My Baby is growing up!

Cam started Kindergarten yesterday, with no tears shed. Today however was a different story. He was not cooperative with me at all this morning. I try to stay positive for him, telling him that he will make friends, just like he did at his old learning center. I tell him these are the kids you are going to go to school with for a long time. That in life you go through changes but you have to be strong, and roll with it; things are always fun or easy.. Everything in his world right now is either boring or unfair. Those are the two words I hear most and quite frankly sick of!! I tell him how proud I am of him, and how smart he is. The kid speaks like an adult sometimes. He cracks me up with some of the things he says. Last night he was saying that he can’t wait to get to high school because there are cheerleaders, and cheerleaders wear short skirts. But the way he said it, the tone, I was dying. I’m all like where do you come up with this stuff. He then commenced to tell me he had a dream about two people kissing ON a car… what the!!! I was like no you didn’t; he very adamantly said he did. He was giggling so hard, it was freaking adorable. I don’t what kind of little freak that I am raising though.

Everything else is going well. I am still totally loving my job. Finances still suck. I walked the last two days at lunch. There is like a 40 mile bike path behind my work so I walk one mile one way then back. I’ve worked up quite a sweat too! Sweat is good, that means you’re doing something. I walk super fast! Oh speaking of super, I went and saw Superbad, and I personally LOVED it. Hilarious. I did feel a little old in the very beginning with all the curse words (I know I was shocked at myself too) I just love that Michael Cera, he is freaking adorable!

I am still missing my cable something serious, ohh cable how I love you so! Blockbuster, is upping there online rates and minimizing the in store exchanges and THAT sucks. I made payment arrangements with Comcast, now I just wait.

Vacation is just under 2 weeks away, OH and my birthday is Sept 9th….I am off from the 8th to the 13th. C and I are going to Plymouth Mass. For 3 nights. I am excited!!!!!

Feeling lonely

I should JUST be happy; why is that so hard? I mean I always say that I just want to be loved. Why must I find things to be unhappy about? Should I just be happy that I have him, and that he loves me. It’s really not his fault that he is so busy. It’s my fault for dating a Veteran (who is very involved) a FT firefighter, and a father. I know every week isn’t this horrible. I keep thinking vacation is coming, but then I keep thinking, is this the life I want. Is it really that bad? Am I still just struggling with the changes in my life? What is so horrible about getting my life on a practical schedule? Why not have a spotless house, I’m home enough. I should have 2hrs of cleaning time on a weekend, laundry, and plan out my meals for the week. But I need filler for the week nights. I am a lonely person who needs attention.

This week, he worked 24 hrs starting Sunday early am. Arrives home Monday morning, does his thing. Monday night, it’s a meeting at the firehouse, no he can’t come over afterwards he has to stay around because he needs to start taking calls at the volunteer house. (which he has been seriously negligent due to me) Then its back to work Tues early am, TILL Thurs 4-5pm. So he’ll arrive at my house most likely around 8:00. I get 3 hrs then bed. Friday he is doing some golf outing with the firehouse or vet. assoc. I don’t remember which one. I asked can I expect to be taken to dinner; nope he’ll be arriving late Fri. night. Sat plans, nope, he goes back to work for a 24 hrs shift Sat am. Sunday? Who knows? Then back to work Mon. am for 48hrs. The following week he has his daughter for like 9days. (this does not upset me) Granted these extra 24 hr shifts are not normal, someone is on vaca. So he is filling in. But it fucking sucks dude. In a weeks time I get what 7hrs of face time. And don’t let me rehash last week’s schedule. That was just as bad.
I am an inpatient person. I’ll be the first to admit it. I’m also selfish. The poor guy is running himself ragged, I feel bad for asking for time. What the fuck is up with that.
I just needed to vent. I really want to cry though. I am impossible.

Monday Blues

Hope everyone had a great weekend. Mine was pretty good. It started out badly though.
I couldn’t wait to get out of here on Friday. After I vented on here, I felt surprisingly better, and couldn’t wait to see C that evening. I was going to go to Josh’s to chill and kill time with Cam, but once I got home I turned into a cleaning freak. I couldn’t sit down. I got my groceries unpacked, cleaned the shower, did all my dishes, changed the kitty litter, vacuumed, and misc. straightening up. I put a London broil in the frig. to marinate; as well as some cut potatoes. I got a shower blew out my hair, has some candles lit. My place looked good, I looked good, I was feeling good. Then I sat, and waited, and waited, as the tears built up behind my eyes, and the knot in my stomach grew tighter, the clock grew later. At ten, I shut off my phone. What the fuck. I’m sitting there thinking about all the things I had written earlier, and the feelings I’ve been having and all I could come up with is that this totally solidifies my feelings. He can’t give me what I want. Whether he is not willing or not able, he just isn’t the one. He showed up at 11:00 reeking of alcohol, and I just didn’t know what to say. I knew he had a meeting but to show up 4hrs after the “meeting” started- I was pissed. I was afraid if I opened my mouth to speak, it was just all going to come out, and maybe not the right way. Finally I did speak. I laid it all out, everything I written on Friday I said to him. He didn’t leave. Maybe I should have made him; but after we talked I felt incredibly better. I just think there is lack of maturity, a smidge of stupidity, and on top of all that there is me and I’m crazy.

