Happy Holidays!

There is so much going on with all the relationships in my life right now. Everything is so screwed up for the most part.

First up is my Mom and I. Things were going so well for a good while, then I made the mistake of opening up to her. Funny even as I was spilling my guts I knew it would come back and kick me in the ass, but I proceeded anyway. I mean this is Mom, the one who I fight with annually, but we always find our way back to one another. Beacuase it has alwyas been me and her. Well Her and I and the latest guy in her life. So I've documented on here pretty well what I've been up to the last year and a half, and simply put its hasn't been anything to be proud of. Finally I broke down and told my mom some things I've been keeping to myself. An you know what she did? As soon as she got upset with me she called my brother and spilled the beans. Here she has the opportunity to be a mother to me, but once again pushes the parental responsibilities off on to somebody else. Yes, she says she was doing it out of love, to help me. But she knows in the past that it never worked that way. In this case luckily my brother already knows most of my issues, he just didn't know specific times and dates of me being fucked up and suffering the consquences. It just really hurts that my mom did that again to me. I was really enjoying our relationship. But now the past rears its ugly face and I can't help but think this is just so her pattern to push off the responsibility to someone else. Truth be told, its no ones responsibility but mine, to help myself. I keep thinking of how when my brother was little, he lived with my Grandmother for a time. What was so important in her life then? Then when I was little I lived with my other Grandmother for a time? What was so important then? No matter what my issues are, I could never leave my son with someone for a long period of time. When I was in high school, I lived with her 2nd husband after she left him. She didn't even fight that, she was happy to be rid of me for that period of time. When I had an abortion and came to her in confidence, she turned on me again by calling my brother and telling him. Knowing my brother and his wife would disapprove because of there strong faith in the Lord. These are all the things that I can't stop thinking about. My Brother by the way has been great. My only problem with my bro knowing all my issues, is then all my Aunts then know too. So right now I'm still the bad child, the huge let down, the one who can not get her act together. My excuses don't work anymore. Everyone is watching me. My poor Grandmother doens't know what to do. She's depressed, and crying. And she is not "allowed" to speak to me. I don't speak of my mother anymore. I don't have one.

On to happier things. Christmas is around the corner!!! And I have my little man x-mas morning AGAIN!!! At first the Ex said he wanted him x-mas morning, and I agreed after first being upset. We set upthe schedule fort he two days, and I was happy about how easy we came to agreement and how Cam was going to get to see all of his family. Granted it would be a lot of shuffling around. But that is what happens when you have parents are are not together. The Ex called last night and switched things up. Big surprise there; he's always switching the plans. He gave up x-mas mornin. and x-mas eve. I think he is crazy but its "eaiser" for them. heck easier for them bonus for me!! So I have Cam x-mas eve until 9am xmas morning then The ex gets him all x-mas day! yay! Cam will be disappointed when Santa doesn't bring his electric guitar to my house. He is going to have to wait till he gets to Daddy's.
I don't have my tree yet. I know crazy right? I'm just broke. I won't get my unemployment money until next tues. I will be getting my tree then, as well as my shopping done. Mia comes in from Cali. on Weds. I figure we will bake cookies Weds night or Friday afternoon. Thurs the 3 of us are going to N.Y. to see the ice skaters, and the tree, as well as FAO Schwartz! This will all be very exciting for TLM, as well as myself. Friday I am planning a small cocktail party for my friends at my house. Arianne and Jon are home from Alaska, so I look forward to having my best girls together, Aerin will be there in spirit. I wish you were here Aerin, it would totally make my x-mas; but 2 out of 3 isn't bad! *sigh* I can't wait till next week!!

This weekend will be tough, I am super broke,and my food is very limited. TLM is with his future step-mom tonight. The 2 of them are going to dinner with the Ex's Mom, S-Dad, and Bro. His Mom must really love the Fiance, cause god knows I would never have been invited to dinner without Matt. I would love to see her face when Cam mentions me. I bet she changes the subject. I sure she likes to believe I don't exsist. (his mom that is)

I had a good interview the other day. I am praying that I get it. I know there was at least one other candidate. The position just seems like a good fit. The logical step in the right direction. Oh god I need this BAD. Once I get a job my family as well as myself will feel so much better.

Single tonight and no kid! Meeting up with someone this afternoon. I haven't mentioned the FB. Not sure what I want to say about him. Besides when he reads this he miscontrues everything anyway. So I wont even talk about him.

Hope you all have merry x-mas!

my little man is 5 today!

November 27th, Cameron turns 5 today. Amazing how quickly time goes by. I had a birthday party for him this weekend, that I beleive was quite successful. After just about everyone left, Cam, thanked me and told me that Im the best party setter upper ever, and that he loves me sooo much. Those are the moments to hang on to. I had so many people in my little apartment it stresses me me out immensly. I was happy that Cam's fraternal grandparents came. As well as his aunt and uncle. I really miss the fmily gatherings with them all. They were a highlight during the holidays when we were all a family. i've noticed diffrences in Cam the last couple of weeks. He's really interested in learning more, eating new things, and oh has his attitude been showing. Who created this monster? oh yea thats right it was me. We took cupcakes into school today and next sunday is his kid party, so the fun isn't over yet.

Things with me are.. well....the same. I am however taking a step this evening to better my life. I can imagine my life before my downward spiral and I can imagine it afterwards. Today is the first day that I am commiting to change. No matter how much I abuse myself, I can not turn back the clock. I have to move on, I have to get healthy. I can not lose what little I have left. I've already screwed up so much. I long to be in love again. I keep thinking how 5 yrs ago today that I was unbelievably happy. We were happy. Now he is marrying someone else, now he is on the road now more that he is home. He misses so much by not being here.
im all over the place with this entry i apologize. my emotions are running crazy today.

Going to the chapel....

Ok so things just seem to be gtting worse and worse. STILL no job, my rent is two weeks late at this point, and Im totally freaking out.
The Ex was home for a few days before leaving on the next leg of his tour to the UK, and got to spend time with the little man. And worse fears have come true. He and the girlfriend are officially engaged. God my stomach turns thinking about it. Yes I should be happy for him, but Im not. Because people I am selfish, and its all about me! He marying her, soldifies the fact that we aren't meant to be together. It also proves that she is everything Im not. He is marrying the first girl he dated after we broke up, that is depressing. A week before the engagement they were broken up. Guess the brake up card worked for her. It never did for me. Now here is the real kicker!! He used OUR son, for his proposal. He didn't even ask her himself, he had cameron do it. what the fuck si that all about. How heartless is that? He had cameron pull the ring out of his pocket and ask will you marry my dady? ugh. what a pussy, couldn;t even do it himself. and had to hurt me even more by having Cam do it. I know one thing now, I truly do not like him anymore. I don't even want to hear his voice. What a comlete let down. I realize I've been living in a fantasy land with him,. I know he was and never will be that man I need, I just tried convincing myself otherwise. Everything he ever said was a lie. I havea plan, but its mine, sorry I can't share it.
gotta run,!

I cry

So here I am. Bet you thought I disappeared forever. Well no. I've just royally screwed up my life. This really is nothing new. So I quit my job about 6 weeks ago. I quit it under the wrong circumstances. I was never happy there, I tried. But it wasn't unbearable that I shouldn;t have found a job prior to quitting. I just don't know what it is going to take. What is the final straw? When am I going to stop punishing myself, for losing evrthing I thought I had? When will I rise above it, and instead of disappointing "him" over and over, I should of become a better persons. Instead I just cry. In the morning in the night. I completely miserable with my life, but yet don't change it. Me not having a job is starting to takes its toll. I'm 10 times meaner than usual, I'm taking it out on everyone. If it wasn't for the FB helping me, I don't know what I would do. But then again if it wasn't for the FB would I even be in this situatuation? I constantly make promises to myself, and constantly break them. Why can;t I be happy alone. Why can;t looking at my beautiful soon, and just be happy with him. Why do I need the confirmation of love from a man, who will only turn around and crush me. Because they all do, they all do. They can swear until the cows come home, but it always changes. But then there are people like me and one of my best girls, that no matter how bad the boys cruhed us we sit home pining away for them. Its self torture really. I mean christ do they even deserve us, hell no.

Anyway... so nothing truly exciting has been happening. Tough to go out when your flat broke. Haven't been to my favorite brewery since my birthday. Oh yea my birthday!! It was great, sitting there with 12 people who are the closest to me, brought tears to my eyes. It hurt me hte most htat neither of my parents could take out any time on a Saturday to come wish me a happy birthday. Guess that just goes to show you. My brother was amazing, he bought the whole dinner. Mia made me all pretty, I don't think I ever felt that good before. My smile was so big, I strutted around that place like I owned it. I have pics, but I can't find myco ard to upload them. I will soon though. Oh yea Mia, she came to PA for about 5 days, for my birthday. It really was just like old times. I was scared that it was going to be weird, but it wasn't. We didn't get to spend as much one on one time as we wanted, the FB really didn't help matters. On her first night here, we went to the city, she had found this little lounge called Medusa's lounge. It was really tiny, but had a lot of people. I sported one of her tops and hot damn I was feelin purty. I danced my little butt off. And once Mia met a boy I was left to my own devices, and jus started talking everyone up in the place. It was great. We left at 2am, I had to jet fast once the lights go up, I didn't want anyone to see me. lol. The boy Mia met came up and hung out with us the next 2 nights. He was really sweetie. So not her type at all, but she didn't let that bother her. There is something about him. Ya gotta give him props for hanging out with complete strangers, especially drunk ones.

