everyone sick. Bummer cause I haven't seen them in awhile. I don't know that I like my Brother moving further away. I liked having him just across town.
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My mouth is always getting me in trouble, ALWAYS!!!

Hmm where to begin? Ok, I fucked up, royally. And again it’s my own fault, really. So my Mom has read my blog. Shocking? Not. I sent her the link to Four Four, with a comment from me on it. She casually asked if the comment was me, because it simply said Karen. My heart stopped, I didn’t know how to respond. Did she already know it was me, and was testing me? Or was she genuinely asking? Did she know that if you click on my name it would take her directly here? Well no, she didn’t know any if this, and instead I told her. Yea, see told ya my own fault. Now really this isn’t a big deal. My life, knor my problems aren’t a secret in my family. However, I do feel I have to curb what I write from now on. Because my family (myself included) just loves to throw things up in each others faces. We are viscous; heartless sometimes. The emails that have gone back and forth between my Mother and I have things written in them, that you could never imagine a mother and daughter saying to each other. So yea, this new development scares me. I’m going to wait it out a little. I may start a new one and just kill this one all together. I told her it would be in her best interest not read it; of course knowing nothing would stop her, hell nothing would have stopped me. But I can’t be judged or yelled for my personal feelings, thoughts. Hell I could really turn this into a weapon, but I won’t tee hee…I’m not feeling that evil. Instead I told her that I would rather not discuss anything on here, and that I am fully aware of what she is capable ofdoing, having this info. And that this is really a test, as to what she will do with it, if anything. I mean could this be the ultimate act of betrayal? So scandalous LOL…. Enough about all that, it’s done, and I can’t turn back now can I?

Another great night at home last night. TV was off by 9:30. I was trying to get TLM to do the funky chicken, it was quite a scene. I tickle tortured him, till he was screaming for me to stop. Spoke to both my parents on the phone, as well as my step mom, and filled her in on the whole Mom finding my blog thing. The step mom is my fill in counselor, I can talk to her about anything, and she just goes.. ahh, uh huh, hmmm…lol… it’s funny.
My cell rang write after I hung it up, the call was marked private; figuring it was my Grandmom I picked it up. Realizing it was the FB, I quickly hung it up. Probably not the most mature thing to do, but I just can’t talk to him. There is no will power once I talk to him, I’ll want to see him. He continued to keep calling, so I then turned off my phone. I had a shirt of his that I figured was his reasoning for calling, (um what about my taking back Sunday t-shirt!) So I hung his shirt on my back door. Low and behold it was gone this morning. Now I wonder when he came by. Because I swear I wake in the middle of the night sensing he is there. I swear I heard someone kick the sleds outside my window, but it could have been the wind. I lay in my bed for 3 hrs not being able to get back to sleep; because once the sleds were moved they continued to be blown around by the wind. It was scary, I was scared.

Emailed the Ex, I was looking at the merch for the band he’s currently playing in, and they had a semi cute band t-shirt, with a hot pink skull on it. So I emailed him to pick me one up. His reply- what size? I’m thinking…nice! Now all I need is 2 concert tickets so I can see Hawthorne Heights, and of course him play with From First to Last.

Heading home after work, suppose to pick up turkey from Mom’s; not sure if we are fighting or not. Dinner tomorrow at my Bros’, then Dinner at my Dad’s on Friday, and then hopefully going out with Andy and Angi Friday night. I will not be joining them if the FB is around. Pinky Promise.

Here's a quickie!

I had a wonderful time last night hanging with my little monster. I left work 7 mins early, and it seemed to impact the whole evening. I was home, dishes done, and meatloaf in the oven by 6:00pm. I thought that was pretty darn good. TLM asked if we could eat dinner in the kitchen/dining area, (instead of the living room) I agreed it was a good idea, and we had a nice dinner. I’m going to make a point in doing this more often. No TV for distraction, and I can get the dinner dishes done while he is still eating (because he is slow as molasses) and all the while converse with him. We snuggled on the couch, I read him a book, then tucked him in to bed. By 8:30 I was all alone, glass of wine, candles lit, golden globes on. Yea it was good night.