Saturday the 3 of us went to my Dad’s as planned. It was ok. I feel so disconnected from him and his wife sometimes. I always just feel like an obligation since I am not his “real” daughter. Got a good buzz on while there, then we headed to Zern’s and got a bunch of goodies. Zerns use to be a favorite hang out back in high school we would smoke up and go people watch. There are some funky ass people there. Oh zerns is indoor flea market, you can get all kinds of stuff. I like to purchase my incense there, and trail mix. C got some ring bologna, and cheese. Cam got ice cream. On our way home we picked up MORE wine and drank that. Right as we were finishing it A&A called they were coming over. Well it took them over an hour to get there and I was beat, all I wanted to do was go to bed. Angi is all like but I want to hang out!! So I let them in, they brought more wine AND a six pack. We played some cards; I was promptly in bed at 1:15. I can’t hang with out my magic powder. Needless to say I was feeling quite hung over Sunday morning.

Sunday I spent the entire day at my Bro’s house, and I enjoyed myself!! My SIL had a jewelry party. I went ahead booked one too!! I’m going to have one in October. I can’t wait!! Something mature to plan for…lol.
Oh Cam gave me a black eyelid this weekend, little punk! He accidentally hit me with a wiffle ball bat while at my Dad’s. It fucking hurt

It's a long one.

Ok I said at 3 o’clock I would take a break from work and type up an entry. What exactly I’m going to write about I’m not positive. I really have to be censored now when writing, too many people have this site addy now. I know it’s my own fault. But it’s not my fault that the new boyfriend knows it, and this really screws me; because there some shit I’d love to get off my chest. Anyway I’ll write what I want, fuck em all!!

Work has been going great. I really like it here. Yea, you have your typical bitching about your job, and people screwing up, but hey that’s work! I’ve acquired new responsibilities, and that makes me happy. I think people are really pleased with how I pick up things, and am eager to do whatever they ask. Month end is always the busiest, and most hectic, but I love it! I feel so fat now that I’m here too. The amount of food I eat on our free lunch days (2x a week) is way too much. I have to cut down my portion sizes. What can I say this girl loves to eat; and when she is not eating I’m usually drinking. Oh I do drink a lot of water while working, so that’s good.

Cam starts kindergarten in about a week. Yikes! He is really concerned about being sent to the principals office for getting an F. I told him first off, you don’t get F’s in elem. school. 2ndly you don’t get sent to the Principals office; and third you shouldn’t be scared of the principal, you should be scared of Mom and Dad if you get an F. Then we proceeded to talk about being grounded and all that comes with it. Lol He has recently learned to tie his shoes; thanks to either Kirsten or Matt. He insists on tying them himself now. He really is growing up; but he is still every much a Momma’s boy. When he is home with me, he is up my butt 24/7. I tell him I know you don’t do this at Daddy’s or don’t do this for Daddy and goes I know. Sometimes it’s very frustrating being the only enforcer in the house. Like my Mother I have a tendency to freak out; my patience level is very low. I do however make a point that when I do get upset, or he does get sent to his room, we always discuss it after we have both had some time to think about it. I don’t think that happened when I was little. I find myself acting like my Mom, so much. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad; regardless it freaks me out. Speaking of Mom, damn I miss her. But I’m not being the one to apologize. She betrayed me, whether she felt her reasoning’s are justifiable, she betrayed me AGAIN, I want an apology not an excuse. Apologies are few and far between. And she has to see that ratting my drug problem out to my brother did absolutely nothing to help me let alone our relationship. She had the ability to be my parent, but she had to push that parenting off on to someone else. Christ I wasn’t out robbing people for drugs; I was in no worse shape than she was at my age. And look at me now, just as I always predicted I’d pull myself out of it

This week was a week of stress financially. I got paid on the 15th, and still didn’t have enough money to pay my rent. I was about to do one of those payday loans when a friend called. She instructed me not to do that, and instead lent me $300.00. This enabled me to cover the rest of my rent, 100$ for Electric, groceries, and 2 out of 3 prescriptions filled. And a few bucks left over. What a fucking relief. We are going over all my outstanding bills and personal debt this weekend and make a plan. See I am digging out, it’s just tight. I do see relief in my future.