So the Ex is back out on tour again. *sigh* I I aksed him last night when will it stop hurting. I can't imagine that it is. Because TLM is so much like him it painful sometimes. From the things he says, to the way he looks he is is father's clone. I don't know how people deal with it. Just one day at a time I suppose.
Ok well thats enough of an update for today. I have so much more I want to say, but I've been at the library for 2 hours so far. I need to go home and shower!

tata

Oh what a weekend indeed!!

Once again, I started my weekend with minimal plans, nothing major; and it turns into something so unexpected. I left work Friday with the mission of getting some "action”, and boy did I! But lets start a little farther back in the week, I started a new job remember?
I am still struggling with the wanting to just walk out of my new job. I know that sounds crazy. I realize I have to stay positive, and just be patient. Starting a new job is never easy. It’s just fear. Fear of not doing well, fear of failing. Ohh! (sorry I just moved and my body aches). I don’t feel I’m getting a lot of guidance, especially from my sup. But I am moving along slowly but surely. I’m secure enough to ask questions when needed. Last week was a lot of sitting and staring at the walls. It was very frustrating, but here I am on my 2nd week, I’m not giving up yet!
I was also going through a money crisis last week. I thought I finally screwed up beyond the point of digging my self out with the help of someone. I had bounced my July rent check. I was planning on paying July and August on the 11th of Aug. Well my landlord called me this past Thursday and said the money had to be I their office by Fri. morning, if the money wasn’t received court papers would start processing on the 7th. Hot damn, they don’t mess around. So I check my bank (which I have been avoiding), and I see that I am 240.00 short. I had no idea what to do, who to call. That was a huge favor to ask of someone. But alas I picked up the phone. My first call was to my baby’s daddy. (keep in mind I knew I was getting my severance check on the 11th) he was really nice, but they were going on vacation this week (yes another one), he said his dad was fronting most of it cause he was so broke. So call #1- I called my girl Angi, left her a message. This was the last phone call I wanted to make, I always go to them and per the FB they are sick of it. But I was desperate. (ohh I just spied a cute guy in my office, couldn’t get a look at his finger though) I even went as far as texting the FB that I needed something. Knowing full well that, that was a mistake. I didn’t want him in my life, I shouldn’t have been calling him for things. But at the same time it would give him a chance to prove all the shit he has been spewing. Well he didn’t respond, so I didn’t even get a chance to ask him. Nice, I know. But it at least it showed where I stand and that is fine, because I know where he stands in my mind. I called my Grandmom too, but because my mom was there, should couldn’t do it. My Mom would have bird if Gram helped me out. God Forbid! At this point I am S.O.L. I was chewing my finger nails so badly they hurt. I picked up Cam after work, and went home. At this point I decided that I would just write the check for the amount that I had available. And just see what would happen. I checked the mail upon arriving at home, and HOT DAMN my 401 k check had arrived. Talk about tears of joy that was 1600.00!!!! So to end this story, all is good on the rent front.
For the summer time at my new job, on Friday we get out at 11:30. I know awesome isn’t it? After work, I went home and nair(ed) the bikini line. Hey I was out to get some action this weekend, and I wanted it all!! I then ran to the brewery had 2 beers alone, left smoked a little, while going to my aunt’s to lay out. I lasted 10mins at my Aunts, the money was burning a serious hole in my pocket, plus I was getting creeped out being alone at her pool. It was scarey!! Her house backs up to a field and there all these trees and what not. I felt like I was in a horror movie. The “smoking” may have heightened the scariness..lol
I went to Target, completely stoned and spent about 200.00. But they were all reasonable purchases. Stuff to wear for Cam and I, and some things for my house. I even made out with a free bookcase, cause the girl forgot to scan it in my cart..sshhhh, I went home then to rest before Friday evening started.
I have to say, I felt so pretty this weekend. That doesn’t happen to often, so I don’t think its wrong to feel it or say it for that fact. Anyways… It was first Friday downtown, and that is where we went. We walk down and go around the corner and the first person I see? #1 crush! Ugh! My heart started thumping so fast. He was talking to a girl, and I really didn’t even look at him, I’m doing my best to ignore him. After a few minutes I realized the girl is his sister in-law..phew…. not take yet. He looked so damn cute, and preppy. *sigh* Angi and I had a good time walking around town talking to people. The FB was there too, he actually was at Angi when I got there. I talked to him, everything was fine. Later Angi and I were hanging at a bar downtown with one of the guys and his friends. And let me tell ya I was totally digging the one guy. Actually they are great guys and all date-able, the one. But the one was paying more attention to me, always asking his friend for a lighter to light my cig. And always quick to correct me if I said something negative about myself. Small conversations were had only between him and I. The plan was to meet up on Sunday after kayaking, but I never went. More on that to come on the reasoning why. Missed opportunity. Ang, the FB and I headed back to Ang’s house at around 10:30. We played a game of yahtzee, which Angi quit about 3 rolls in, her beer had instantly kicked her ass so she promptly went up to bed. So there we were, the FB and I. Both not sober, and I clearly not thinking. Well I was thinking, but more like a guy would with his dick tee hee… I had made other tentative plans but the person bailed, so i told the FB he was stuck with me. I had a bunch of shit and I wasn’t going home alone. So I took the FB home. I know I know- Zip it! A girl has needs, and this girl knows that, that boy can fulfill them. The only thing that, this girl didn’t know that they would be fulfilled over and over again the next day. Yea Im slut, I know. Tee hee. So the FB and I went home hung out we had a great talk So great that he spilled some beans. Some serious beans. How about everyone say a quick hello to the FB, hello FB!! Yes he found the blog. And he read and most likely re re-read it. There hasn’t much here that he doesn’t know, if anything he will only get hurt. So he should just stop reading now. Because he is not going to like what he reads about sat night. Tee hee. The talk we had seemed very honest. I told him that for the first time I wasn’t really feeling scared about repercussions because I wasn’t with him anymore. I used to be scared that he would trash to everyone including possible prospects. And there were some instances where he tried. But now Im not so scared, because I feel people should know me by now, and the definitely know him. So they need to use there best judgment when hearing anything from him. When it came time for bed, I didn’t even feel uncomfortable because again, ’ve been honest in what I want and what I DON’T want. SO I left him on the couch, and went to my room shut the door, and proceeded to take care of myself. But I succumbed to my sexual fantasies and called him in. hell this weekend was all about me, and me getting some action. I wouldn’t let him “enter” I was done. Once I said ok, the poor boy couldn’t even get it in all the way, with out holding back, because he was going to explode… and he did pretty quickly. Which is good, cause once Im done, Im done…lol (its all about me). Afterwards I promptly kicked him back to the couch…..mua ahahahahahaha. The sad part is here I was just thinkinghtat I was able to trust him but its gone again, that quickly. I found out that he went and told a boy that I had previously hooked up with, the blow by blow account of me and THAT boys sexual encounters. The FB out the poor boy on the spot and questioned him about it all. Of course I had to confron the FB about this. And now he probably do the same thing again. But I just couldn’t believe he would do that. It just goes to show me that he’s not at the place I thought he was with us,that along with the fact that he searched for the blog, to find out what Im too because Im not talking to him. Imso very disappointed.
Saturday didn’t start for my until 3ish. Angi and I had planned a girl night. And OH what a freaking night it turned out to be. We went and laid out for about 2 hours. After showering and getting pretty. Did I mention I looked good, oh my!! LOL…. I bought a new shirt that I just had to wear, and I was pleased. We went to see the devil wears prada. It was good, not oscar worthy, but good.We then went to our favorite brewery, then to another bar, after bartender boy persuaded us. And I am thankful that he did. Because the rest of my night was CRAZY. Im talking 3 hr sex marathon! Stop go, stop go! dizziness and oh hoe my body aches. Someone completly unexpected happened. No strings attached!! I can't go into it any further. I gotta run! more later

pics

Last Day

Well today is my last day at my current job. I am excited to start my new job on Monday. Im excited for what may be in store for me. My work experience here hasn't been the best. I've never really been happy here, can;t really put my finger on why. Most likely it is just me, nontheless Im happy to move on. So much has happened in the 3yrs Ive been here, personally that is.
When I started here Matt and I were together, Cam was just a little guy. We had a nice house 5mins away, that is no longer in existance. I was happy, relatively. Except for when he cheated on me, and except for time he put a profile on adult friend finder, and I found it. oy vey! I thought I had it all back then. Then the rug was pulled out. Got preganant a 2nd time, and that was not to be. he realized he once and for all he doesn't want to marry me, and I should move out. Move out I did. I met some great in my new little life. I developed a bad drug problem, but since then have pulled myself out of the thick of it. I've had some good times. I realize though with me starting a new job, I want to better myself even more. I want to be more professional. I wont bear my soul to a coworker who I think is my friend so she can then turn around and inform my supervisor of everything that is going on in my life. (thanks bea)
*sigh* Just a litte venting sorry.