I did drink quite a few glasses of wine. I tried finding my journal to write down some thoughts I was having, but couldn’t find it. I had actually started to get really depressed. It was those damn acceptance speeches. Everyone thanking there loved ones, everyone so happy. Then I start thinking what if I never find another serious relationship, like I had with the Ex. I know I’m so dramatic. It’s just been so long. What if I’m just too funny looking, too chubby, too mean? What if I can never find someone to put up with me? Then it hit me, this is why I hate being “normal” and this is why I let the FB back in time and time again. Because even though I know he’s a piece of shit, and I don’t deserve to be treated this way; I want him there anyway because it fulfills some deeper need, or um fear? And being out and on drugs, makes me feel good, social, liked, and funny. See what having a semi-clear mind does to me, makes me think too much. Ifelt better this morning, Oh I know the wine had something to do with it. But if anything I feel the wine brings out my true feelings, maybe magnifies them a little.

Good news is my monthly friend is here! Yippee!! Don’t have to worry about what a kid would look like if these two produced a child…yikes…..
Anxious to get out of here today, would really like to go home and relax… Funny you know when you fall and hurt your self as a kid, maybe even as an adult, it doesn’t hurt sometimes until you look down in see blood. In my case at the sight of it, it makes me tired. You know what I mean ladies…LOL

I’ve had this itch to move lately. Growing up we always moved a lot. Never in one place very long at all. So that’s probably why I am feeling this way. I can’t afford to move, but darn I keep thinking moving out of this state would be good; a fresh start somewhere. If I could save some serious money up I could do it. But that is a huge IF, because saving money is just not a possibility for me. I’m horrible with my money (obviously).

This was actually written yesterday!

Ahh what a completely relaxing weekend, and in spite of what I wrote on Friday, it really did work out the way I wanted! Friday night, TLM and I went grocery shopping, picked him up some McDonald’s for TLM and a movie for myself. We had a nice evening at home. I watched Four Brothers, by candlelight, sipping wine, snuggled under my covers- alone.
The movie was ok, I wasn’t expecting greatness so I was let down. I caused a huge line in Blockbuster, because I didn’t have my card, and then forgot that my account is under the Ex’s name. So then had the account switched to my name, haha, the Ex is gonna be surprised when he goes to get a movie, it ever. LOL… not really a big deal it doesn’t cost anything, but it will be a hassle.

Speaking of the EX, I spoke with him for a good 15mins yesterday. He seems happier now that he’s been on the road with these guys for a couple of weeks now. He’s starting to feel more comfortable. Granted he still is the odd man out. I don’t know these guys at all, but from looking at them on the website they seem young. So I originally thought the Ex was only going to be away a month. Well he is coming back for the month of February, if all ends well he will be back on a tour in March. Get this, the next tour is with Fall Out Boy, All American Rejects, and Hawthorne Heights. Yikes!! That’s super cool, if you ask me! Hawthorne Heights is a favorite of mine. So good for him.

Saturday TLM went to stay overnight with The Ex’s girlfriend. Yes this was not easy, but points for me for letting it happen. Cam was excited to go to a birthday party with her the next day. I thought I was going to go out Saturday night but of course asshole let me down in that department, but truthfully I’m glad I stayed in. I did visit with Andy and Angi for a short time. Drank some wine and got to catch up with them. Then went home to bed. Sunday I spent the whole day on the couch cleaning out my DVR. I got off the couch briefly to run across town to Freda’s. She is local staple for penny candy, I needed a candy fix. Yea I waked and baked what of it? LOL… nice…Cam didn’t get home till 7:00, but we ran over to my Dad’s anyway. Stayed an hour and left.

So sorry nothing exciting to report. My life has been pretty dull lately. I was thinking back to when I started this blog and I was always going out and having fun. I feel like that never happens anymore. Normally this would really bring me down, but honestly I know I need to lay low, and get my life back on track; especially my finances. My phone will be shut off early every night this week, I do not want to talk to the asshole, who said Fuck off you bitch and hung up on me this weekend. Which by the way was completely uncalled for. But hey once an asshole always an asshole. One I get better I should really send him a thank you card, for making me see the light. Ha!