I am finally going to the Dr. today to get a script for Zyrtec. I cant wait!!! My cats are killing me slowly..lol. hanging out tonight. Married guy called me watned me to go to AC with him. married guy? you say. yes married guy. Dont hate me, Im not that girl who goes after married men, or even guys with girlfriends. This is someone who I have a past with (prior to his marriage) and we are friends. Anyways, Im going to my cousins wedding tomorrow. The reception is at maggianos... hmmm hmm good!

With this being my last day and all, I wont have the same computer access. I'll try and update soon!

oh you must check out his new myspace pic.... melts my heart... www.myspace.com/mattcourage... sniffle sniffle

short update

3 more days left at my current job. Im getting itchy to get out of here. I called off on Monday, was suppose to get my back tires replaced. The tire place had to order them though, so I was s.o.l. I am suppose to return today, I am awaiting their call.
My cats are slowly killing me. Im trying to get a hold of my Dr's office to get a script of Zyrtec. I felt great over the weekend, but I wasn't home. My allergies have progressivly gotten worse since I returned to the apt. I just know my Dr's is going to insist on me coming in, but I don't have the time or money. I just want them to call it in.
This past weekend as nice. We all headed to the shore. A&A brought Evan (hes 11) and I brought Cam. We stayed in the Miller's camper. had a areally nice homecooked dinner on Saturday. It really wasn't beach weather, but we went anyway. Sunday I was pretty misserable, I don't even know why. The FB and I got into a huge arguement via telephone on Sunday night. It all stemmed from me not wanting him to come over and spend the night (party) I said if he got a car he can come over, but he's not sleeping there. I don't want to feel uncomfortable when it comes time to go to bed. He gets all weird and looks at me with his craxcked out eyes. Then when Im in bed I always feel like he is peeking in on me. 9 times of 10 he tries to change my mind, and to hook up with him. ew, not going to happen. Its weird how someone can so completey gross you out, when at one time it was completely opposite. So now we are not speaking, and I feel great!!!!
The crying I did Sunday was crazy. I hadn't cried like that in so long. I couldn't breath, I was so emotional. I was even stupid enough to pull out the journal from when the Ex and I were together. Talk about crying!! Well this morning I realized why;my little friend has come to town. And boy do I feel ill this morning.
My 30 th is coming up, Im sure I've already said this. (9/9) I had been planning a pig roast-party at the Millers. Im thinking that, that isn't the best idea at this time. So now Im kicking around a day at the beach, a room in AC, a nice dinner, partying and dancing; with those who mean the most to me. Another option would be New York for the night. AC seems more feasible. Time will tell I'd like to know within 2 weeks so I can book the room.
Any b-day suggestions?
i have to do a separate post for pics again! what is up with blogger?

Picture Post

Below is Cam and my girl Arianne, who lives in Alaska.


The picture feature wasnt working prior... so here you go!

The other boy is my cousin Jon.

Doenst Cam look excited on the airplane!

Did you miss me?

Time for my monthly update!! Thanks to Amy for prodding me a little. I attempted to update earlier this week, but I didn't it's been busy, busy, busy.
So Disney has come and gone . I'll tell ya at first it was NOT fun. I started off the vacation on the WRONG foot. Reverted back to my bad ways. I had a few people over Thursday night and the night didnt end. I got up for work on that Friday, and proceeded with the day. My plane was scheduled to leave at 8:10. I left work at 2:00pm. My friend Andy drove Cam and I to the airport, but we hit the worse traffic EVER. I was so stressing out. It took 2.5 hrs to get to the airport which is normally a 45min ride. Thank god for Andy, cause he kept me calm, I was seriously about to lose my shit. So we made the plane. Cam totally loved his first plane ride. It was such a great experience. We didn't arrive in Orlando till about 11:30, and didnt get to the hotel till after midnight. Yes midnight. That means I had been up for 30 some hours. I was exhausted. We went straight to bed. My Aunt had us up at like 6:30 in the morning and we returned to the hotel for a brief 1.5 hr nap then headed back out till 9:30. I was about to drop dead. Cam was driving me crazy. Where did this whinny child come from? I could handle him if we were alone. It is so hard reprimanding your child in public, and then on top of that I feel Im being judged by my Aunt and her son. I'll tell ya the first two days were very trying on me. We were going going going. I wanted to cry so bad. Cam was scared of just about everything, but we made him do everything anyway, trying to convince him all the while that there is nothing to be scared about. In the end he would be all like Mom that wasn't scary at all. See I told you!!! The food we ate was delicious, I swear I gained mucho weight while there. The beer was outrageous, but you know I got my drink on anyway! $ 5.30 a 16oz of bud, anywhere you went, My Aunt was like I didn't know we brought uncle george (alcoholic) along. Hell I deserved at least one drink, ok 2 at the end of the day! Please!

We stayed at the Animal Kingdom Lodge. It was beautiful, we had animals right outside the patio. The pillows were amazing!! I wanted to steal one soooo bad. So thats my Disney trip in a nutshell.

As I said in my last post the Ex went on a romantic vaca. with his girlie when Cam and I returned from Florida. I had one day rest, then it was Me and Cam for another week. But it was great.

I haven't been doing anything much. I've actually been staying in a lot more. I like this. My friend J, hangs out with me all the time. Its been feeling a little complicated lately but we discussed the situation again. I made it clear that we are only friends and that is all its ever going to be. he doesn't pressure me, but I can tell he's been feeling differently. I feel bad, because I know I got it good. We go out to eat, or he'll bring over drinks or we go get drinks all the time. I am very grateful for our friendship. We go back a long way. I dont want to ruin our friendship. Besides Im just not sexually attracted to him. I wish I were. He is a GREAT guy, good heart, never raises his voice. He has a great job, and he is good looking, but I just can't look at him in "that" way.

The FB and I are 100% over!!! Its been a long time coming. And it didnt even end badly. I had been growing further and further away from him. We had gone to the beach a couple weeks ago as friends. And that was it. I told him I don't like him, like he likes me, and Im not going to. I have been saying this for sometime; he was just choosing to not believe me. I needed to distance myself more from him. ya see I found he was arrested, and he kept this from me all the while keeping up his bad habits even though that is what got him arrested. Short story is he is fucked, and he is the only one who can help himself. I can't abandon someone completely, that is just not me. But I havent talked to him in some time, although Im sure I'll run into him this weekend. He knows if he needs someone to talk to Im there, but that is it.

Any other boys? hmm no not really. #1 crush, I fucked that up. I cant even look at him anymore. It hurts my heart. He so let me down big time. I did break my last moral the other night. Im not proud of what I did. I did it purely for selfish reasons. I needed to feel wanted. And I did, I felt incredibly sexy. Those few pounds I gained didnt matter. I had this man over the other night,. I answered the door in my little black two piece, and he was pleased. I told him no talking, just get down to it. And boy he did. Within 5min I was standing naked in my living room, with him kissing me, starting with my mouth and working his way down. *sigh* I havent been kissed like that in so long. Not to mention the lower regions. Oh man this guy was always good at that. He used to be my booty call prior to meeting the Ex. I was so nervous about the other night because I'm heavier, and I've had a kid. Things really aren't the same.... The whole experience was ok. I got my momentary gratification of just doing it. having someone want me, and me not necessarily wanting them Just doing it to do it. He stayed for a little bit then headed home. He's been texting me, I haven't been replying. Im such a slut.

I feel I did what I did partially cause I felt like I had to be with someone other than the FB which was sometime ago, ok 3-4 weeks shut up...lol....Last weekend I had washed my comforter, pillows, EVERYTHING, I was washing him out of my life completely. So I had to move on sexually. Poor excuse, I know. But its my rationalization.

I start my new job on the 31st. It is at another engineering firm doing billing like I do currently. I thinking this lay off is the best thing ever. My new job is for 7000.00 more a year. that rocks!! I'm staying at my current position long enough to get my 1month severance. hoorah! I had 3 offers to chose from, it was a great confidence boost.

hmm what else. lets see... Im going to try and trade my car tomorrow. say a prayer for me . I really like the look of the Kia Rio5... that is what Im hoping for. Im going to a Kia dealership. I have an Elantra now, so Kia is basically the same car. that appointment is for tomorrow morning.

Tonight they are having a blob fest in p-ville. Remember the movie the Blob? well the movie theatre seen was filmed in our theatre. So they always have a block party. there is a skate shop doing a skate demo and my friends band is playing. So it should be a good evening,. The Ex is probably going to bring the little man down since they only live up the street. I look forward to the dirty looks little miss perfect is going to throw at me. oh well, I'll be busy!

oh oh oh, tomorrow Im attending a Rib Off with a bunch of people I have not seen in 10yrs (HS). its partly frightening, but also exciting. I knew moving back to my home town would bring about new happenings in my life! So far so good.
Hope you have great weekend, I plan on it!
tata!

oh yea I have a blog on blogger!

tee hee... ya know I make some postings on my myspace site, and it sucks I can barely get the blog to appear. this is so much easier but yet I neglect it. *sigh* I always chose to make my life more difficult.
So whats up? Is anyone still out there? Things have been well for me.... I have calmed down ALOT, I feel great. Outlook is good...now if I could only lose 10-15 pds, and get that boy I like, life would be great. Oh yea and new job, because I was just notified I will be laid off as of August 1st. yea great huh? Im not too upset by it all, I;ve been wanting out of here for a long time, at least this way its mutual.... and they will provide me with a good reference to make themselves feel better about letting me go when I have son to support. I actually have na interview this afternoon, the pay is GREAT, the location is the same, and the hours are 9-6...sounds good to me. So please say a prayer.