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No one's fault but my own

Thankfully it’s Friday once again. And it never fails, whenever I write that the week has been low key, or I haven’t seen the FB, the exact opposite happens that very evening. I would like to say that all I have planned for this weekend is relaxing and TV watching; But I’m afraid that won’t happen now that it is in writing. Wednesday night was a late night and completely unexpected, as usual. I went to my Aunt’s did my laundry while the FB watched the little man. I didn’t get home till 8:00, Angi and Any came up briefly. I couldn’t handle company. I was flustered because Evan (andy’s son) gets TLM all hyper. Too much carrying on. They left around 8:30. As I was getting TLM ready for bed, the FB starts lighting candles in the kitchen. I know what this means. This means we will be hanging in the kitchen the next couple of hours smoking cigs, and playing cards, and getting into trouble. And against my better judgement, I succumbed anyway. Even though that very morning I was exclaiming how happy I was to be getting full nights of sleep, how good I’ve just been feeling in general. But once its there in front of me I can’t say no. Them you start making deals with yourself, that only till midnight then I’ll take some sleeping pills and go to bed. But it doesn’t happen. Come 3am, you go for the sleeping pills the find out you only have half of one left. Panic ensues. You lay in bed for the next 4 hours mentally abusing yourself, and tying to prepare your self for the 9 hours you’ll be spending in a fluorescent lit office behind a computer screen. All he while wondering how your life became this way, and how can you truly get back on track.

I called an addictions counselor on Monday, (after Saturday’s little binge) she called me back on Weds. But I didn’t speak to her. I’m afraid. I know to stop one thing it will require me to stop all things. And all things are just not an option. I love me some wine, and an occasional joint. But I thought that maybe speaking to a counselor could lead me in the right direction. I don’t know, it made me happy to think that maybe I was taking a step in the right direction. I know what I need; I need the FB out of my life, but Im not string enough to do it. He hates that I practically blame him for the way I am now with the partying. And granted I can party on my own, no problem. But I take the step, by deleting specific phone numbers, I stay in all week, and Im happy about it. But as soon as Im spending time with him it always leads to “that”. And I can’t resist. Although I know the next day or 7 hours later I will hate myself, I know that I’m happier with myself when I go to work everyday fully rested, I love having fun with TLM. I know all these things plus some, but still can’t just say no. So this is the reason why I figured talking to someone would help. Oh I just don’t know what to do.
Wow this was quite an omission for me. I wonder what the weekend really does have in store for me.

I'm alive and kickin!

Low key week so far, and I’m lovin it!
So The Ex announced lest week that he would be leaving for a month, to go on a tour with a new band. Exciting for him, but the last thing I needed to hear after the week I had. But actually TLM and I have been getting along splendidly. I told him that we have to work together, we are a team, two peas I a pod. He’s been great, and I’ve been enjoying him immensely. So yea the Ex touring with a new band, a bunch of kids, he’s the old man of the group. The band is called From First to Last, and they are on tour with a larger band Story of the Year. It’s pretty exciting. He’s been gone exactly a week; it’s been tough on him, tougher on his girl. Making me say thank god we are not together, because I so would not be able to deal with it. I always told him when we were together that I wouldn’t stand for it, dream or no dream. Cripes, little girl groupies throwing themselves at boys with low self esteem, ha, lets see you turn that down. LOL. So yea, today he’s in New Mexico last night I talked to him he was in Salt Lake City, and they were in Canada the other day. It’s tough on him being the new guy, but I told him he has to go through that adjustment period; he’ll survive. I’m not sure where this is going to take him, if anywhere. Maybe he’ll realize this isn’t what he wants. Or maybe this will be fuel to the fire. I honestly don’t ever see him giving up music; it is the one thing he lives for. I believe he’d leave the little man for a year if a tour called for it. His good friend is in the band Taking Back Sunday, and as long as he is able to balance the music business and having a wife and 2 kids, the Ex will strive to do the same. I don’t know I’ve never been passionate about anything in my life, so I can’t relate at all.