I've been spending a lot of time at home. My friend Josh hangs with me alot. We laugh, and play fight all the time. the FB is still around. We are mostly friends, he wants more, I do not. I am quite happy with my little life I've created for myself. I am still wanting #1 crush... he teases me so... I can't even explain it. I grow frustrated then give up then my phone rings. pfft! he makes me so nervouse and I act all stupid. my stomach gets all achy when I see him. im so pathtic.

Things with the EX have been up and down lately. Mostly down. His girl sent me an email... it wasnt good, or appreciated. Since then there is alot of tension. Cameron and I leave for Disney tomorrow. yep Disney mother fuckers!! Im so excited. This will be my first time going. Matt had planned on taking Cameron the week after, but since we are going down, he and his girlfriend have since cancelled their trip. Seems that my plans ruined their's. Note: I did not know they were going until I notified him we were going. I feel that the place is big enough why not take your son a 2nd week, but NO they cancelled.... oh and this is the best part... He and his girl are now taking a vacation together alone that week, instead of taking his son along as planned. fucked up,I know. I get Cam all to my self for 2 weeks in a row. Its just another one of those things about matt that I will never understand. I always have felt out he misses out on more with Cam. I mean since he's infant, music has always been #1 to Matt, then he left for what 3 months on tour. matt is the one that is always switching the visitation schedule because of "other thing", and now this vacation. I don't doubt he loves his son, I know he loves him; immensly. I just don't understand the choices he makes,and how he can be away from Cam so willingly. i guess a mother's love is different? I dont know. I plan on taking lots of pics, and keeping a journal of our vacation. I may take my laptop and do some postings, we'll see.
Well I must get back to work....
tata

here i am...

You would think that since I have been so negligent with this here blog, that something interesting is going on in my life. Well sorry to say but life is pretty dull. Ok, not dull, just ummm smooth sailing, with a few speed bumps. hmm where to begin.
First off, our kitten Slippers passed away last friday night. He had caught something. I took him to the vet the week prior, spent $200.00 for the vet to say she didin;t know what was wrong sometimes kittens catch virus' and don't bounce back. Well at first he seemed to be doing well after the vet, but then things turned for the worse. Thankfully tlm wasnt home, and I had prepared prior that when he returned home that Slippers was not going to be there. I have never had a cat die like that before. It was heart wrenching, adn I feel like such a bad parent. Granted we didn'y have him for long, but I loved our kitty. Even though he drove me nuts nibbling on my lips when Im trying to lay in bed. I miss him, I miss what he was going to be as an adult kitty. so sad :(

On to happier things. TLM and I are going to Disney on the 16th! Can you believe it? I still can't! My Aunt is taking us. We are going with her and her son. This all came about, about a week ago. she called out of the blue and asked if we wanted to go. So we fly out Friday night. We are staying till Thusday! And get this the Ex is taking TLM down the following week. How crazy is that. I had no idea. So tlm gets to go down 2 weeks in a row. Im grateful that Matt and I get to experience this with TLM one right after another. And TLM is sure to remember!! He is very excited about his plain ride. Im very excited about everything!!! I've never been to disney or florida. yay!!!

The new apt. is great. So far no problems with anyone in the building. I love living there. Im so glad I moved. I have reconnected with an old friend by the name of Josh. We have been spending alot of time together in the past few months. Not in that way though! He is strictly a friend; and a good one at that! Man we watched last comic standing the other night and I dont remember ever laughing that hard. I always laugh when Josh and hang out. I'm think that the laughing is affecting me in a positive way. I've been feeling much happier about things lately.

Nothing ever happened with #1 crush... we hung out 2 weekends ago, and had a blast. Got hammered. Thought it was going to go somewhere, but he chickened out. I text him that I give up. I am too impatient, maybe that not good. But damn when I want something I want it. NOW. Not 2 months down the road. And getting calls maybe on a weekend... bleh!

the FB has been taken down a few notches. And things are going well. We do not speak every day. I don't want to. I have no interest in being his girlfriend. And even though he wants me back badly, I make it clear it isnt going to happen. I upfront and honest.
I have a date Tues. dinner and movie, with a boy from craiglist...lol... shut up I know. Im crazy!! We have been talking for a few weeks. He seems great, my only paranoia at this time is that he is a huge nerd...god am I shallow or what!
I'm sure I can think of more to say, but I must get back to work. I'll try and update this evening from home!
tata!

Picture post!

Random Pics :

left side.. me and S-jay drunk at the Cloud....} my kitty slippers!

Angi and her sister...
Fred and

Matt from Taking Back Sunday!

aggravation

I'm back... haven't been far. Nothing too interesting going on. I've been relatively happy! Imagine that.
Where to begin. Last week started off on a real emotional high. I had run into #1 crush that Saturday. I was so taken off guard, when he walked in with his brother. I stayed back though, didn't really pay much attention to him. Of course by 2:00 when the bar is closing down, I've had enough to drink so I felt brave enough to be flirty. We all headed back to a friends house for a little after party. And he came too!! Im totally freaking. Here I am flying solo, and run into my #1 crush. So we hung out a little and talked. And then we exchanged numbers. numbers!!!! The plan was to meet at A &A for some quaits on Sunday. I can not discribe with out coming across as a complete lunatic how happy I was driving home that night. I had the hugest smile on my face. The FB kept calling, I had absolutely NO interest. And really hadn't in some time.
The quaits never happened... The FB showed up all strung out, so I never called #1 crush to come over instead I went home and just chilled. At this point I had a small dilema. Should I have called #1 crush sunday evening? Or wait till monday? Everyone was saying Mon. So monday it was. So I left a message Mon. no call back. Have few beers weds. decide to call again. I said that I officially give up... and not worry I wouldnt give him a hard time when I run him again. So that was that.
*sigh* Friday night went to dinner with my Aunt, come out check my phone who calls... dun dun dun.. yep him. So I call back, here he is in AC for a bachlor party weekend, for his one brother. Damn! But at least he called right? We chatted a few minutes. Never got to nail anything down. Said he would talk to me later. 2:45 in the morning my phone rings, comes up #1 crush's number. But it's not him. It's his oldest brother drunk as hell. Its the one brother I dont know. He lives in NV. He's all so like my little brother, tell me about yourself blah blah blah... it was cute, not too obnoxious at all. Tells me how he and his little brother are relly close and that he loves him, and I should too. LOL... I said then tell him to call me.. with that #1 crush was back on the phone. Said goodbye talk to you later. weird. Do you think I've heard from him? nope, nada, zip. They came back from A.C. late yesterday afternoon. I know this because; hello I'm me! I find out everything. Ok actually I know the other guys on the weekend trip, I simply sent text asking! tee hee. So here I sit. I expected to get the call tonight. But that is where I fuck up, Im expecting it. I've been plenty patient here. Damn, I mean it has been almost exactly a year since I first posted about him. First knew that I want to know him better. Maybe I'mexpecting things to move too fast. Girl only wants some one on one time, with no friends around.

Yesterday was a blast though. It was the annual goat race at the brewery. TLM and I had been looking foward to it for sometime now. I packed him a lunch to take so I wouldn't have to spend any extra money. Best plan ever! I had 20$ for drinking, and damn it was enough! Ran into some other people there. Prospect #2? Hot Landscaper guy... I keep running into him, we flirted a little yesterday. While there went for short walk to partake in some smoking. nice! I walk back to join the festivities while Im standing there in the crowd, there was this commotion. Here a f'n dear comes running through the parking lot, into the crowd up over the tables. It was crazy!! I was laughing hysterically. I couldn't stop! I totally thought I was hullicinating it. The crowd went crazy with applause for the deer. I mean come on a deer crashing the goat race fest.

Could post a bunch of shit about the FB, but won't right now. I'm staying away from, and I've been really content. I feel like my old self again.
tata

wow

yea I know its may 4th!! In all honesty I did an update the other day but it got lost... go figure... I was too pissed to re write. anyway, cant talk now... will try to tonight or tomorrow!
gotta run, it is beautiful outside!

I have request.... anybody want to fess up to living near reston, VA... im so perplexed????? LOL

Could it get any better?

This weekend has been awesome. It's Sunday afternoon and the little man and I are sitting here watching The Rescuers on the DVR. Its only noon, and we've gone to breaksfast, done laundry, and cleaned up the apartment. Although I still have a long road ahead of me, being "sober" this weekend has been wonderful. Doing things with TLM and seeing him so excited and happy is a reward all in its self. Don't get me wrong I've had some urges. Even today as happy as I am its so damn hard not to pick up the phone and make a call. But Im not going to!

So the weekend has gone like this:
Friday night TLM and I took my Gram out for dinner, then spent a boat load of money on groceries. Later in the evening my friend Josh came over to watch a movie. He brought to large bottles of wine..hmmmm. Obviously when I said sober I didnt mean alcohol! We tried to watch the movie happy endings.. but wound up laughing and talking through most of it. I couldn't stop saying all night long how happy I was to be doing just what we were doing. Satruday morning we woke early, Cam and I cruised down to NJ, and went to the aquarium. It was fun, and he loved it. On the way home I had to stop in Bryn Mawr and go to my favorite restaurant..Antonella's Italian Kitchen...oh.my.god! So good.!!! Cam even liked what he ate. We then proceeded home to nap. THEN after nap we headed back down to the city... and went to the circus!!! It was fun!! My Aunt and her son took us. I had never been to the circus and it was quite enjoyable. The stadiun was nasty though from the previous show during the day. Cam was freakin at first because he was scared of the clowns. I tried to explain to him that mommy would never take him somewhere, where someone would harm him. Once there and the show started he was like mom this is so cool, and clowns aren't scarey at all!! I have to say even though I thoroughly enjoyed Cam all to myself, I can't help but think what it would of been like if it were the 3 of us. I know I know, but I can't help it. Saturday would of been 6yrs together.

This morning we went to breakfast together. Normally we go to the polish club with andy and angi, but we were up early ready to go, so Mommy and Son weekend continued with just the two of us. You should of seen the pancake they gave him at the cafe. It was huge. I was wishing I had my phone on me so I could take a picture... It was larger than his plate, which is the size of a dinner plate! Over breakfast we discussed the vampires, mummies and skeletons. lol.. he so cute.
Feels good to be sitting and relaxing heck I haven't even gotten a shower yet. Tonight may be the best part of the weekend yet! Going to see Taking Back Sunday.. i am so excited!!! holla! I mean come on, after purchasing tickets last year to go to RI to see them and didnt go. Tonight they are at the Troc. even better its a small theatre venue. Im going to look hot and commence to get my drink on. ahh the grandmom is coming here to watch the little man, so I don't have to pick him up afterwards.
At this point I want to say best weekend ever.... but I'll wait till Im safely home this evening.
Ok now that I ve bored you with my happiness Im going to go now. I hope everyone had a great weekend too!
tata

WoW its April17th already!

Don't you love the spring time? I do! It makes me feel so happy; I feel very positive today. As I do most days, and like most days those positve feelings are fleeting. Like today I awoke ready for the week. Ready to take anything that comes my way, head on. ******Deleted*******************
So its been awhile since Ive done a good update, so let me bore you will all details/aspects..... on the job front: the job is going well. I've actually stopped my job hunt. Because get this; your job is much more enjoyable when your properly rested and not strung out!! I look forward to coming in, well for the most part anyway!! I did fuck up 2 fridays ago... that was my breaking point/rock bottom... Thursday night lasted entirely too long, ok it didn't end.... I then had to drive to our MD office, in very poor condition. I hadn't been down there in sometime, and I was a complete and utter mess. On the way home, I just cried and cried, about what my life has become. Mia spoke to me most of my way home, and if it wasn't for her , I don't know how I would of made it. I blame the Ex for so much. And even though none of it is his fault...I need to make myself responsible. I just cant help but think about how my life used to be, and how he was my rock. He stabilized me, made me feel loved and secure. Only to have that all swept out from underneath me. And to go from him to the next situation with the FB, was just so dramatic. The FB is not the Ex in so many ways, he is so not even worthy of my love. I feel that by being with the FB and doing the things I've done is just me trying to escape my problems, or create new ones so Im not focusing on what s really bothering me. Or maybe Im trying to fuck up so someone will reach out to me. I don't know. shit i was suppose to be talking about work.... opps!
anyway the FB...yea he is still around, off and on... more off than on, and Im happy about that... he totally uses me, and he has nothing that I can use him for anymore. He is an embarassment. I like to have him around once and awhile if he is fucked up so he can feed my ego... even though I know its all false. Damn I have issues.
The new apt. is great. I want to get so many things for it.... but first I need to stop wasting money.
Im kind of crushin on a boy, well he's a man.... I man Ive known, but hesitant on. Why hesitant? Cause he's just that nice... am I even worthy of him? I don't know. But I've been making an effort to spend more time in his pressence. Not sure of his take on me, except no one really wants to go near me because of the FB. All I know is that I have a good time when we are hanging, he's a good person, does fun and interesting things. He has a life. I'm still out and about looking, so if you see me watch out!
Hmm what else... the little man starts a new school/daycare on may 1st... asshole, just informed he won't pay the 50$ fee, because he pays the daycare whatever asshole.... I pay for everything else!
Ya know what really is bothering me, just the fact that when he was on the road we talked all the time, like we were best friends, and I knew it didn't mean anything to him. But Im a stupid girl that gets all wrapped up in that shit. Now that he's home I've barely spoken to him longer than 2 mins. I'm missing him all over again. Its like he used me while he was away, and now that he is home, it's like it never happened. I am so sick of crying.
Wait, 2 more things! the 15th was my 1yr mark on here yea! and I got a kitty, his name is slippers.... here are pics...
and say hello to me please!! My girl ANS is the only one that says hi! I know your out there I see my counter! LOL.

Im still alive

Wow, its been a week since I've posted, yikes! Its that damn my space's fault., hogging up all my free time. I've been pretty busy. It seems like alot has happened, but I guess alot really hasnt happened..hmmmm

So last weekend I didnt go to VA, instead I went on a semi-blind date, with I boy I met through my space. A 25 yr old boy. I was feeling adventerous. He seemed very mature, unlike most of the guys I talk to. I agreed to meet him up by his place, thats like a 45min drive for me. He had actually requested that I wear a skirt. I obliged, and threw in a pair of thigh highs, as well as well as my fuck me boots that go up to my knees. I must say I was looking hot! I went to the brewery before hand, and everyone was pretty impressed. I was feeling good. I got to our meeting place, on time. Him?- LATE- like 30-40 mins late.. but he kept in contact so I knew he wasn't standing me up. Another guy started talking to me, I gave up the digits to him...lol.... by the time my date got there I was buzzed. We had one more drink and headed back to his place. I know I know dangerous, but I was feeling really confortable. We had some party supplies, so we went back to chill. Boy drove a BMW suv, nice house3 yrs old. nicely decorated. Pool table air hocker, good liquor stash... it was nice! He is only 25!! He is more together than me. I was there till like 4:30... I behaved, only gave up a little kiss. I was kind of liking him, didnt want to give up the booty. Beside my bootycall was waiting for me to get back into town..lol
On my way back home I picked up the FB... I know I know. By this time it 5am... take the FB home, have a good talk. Dont know what is going to happen but as long as he communicates with my its all good. I like having my apt. to myself. But dont come over and fuck me then disappear for 4-5 days! I need just a little more than that.

So back to the blind date boy. So instead of calling me, he always texts. This bothers me. ALOT... we set up plans for later in the week (via text), he asked me where my KID will be. This bothered me also. My Kid has a name, if you can't remember refer to him as my son at least. Then he goes on to request the skirt and what not again. ok, at first I liked the request, but its a second date, again for drinks! what happened to taking a girl for dinner? And how about letting me dress how I deem appropriate. Its all well and good to have specific likes. but damn get to know me. All guys are after is sex. Well once I got his email with all his requests/requirements. I told him I was bailing, I had a great time last week, but a few things have bothered me. Thanks, take care blah blah .
Ugh he just sent me an email....LOL.. he thinks i'st because the Ex is home off of tour. Do guys not listen at all?

Anyway, yea Matts home from the tour. I feel really sorry for him because I know he much is disappointed. But I am happy for TLM. The Ex picked him up yesterday and surprised him. So I will have some freedom again. But I will miss having Cam all to myself!!

My apt. is coming along nicely. My dad and his wife came over and we got everything hung up on the walls. It looks nice. Went out for wings and beer last night, came home got faded(my new word.LOL)watched Lost, went to bed. Got some booty too!! Great night!
ahh must get some work done!

tata

Hey Aerin Kim!

I know your out there, I see you've visited.. I sent you an email... whats up girlie? You need to contact me... no comment on the whole Mia situation?

breathe in, breathe out

Well I'm home, and glad. I didn't get much of anything accomplished at work today. I mostly emailed all day long, to people on myspace. It's like as soon as M backed out of this weekend, I went into overdrive to try and make myself feel better. Talked to boys all day long. It's only momentary happiness or say; satisfaction? All day long I had that feeling of just wanting to burst into tears. I don't even know why. It seems that Weds are the hardest lately. I get really lonely on Weds. and I cry. Every week for the last 3..

Do you ever look forward to something so much and then not have it happen. Of course; it's happened to everyone. I just fuckin hate it. I get that way about everything, thats why I hate planning, because of the possibility of being let down .
Guess I really shouldn't be suprised. I mean come on Karen, what were you expecting, I mean really? Now he's laughing, just like all the rest of them.
They all want to fuck with my body and mind.