Arianne came up on Saturday and spent the night, and boy did we P.A.R.T.Y.! oh the pregnancy was a false alarm, phew! They need more time to be a married couple before mixing a kid in to the situation. They are going through a lot of changes right now. I don’t envy her at all. I talked to her today they are staying one more week before returning to Alaska. Maybe I’ll get to see them on Saturday. TLM is going to the Ex’s girl’s house overnight Saturday, till Sunday afternoon. I’m nice I know. It was a whole huge argument; The Ex actually wanted her to keep the same visitation schedule while he is gone. Hell no, that is our kid not their kid, and besides I asked the little man and he doesn’t want to anyway. But there was a whole shit load of drama involved, last Friday was not fun.

Andy and Angi are home from Hungry, I super excited to hang out with them, just don’t know when it will happen. I must go do laundry tonight at my Aunts, bleh!

Now that wasn't a very long break now was it?

Ok, well I guess I didn’t take that long of a break! I’m sitting here in our Ewing N.J. office and the server is down, therefore I can’t get any work done. Computers, ugh!
Luckily I can type on Word.

Hope you had a fun and safe New Years Eve; I know I did. It was a good time. A little sad at midnight, looking around and not having anyone close to me there. I was at a party with my friend Angela. Everyone there were married yuppies, but nice all the same. It was pretty low key. Played some beer pong, flip cup, got drunk, hit on the only single guy there, but basically blew it. Silly me! The next day I was totally kicking myself for letting him get away. I was too involved with what was going on in my head. I drunk dialed Mac at like 1 on the morning. Made an ass out off myself for sure. But if anyone knows me it’s that guy! I’ve been really wanting to see him lately, maybe because we are finally both single, and I can hit that once again. I mean it’s been probably 9yrs since we last got together. I wonder what it would be like hmmm…. Oh well I’ll probably never know. I do know that I am grateful that we are still friends after all this time and after everything. *Random thought* I remember back when we were dating, in the beginning. Mac used to spend the night in my dorm room. One rainy morning, waking up to the song Wonder Wall by Oasis on the alarm clock (the same alarm clock next to my bed now); I was snuggled up behind him staring at his neck, breathing him in, wishing that I could bottle his smell and that moment forever. Wishing it would never end. Well it ended but the thought has stayed with me for 10yrs, so I did something right to preserve it.

I’m feeling really positive about this year. I think it will be a good year. It won’t be hard to beat 05, that year just sucked royally! I want to do better at my job; I’d actually like to find a new job, one that will inspire me to be a better employee. I have a feeling the “he” is right around the corner. Now I’m not depending on that happening but there is nothing wrong with a little positive thinking. I am all about positive thinking right now. That’s what gets me through the night. The nights are the hardest this week. I’ve been taking half a dose of Tylenol PM so that I don’t lie there thinking, or waiting for the black cloud to call. I know if he calls I’m not strong enough to resist him. Because physically I want him; I want him bad. All I keep thinking about is all the sex we had. How he freed me sexually, and made me feel like the best lover he’s ever had. Arg, I hate it! I hate him! I went out and got myself a new toy. Isn’t that exciting? LOL… Well I was excited. It’s been probably 2-3 months since my old one broke. I finally went to the “toy” store, talk about overwhelming. Firstly I was nervous, I know it’s silly. But I don’t have much experience in those establishments. This particular place though is not scary at all on the inside, and the boy working there was so very helpful. Christ there was a lot to choose from. So yeah anyway, I got a new one, and it has 5 different settings, yowza! You would think that would help with not having the FB, well it hasn’t! I am committed to trying to be stronger this year. I have deleted the FB’s phone numbers from my phone as well as some others, that were no good for me (ie: “connections”) I want to be a better person, a better mother.

The Little Man and I have been having a tough time lately. Or more so I’ve been having a tough time lately. He is just so stubborn on what he wants to do. Whatever I say goes in one ear then out the other. He has no fear of me, and it drives me crazy. All I keep thinking is if it’s this hard when he’s 4, how the heck am I going to deal with it when he’s a teenager, let alone a teenager that acted like me!!! I had a little breakdown to his Father last week. It felt good to talk to him. But his father sure did drop a bomb on me, one that I necessarily didn’t want to hear after the week I had with my son.
More on that later!!

I have to run!