To add more to my feeling this way today, I decided to call the Ex. He sounded so fucking hot, He had been laying in bed, just waking up. He goes, don't you know what time it is here. I'm like, oh shit I didn't even think of it. Where are you? He's in Cali. It was 11am so it wasnt that early. But I was thinking initially that he was in the same time zone. So we talked awhile. I told him about my weekend gone a bust. He felt bad. Funny he was saying that he never believed and still doesnt that I didn't hook up with Mac (M) 2 yrs ago went I went to see him and spent the night. I find that funny, that he actually doesn't believe me. I almost don't believe me but I'm telling the truth. I loved the Ex to much regardless that it was over, I didn't want to jeopordize any hope that remained. *side note* We were still living together, so at that time there was hope..blah blah I know.
Phew, I took a few tokes, and one glass of wine and look me I'm blabbing on and on I'll regret theses buzzed ramblings tomorrow.
Anyway back to the Ex... He expressed that he was horny (um why tell me) I go, Umm I really didnt need to know that... he goes.. what its not like you can do anything your thousands of miles away. (totally after phone sex) I told him to call his girl for some phone sex... ahh but it felt good that he is so comfortable with me... we really do talk about everything.
I told him I would probably go out this weekend and demean myself in some way. Because it is just so easy to hook up with guys. He told me he really didnt need to hear that..my reply?... I definately miss being loved (especially by him) sex is easy, but love? hmm what is that anymore... I really don't know. I can tell you one thing, I sure have been tying to convince myself of things that really aren't possible.

Oh I wont even go into the fact of how desperate I...... ahh nevermind.. got make dinner.

Do me a favor think of me right now, and smile. :)

Re: my trip to Virginia

Well the joke is on me... I'm such a fucking idiot. And why am I even upset, once an ass always an ass right? How am I going to tell people Im not even going now, I talked and talked about it. I wasn't suppose to care or look forward to it. Sometimes Im good at lying to myself. I really wanted to get out of town and its evil ways this weekend. Now this weekend will be like the last 36 and I'll hate myself at the end of it.

Why don't I ever learn. When will I ever stop be let down.

I'd say this is damn accurate!

Which Elemental Goddess are you? (9 different results+ pictures)

Youre the Goddess of Fire. You will be drawn to hot colors and dramatic fashions as an expression of your vibrant personality. Stimulating and charismatic, you are often the life of the party. You are a huge party person and love to have fun.

People love you for: Your awesome personality and the fact that you know how to get rid of those hangovers from last nights bash. ; )

Take this quiz!








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Mia - is alive! : UPDATE at the bottom

What a fucked up night. I swear I'm bi-polar. I had such a good day yesterday, feeling so positive. Then lastnight it all diappeared. All I wanted to do was cry. And I did. I went to my Dad's for dinner, and there was a really weird vibe there. He seemed drunk, his wife calls it tired. I really don't know. She seemed overly annoyed, and I was just plain old uncomfortable. Cam was great, for once. He ate all his dinner there, and was very polite. When I left their house I was just over come with sadness. I live 4 blocks from them, and just started crying. TLM was like Mommy look at me, I said why? he goes cause I think you're crying. We get out of the car at home, and says mommy give me a huggy, I go why, he says cause your upset mommy and I want to make you feel better. This makes me even more sad, my son is so damn perceptive, and caring. He goes don't worry as he grabs my hand, we'll be inside snuggling on the couch in a minute you'll feel better. He melts my heart. I don't know what I would do without him. So once I'm inside I set up the laptop, check the mypsace account. my yahoo email, and low and behold what do I have? An email from classmates telling me that Mia Altobello has sent me an email. M y world is flipped upside down, I cant believe this. She's alive, she emailed me!! Well I can't get on the classmates site because I don't know my f'in password, after 20 minutes it is sent to me, the wholetime I'm freaking, what could her email possibly say. Once I'm finally able to get to my message center, I cant read it because I'm not a gold member!! unfucking believable.
I wish I could convey really how important this all is to me. The past with this girl, the good and the bad. The mothering I did, the rescuing of her, the lies I heard, the pain I felt. Two people who meant so much to me could get together and hurt me so bad. But I'm excited. She's alive. No matter what, I guess I'll always be a sucker. Mac told me I need to forgive. I always forgive, that's me, after time passes the pain diminishes, christ I've forgiven him. But he faced up to the truth, we've done alot talking. I want to know what she's done the past 5 yrs, I want to tell her everything thats happened to me. I want her to know my son, to see how awesome he is. Geez she could have her own kid. At this point I have no idea what the email she sent me says, because I cant access it. I have no money to even become a gold member. I sent her a email and in the subject line put my yahoo address, so maybe she will email me there. Who knows. Maybe this is all some kind of a joke. Maybe I'm being set up to only be walked again. I do know one thing now, I am older and wiser, but I'm always there for a friend in need.
I could go on and on about this but i have to get some work done. Oh and this is the fucking person I knew my horoscope was talking about. I even said that in that particular post. I'll link it when I find it.

UPDATE:
She called, unbelievable. Im shaking. Any worry is gone. It was so great to hear her voice. I don't if there is enough time in the world to catch up on everything and she is so far away. We both were fighting for air talking. I've been waiting for this day, I just can't believe its finally here. I wish I had money to hop on the next plane out there so we can just talk and talk and talk... god Im such an idiot listen me...

oh and I just THE hottest guy in my office: project find out who the hell he is and snag is underway! Got to get to work don't know I can concentrate, my life just took a huge turn; for the best, I hope!

this makes my heart melt

more later, must get some work done. but damn I love that man, pathetic I know.

The monday after

Well St. Patty's Day sure wound up to be a good one, with not too many regrets. The night started at the brewery, drinks were drank laughs were had. Damn my ass looked good! LOL.. hey it's not everyday I feel that way so allow me to gloat a little. My old friend Josh met up with us there. I made a new girl friend, this really sweet girl. She invited me over to her dinner party the next night, which I happily excepted. And get this she actually called me the next day. I felt like I had given a guy my number and he called it was funny. I wasn't able to attend dinner though (more later). We headed down to town to the new bar that just opened. I knew the FB would be there. I knew I shouldn't have gone, I knew he would only hurt me. I had already demeaned myself earlier in the evening by texting him that I was shaved, trimmed looking hot, and ready to fuck..nana..
pathetic I know. I added the nana, so he knew I was out on the prowl, but he also knew it would only take one phone call from him, for me to succumb. God I should not even admit to this.
So yea he was at the 2nd bar as expected, by the time I arrived I was feeling good for a number of reasons. I did my own thing, but I did grab his dick and tell him he no chance with the skank he was talking to, and she couldn't do him like I could...again pathetic I know. Laughable now, hindsite is always 20/20... amazing how drugs and alcohol make you act and feel.

Did some dancing, I didn't hang out there to long. My friend and I were content to go to my place and chill. Got home at like 11:00. Called the Ex didn't leave message. No reason to call, just did cause I could. He quickly text me, asking what was up, that he was in a bar. I didn't respond, because I had no real reason to call, I was just feeling good, and of course missing him as usual. Well he then called me shortly after that . The band was in Boston I believe, he was walking home from a bar. I told him I was trying to take a pic earlier of me in my thong to send him, but was unable to. The ass shot with a camera phone is not easy. He was all disappointed. After we hung up, he texts where are those pics at?..LOL..damn, I jumped up handed Josh my phone and was like ok, be a good friend a take 2 pics of my thonged ass..lol.. he happily obliged, and I sent the Ex (amongst others) the pics. His reply? ... Nice...Just as I remembered. ha..*sigh* damn!! I know what/who he was looking at that night alone in bed, makes me happy, but so damn sad at the same time.

Josh left at like 4am, as another guy friend came over. Hmmm dont know what to refer to him as... how about BB for brewery boy. BB and I have hung out a few times, probably even referenced him here under another abbreviation, but lets start over now shall we. He brought some wine, beer, and good company. We made a quick errand run, came back and settled in. I such a good time with him. We both got a few things off of our minds from our previous experiences with eachother. I was so worried about his impression of me because of those previous experiences, but it appears I have NOTHING at all to be worried about. And he proved how nice of a guy he is that night.

There is so much more I'd love to document but am unable to on here. Guess I 'll save that for on paper. Let's just say though I broke the record from last St. Patty's, my day didnt end till Sat night and it took a few more twists and turns through out the day. The best part? The FB has/had no real part in my evening, let alone my good time!

The FB however did prove ONCE AGAIN the asshole he truly is on Sunday. By repeatedly calling me, and when I didn't answer he started texting mean things about "my boy" finally I call asking him what the hell he is talking about. He was talking about his "connection" who failed to meet him when he said so. The FB was thinking that I was bitter towards him so I told "the man" not to meet up with him.... ahh the minds of strung out partiers. Did I mention this takes place at 9am in the morning....I had been sleeping, he on the other hand.hmm ...lol... he had the nerve to call me a crack head. Well I firmly (yelled) informed that I could less about him, therefore I am not bitter, nor have I talked to the man in weeks... and how dare he call me a crack head considering the reason he was calling pissed off anyway. I told him to fuck off. and hung up.
Guess I hurt his feelings cause then he got really mean, and immature, Texting me to take a hint and beat it.. then tells me... Sorry, I love you but ur not 4me. I feel freedom yes? yes!
Ugh, this man is 33 yrs old. I didn't respond. It didn't warrant one. It hurt.. It for a number of reasons...but at least I know the truth in the matter and truthfully he is fucked in the head.
Sunday evening was not fun at all, but Im waiting for me to get pics to post that fucked up night. let me sat though the ex's girlfriend?- what a fucking baby.

tata

The one in which I piss and moan about the FB....

But first Happy St. Patrick's Day!! Drinks @ Sly Fox tonight!

Can't wait, I feel like I haven't been out in so long. I don't know what my night has in store for me. Maybe nothing much at all, maybe so. Time will tell. Best case scenerio. #1 crush will be there, or maybe a new crush will appear. Worse case scenerio, I wake up with that tall black man beside me.... is that really the worse case scenerio? To some, guess it depends how you look at it. But I'm not calling him no matter how crunk I am.

The FB. You thought he was gone huh? Or that I've just been keeping in under wraps. Well I guess he is gone. I'm suppose to be happy about this, this is what I wanted. But I feel so fucking pissed off about it. It's so messed up. I did really well last week. Ok, there was Tues night when I wielded my sexual power over him to then turn around and leave. I spoke with him briefly last Fri. at 2am, you know those calls, when your on the hunt. Thankfully shortly after I spoke with him I came to my senses. No desire to call on Saturday. Sunday morning picked him up at this boy A1's house. We spent the day together, blah blah, blah. I was probably too honest about my feelings, or lack there of. I went to work Monday, came home he had straigntened up my apt. and did the dishes. We had dinner I took him to practice sealed it with a kiss, then POOF he's gone. Of course I get drunk just about everynight this week, and of course he is the one I want to talk to, to "see". Assshole doesn't pick up the phone, or return my texts. Again I say: I should be happy with this, this is what I wanted. But I am a attention whore, as well as a power trippen one! And this girl has neither right now, and I'm hurtin... serves me right I know. I'm being honest here though. If I can't be honest with myself who can I be? Angi is happy about this, everytime I talk to her she goes, have you talked to Pat? Me: no, but I tried to call him though. Then she gets all disappointed. Same with my family. I'm just an over needy person. I can't even tolerate watching tv this week, I go home and go to bed when TLM does. I realize I'm just going through changes. New apt., and what not.... Why can't I just be content to be alone. The FB had to all go and flip the script on me.. I guess I should send him a Thank You note...haha


Oh I failed to jot down the fact that I was stood up again, by the same fucking person this week. How pathetic and desparate am I to give the flaming asshole a second shot at me, ME damn it! Pfft!!!

Oh please make tonight a good one!!

On another note: I was thinking how weird for my birthday in 04; the EX bought me 2 CD's one was howwthorne heights, the other fall out boy, now not 2 yrs later he on a tour with those bands... coincidence...hmmm?
Damn there was something else I needed to spurt and I can't remember. hmm

2nd post of the day!

whats with all these multiple posts!! here is another!


This is what I get for not shoving any shit up my nose, a sinus infetion that won't quit! My head is killing me. I feel like I'v been up for days blowing lines, when in fact I've been so good I'm quite proud of myself! I wish I could go buy some sudafed. I'm going to my bro's for dinner tonight so hopefully I can scarf some meds from him.

So yea I've been a good girl. It hasn't been that hard. I've been slightly tempted to pick up the phone and call some people I know that I could easily influence, but I've been enjoying going to bed early and getting to work on time. Funny my head is still pretty screwed up. Now that I'm relatively sober (I still drink my wine) my brain has been obviously betraying by letting me think about the past and what I don't have way too much. That's just me though!

I'm heading to Virginia soon for a weekend. I'd like to go in 2 weeks, but I'm thinking I probably won't be able to go for 3. If I hold off for 3 weeks, I could probably leave early on a Friday, and stop in our Annapolis office to do some work, that way I'll be halfway there. D.C. traffic is the absolute worse. the last time I drove down to see Mac, it took me over 5 hrs due to traffic. Uh huh, Mac, going to see Mac. this could turn out horribly, Im thinking expect the worse, get the best....I talked to him on the phone last night, and lets just say I was a bad girl. Damn wine, I drank too much of it..lol This girl needs the real thing, some good lovin.

I dreamt about going to the Fall Out Boy show on Sunday. I dreamnt that I forgot my camera to take pics of the Ex on stage, and the Ex's girl forgot TLM headphones. Also in my dream, someone was talking about how one of the bands in the show had gone through 5 bundles of heroine! weird... I guess because From First to Lasts new album is call heroine. I getting excited about the show on Sunday. Not sure what to expect. I know The Ex is up first. His girl will be there, I'm bringing TLM. The Ex may take TLM home after FFTL is done. this is the best case scenerio for me cause then I get to stay and see Hawthrone Heights, All American Rejects, and Fall Out Boy... Such a commercial concert, but Im dork, and Im excited... The fall out boy cd actually has really grown on me. Not sure how Im getting into the show and what not.... The Ex said he would meet us, I guess I'll wait to find out the logistics. Oh what to wear, I mean I have to look like a MILF right, all these young boys in bands...lol

Few more weeks till the Taking Back Sunday show too!! yipee. Oh and there new CD is out at around the same time...ahh I love the spring time, now if it woud just hurry up and get here.
tata for now!

Memories..more

Karen,
I may not remember everything you say to me, but everyday I am reminded of how much I love you. Everything I see somehow reminds me of you. All the things I do and accomplish, I want you to hear about it first. I find myself grinning from ear to ear just over something you said or a picture of you in my head. That never happened before. I Love You so much, and I hope this week will be one we can remember, and talk about for a long time!
I love you- Matt

Aren't things so beautiful, fresh, and new at the begining of a relationship? That little diddy, was written inside of a card from Sept, 2000. I brought in a photo album to work to show my co-worker a pic, inside of my photo album was this card. It was from The Ex (babys daddy). Out first vacation together, and it happened to fall on my birthday. I was so excited coming home from work that day, at the top of his steps was one of those Beta fish plant thingy's with the card attached. Inside the card he drew a little fighting fish, under his note.. He went behind my back and met up with a co-worker of mine to get me he the fish/plant thingy cause I had been talking about it.
Our vacations was great he had rented a nice place on the beach in the outer banks..... a few after is when he asked me to move in.
I don't know why I feel the need to put this out there. But I'm just going through so much in my head lately. It's been so long since I've been loved like that. Taken care of, feeling that no matter what he would always be there for me. Ugh, don't you wsh you could just shut it off sometimes, the thinking?

yes another post.. I cant help it!

I so can't concentrate on work today... not that, that is abnormal but still annoying.
The hearing from my old high school boy has me thinking of all kinds of things.... he started it, not me!
He emailed me that he has some pics of me that would probably get me hooked up real fast. First I was thinking what a jerk, whats wrong with my pics; then I remembered. I have a set of 8x10 black and whites of me naked from senior yr in high school. I haven't forgetten about these pics, matter of fact I show to alot of people. (there pretty tasteful, nothing to graphic) I had forgotten that he was the one who took them. Then I asked wait a minute you have your own set.? I was under the impression that I was only one. hmm!!
So now I can't help but remember the whole relationship and how many firsts it represents in my life.
He was the first guy I set my sights on, and just knew I couldn't get. He was too cool, everyone like him, as well as the girls, I was just a nobody. Hmm and he was one of those skater boys.
Then one Friday night I was cornered by him in the local diner where everyone hung out and drank coffee and he asked me out. I about died. From the first date we were together 2 yrs. he being 2 yrs ahead of me in school, soon graduated after we started dating. Start date of Karen begining to skip school on a regular basis. Dad would drop me off in the front of the building.. I'd run through the school, and meet the boy in the back.
I meet my best guy friend through him, and we are still friends to this day... my best guy friend was there for me through all my tears when the boyfriend broke up with me, again and again.
I got the H.S. boyfriend high for his first time... we took acid for the first time together.. my Dad found out shortly afterwards while shopping in the local pharmacy. There were 2 people in the next isle talking about how M and his girlfriend ate acid over the weekend. Can you imagine the horrible luck that was mine. My Dad sat me down had a serious talk with me.. blah blah blah...I never cared for acid anyway.
First vibrator bought boy the high school boyfriend, funny thing is never used it until we broke up. That is when I had my first orgasm. thanks h.s. boyfriend. thank god, I never realized what I was missing.
he was the first boy to buy me jewelry.. an emerald and diamond tucked in a dozen roses..."pre-enagement" haha..kids!
I can't listen to Tori Amos- Under the Pink with out thinking about all the crying I did to that CD, and all the games of Tetris I played to take my mind off of the boy who broke my heart. My dad would walk into my room and I would just be sitting there crying and crying.
Even though we broke up prior to me graduating high school, I still followed. I went to Peirce College across from Univ. of the Arts (his school) we remained friends. It was weird I never thought I'd be able to do that. And through him, not even a month after moving to college.. is where I met that "other" boy. You know the one Mac... the one who makes me giggle, and gets me hot and bothered on the phone.
After meeting him my life took on a whole another route.... but thats another story.
the h.s. boyfriend was the one there for me when Mac left Philly to go back to Virginia..
he was also there for me when I was taken advantage of and wound up having to go planned parent hood. he let me spend the night at his apt. and let me cry the night before my procedure.
Good friends are hard to come by.

Funny these 2 guys, who have meant so much to me, who have helped shape me into the person I am today, are both back in my life in some type of way. I mean they've always been there. Its just, oh I don't know, feels funny, like funny weird. Oh I have a funny weird thing... so my sons b-day is the same as h.s.boyfriends, and his name is Mac backwards. lol

I'm a lucky girl, I need to remember that, and just because I've been with a particular asshole this past year, I have the ability to do better. I will do better, I know he's out there somewhere. In the meantime it is nice to catch up with old friends.

hmmm

My sinus’ hurt so bad, really just the left side, but nonetheless it hurts! I keep waking thinking I will feel better, but never do.

So remember that post I wrote awhile ago about my horoscope saying someone from my past will reappear? Well I received a similar horoscope again! Yesterday I had a my space friend request.. guy seemed like a total freak… started checking out his page…had a pic of his brother and Im like dang his bro ain’t bad. When I enlarged the pic, I realized the “freak” who emailed me was my high school boyfriend. HA… not a freak at all, well maybe to some. Crazy ass shit. I saw him back before summer, he looked totally different. Apparently he has moved and is no longer engaged.. which would explain the appearance difference ? Another funny thing is TLM is going to be going to the daycare his mom helps run. So hmmm is this the person making reappearance in my life? I’m not talking romantically, just in general.

Feeling blue today… Feeling excited yesterday. Up down Up down constantly. Sick of being lonely, sick of being poor, sick of being me.

Daryl Palumbo..

I just feel the need to exclaim that listening to glassjaw and darryl sing fucking turns me on… fucking hot! I don’t know what my problem is today, I cant stop thinking of sex.
Yea Im working hard blasting some old glassjaw in the headphones…. You may be more familiar with head automatica that who he’s singing with now… love them too, just glassjaw, is so hard.


got the net at home now, be on tonight!

my life is so interesting I tell ya!

Wow, this girl was stood up y’all! Can you believe it…LOL…laugh with me now. It was so weird. I was feeling a little weird in the first place. Angi kept looking at me like I wasn’t going to give the guy a fair shot, I said I was. I was going wasn’t I? So I head to the brewery on time. Knowing he was probably going to be a few minutes late, since he had called to tell me. I figured I could sip down one Weiss for the nerves ya know? Note: I went the bar with NO money. Ok, get there 6:30, 6:45 he calls he’s on his way. (he’s less than 5 mins mind you) 7:pm, I call Angi, um Angi if I get stood up you have to come and pay my tab, Im on my 2nd beer, its been a half an hour. 7:10 phone rings its him, pick up, he’s gone, call back; NO ANSWER.. hmmmmm. By this time I’m joking with everyone in the bar about being stood up, hahaha what a hoot! The bartender tells me not to worry about the tab, you know previous FB2 is manager….tee hee… be “good” to your bartenders. So I duck out at 7:15, after waiting for 45 min. Wait my phone rang again at some point, I answer he’s not there, I call back no answer. At 7:20 I call leave a message, stating that I was perplexed, but don’t bother calling back.

Weird ass shit I tell ya! I go back to Angi and Andy’s. I got a buzz from 2 F’n beers. You know who walks in as I get there, and you know who I want to take home to make me feel better. Damn he looked good, damn the FB, damn him. damn alcohol. So I grab “him”& say your coming home with me right? He tries to resist as he’s growing in my hand as he’s speaking, ahh the power. He tells me to wait till 9:00 after practice. Well by the time 9:00 came, I came to my senses and got the hell out of there. Took TLM home, and went to bed. The other “boy” called I didn’t answer. I’m not interested. Nor do I let some nobody embarrass me. I got a weird story out of it though, I’m sharing it.

So I decided to stay in this evening. I know what going out will lead to and I want to have a good weekend. I’m going to my Pops for burgers on the grill this evening and I may do a little late night unpacking and laundry. I want to try and find a kitten this weekend as well as some bathroom rugs and what not. I’m so looking forward to the weekend!!! I’m so happy right now. Wish me luck on my interview.

craiglister boy here I come!

I've received a overwhelming response to my personal so much so that I deleted it today after 2 days, I received about 50 responses. I can't even respond to a quarter of them. Granted most are likely sleeze balls, and I've seen some sleeze balls. I've emailed a few, but one inparticular I couldn't stop typing in my response. We then proceeded to IM the rest of the afternoon at work, THEN talked on the phone for 2hrs later that night. Damn I feel like a girl in high school. all giddy and shit...LOL... I still don't have a real good take on him yet. But tonight should seal the deal. I'm meeting him for a drink at 6:30 at the Brewery for about an hour. I figure hell the brewery is the safest place; I know every single person there! Andy and Angi will watch TLM and I will leave all necessary info. with them. I'm not sure what to expect. eek!! This is crazy. So needless to say I haven't talked to any other responses I've receive but hot damn I know what to do if I need to make myself feel better!!

Still battling this cold...tomorrow night should be fun we are going to see Big Green at Rex's. Momma is gonna party it up... and not pay for a thing. Damn I better feel better!

I had a great talk with the EX on the phone the other night,. Did I write that in here yet? I called him all drunk. Better him then the FB.. The Ex and apologized to eachother, said we never want to fight like that again. I told him we shouldn;t even talk to eachother as much as we do and about the shit we talk about. But he doesn't agree. he doesn't see anything wrong. I don't know. I apologized for calling and crying to him, he said I never need to apologize to him or thank him. hmm whatever I guess.


Ok, well gotta go
tata

Craiglist

Ok, who has experience/a story about craiglist? I posted a personal ad this morning, and have gotten like 14 responses in 2 hours. I only responded to a few. It's scary, but exciting!

Oh, I can't breathe, or stop coughing! I'm so sick! ugh!

welcome home!

Well I’m still alive, getting sicker by the moment…this sucks. So the move is done, thank the Lord. It was a hell of a week. I was off work last Tues, then TLM was sick stayed home Thursday with him. Started the move on Weds, did a few trips everyday. I was totally freaking out all week long. I mean a complete spaz. I can’t help but turn in to a bitch when I’m stressed. And although it isn’t fair, I take it out on everyone around me! As much as I was fretting about Saturday which was the biggest day of the move, it all worked out, thanks to some people who I suppose really care about me. The FB not being one of them! Big surprise there! Andy came through with the pick up truck, and my friend Ed came up so I had to boys to help, and me. Andy son was there too. I sent TLM off to G.G-Mom’s, to get him out of the way. My girlfriend Angela came up in the evening, and we unpacked a little. Ordered pizzas, watched a scary movie, drank a case of beer. Sunday I had to get up and go to the old apt. and clean. F’ing sucked!! We there for 3 hrs. I’m so glad I had my Grandmom and Angela to help me. By the time the 3hrs was up I didn’t care what wasn’t done, I just wanted to get out of then and get some sleep, as well as some food. Have I said yet that I love my new place? I love that I’m living in my home town. I love that my dad and step mom are up the street as well as my Sis, and my Grandmom! It’s different living in an apt. complex, but so far so good. TLM keeps saying that he is happy too. I can’t wait till spring time. My work commute now is 45 mins, not real bad, that’s a no traffic commute. I’m lucky that I don’t have to travel any highways, because they all suck!

So the FB and I are done once again. This time hopefully for real. I have no real desire to see or speak to him. He let me down big time. But then again, I expected it. Nor did I want to continue the relationship, just kept hanging on cause I needed help with the move. He can no longer walk to my place, which is a relief. I’m ready to start my new life now.

Tonight the unpacking commences. I plan on getting all the clothes in my room hung up and put away. My Dad is supposed to come over with his wife. I told him I wanted a bottle of wine for a house warming gift..lol. I can’t wait to get home.

Oh I wasn’t able to upload my pics last week so here are some! The top is Angi and I, of course me and the FB here... and the boy breakdancing is fucking awesome, you should seen him. He is super talented. He and his girl came back after the show and hung out.
Here is Angi and Joe, tell me this girl doesn't look wasted! Not to mention hot! And then one more of me and two really great guys from the "circle of friends" . tata

Happy Tuesday! I’m off tomorrow, yippee! Going to sign the lease for the new APT and will be starting the move. I will be starting to pack tonight! I know crazy, huh. I just love waiting till the last minute. I finally got packing tape, and some more boxes today. I plan on getting a lot accomplished this evening. It’s good we’re staying home tomorrow, TLM is getting a cold, he was barking like a seal this morning.

This weekend was great. I had a lot of sleep to catch up on, but I’m finally caught up. I went to happy hour as planned on Friday. Phew, was I in a silly mood. Drank 3 pints and was feeling quite buzzed. So what did I do, of course I made a quick run, and came back to the bar. I was have having a good time, what can I say!! TLM came home at 9:45, and we went to bed around 10:30. I wasn’t THAT bad!!

Saturday night was awesome. I felt awesome, damn I looked awesome. Ok, so my face is constantly shiny- I can’t do anything about it!!! We went to a local dive bar, because the guys were playing and it was Andy’s birthday. The bar sucked, ceilings are way to low and it way to smokey in there. This girl flirted her ass off, danced, sang, fell off stools. Hilarious I tell ya. The stool was totally not my fault…lol…. My heel got caught in the bottom wrung and I fell forward. It was quite a site. One only I could make…;p
Afterwards this couple came over for a couple hours, it was nice hanging with people other than the FB, I was sad when they left, but it was 4:30 in the morning.

Here are the pics from the night. B-boy was break dancing to the band playing, it was awesome he is awesome. He borrowed my scott henry cd that night I must not forget!!

Im in a real hurry so I cant say much else!