Hmm now what? Oh I guess I’ll write about C. I’m feeling slightly perplexed when it comes to him. I love him, he’s great. But am I forcing something? I want what I want. And whether this is ideally what I want, hmmm well I’m starting to think about it. I’m horrible. He is truly involved with his causes, and I think that is great, admirable, noble all those good things. But that’s just it I’m not “good” matter of fact I a mess nor do I like being 3rd fiddle. I’m still dealing with my issues from the past 2.5 yrs; as is he. But our issues are so opposite the spectrum. Sometimes when I talk its like talking to a wall, he’ll respond with starting a whole new conversation about something else. Because he doesn’t know what to say, or doesn’t care. I’m not use to this. We have a lot fun when we are together. I love being out with him and watching him from a distance when he doesn’t know it. Ugh this all so confusing.
I got into an email argument with a friend yesterday, because I showed some excitement about the fact that Pat is on work release. Then another friend kind of backed up what he said. But I don’t think it’s true. I don’t want Pat in that way. Is it so wrong to care about someone, and to be happy for them knowing that they are happy? Yea he has done a lot of shitty things, but does he really deserve to be locked in a cell? He has moved on, I have moved on. It is so unbelievable that it may be fucking hard to go from one extreme (guy) to another???? My life totally was off track, and its slowly getting back on. I can’t change overnight. I can’t forget everything overnight damn it!!! I miss things I do, I am fucking human. There are things I don’t miss as well. I do miss him constantly trying to prove his feelings for me, buying my love, fucking the hell out of me all the while telling me how amazing I am at this or that, being available to me 90% of the time. Yes, they are all very selfish things I just wrote, but damn it, it’s how I feel. I don’t miss it enough to go back to it; that is not happening. I’m saying these things take time. I guess I am just totally screwed in the head. Will I ever not be? My head was so fucked with, and so well manipulated I’m afraid I’ll never be normal. I printed out the directory from my health insurance; I’m getting some MH help. It is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time.

Ok enough of that crap. Let me wrap this up. It’s Friday, and I’ve typed fuck a lot in this entry..lol… I was getting all pissy. I have Cam this weekend. C is coming over tonight for the night. He’ll probably leave early morning with some lame ass excuse, then return in the afternoon. The 3 of us are going to my Dad and Tracie’s for dinner; and Sunday I am going to jewelry party at my SIL. What I totally average grown up weekend. But first I get to go buy groceries! And High School Musical 2 is on tonight, so Cam and I might head to Josh’s to watch some of it. Yea, my cable is still out.

Post Secret

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6rTkp1dek4

The song is by Sia....

test

Now I agree with some of the traits regarding the Histrionic disorder mainly the top of the paragraph.

Disorder Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: High
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

Quick Summary:
People with histrionic personality disorder are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. Histrionics also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative.

Symptoms of Histrionic Personality Disorder:
Needs to be the center of attention
Dresses or acts provocatively
Rapidly-shifting and shallow emotions
Exaggerates friendships
Overly-dramatic, occassionally theatrical speech
easily influenced; highly suggestible


URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

I'm still alive and happy!

How about that? – Me happy? As happy as I can be..lol. Work is going well. It’s been a busy week and I love it. I’m ready to take on some more responsibility and learn some new things. I’m thinking we may be a team member down soon so more work shall be coming my way, yippee!

Things are going well C. He grows on me more and more every time I see him. That’s what supposed to happen right? I still have a lot of what ifs, and second guess everything. I also having a problem with comparing this relationship with the one I have with Cam’s Dad. I know I shouldn’t do that, and every relationship is different. And these 2 guys are completely different. And it’s only been what 2 months? With Matt everything happened so quickly, I fell for him so quickly. But I also remember second guessing us also. I didn’t think he could fit into “my” little world, and thought maybe he was kinda nerdy. (Shut up, he knows..lol) But he was so kind, and he made me feel so special, and I saw how special he is. With C, he can be so closed off, and distant. Mia tells me it’s a military thing. He does express his feelings, he’s even told me he loves me (yes, already!), but I still feel very self conscious around him, and that I’m not good enough, thin enough, clean enough (my house) and that may be he jumped the gun a little bit. It’s hard to get him to open up. It’s even harder when most of our time is spent on the phone. We are horrible on the phone together. I can’t stand talking on the phone with him; I much prefer to have him in front of me. Anyway… the last two weekends we go to spend more time together. Last Friday was great. We went to see my friend’s band play up in Reading, and Angi and I got drunk!! We rocked out. Sunday He and I went to a Polish Fest. in a neighboring town, more drinking was done. By the end of the weekend I was sick of beer. I can’t believe it either!! My beer belly is growing.

I stayed in all of this week. I haven’t even been to A&A’s house. I worked late two nights. Cam threw up at the restaurant we were at last night, which was not fun. Some friends came over Tues. I didn’t get to bed till like 1:30, and the room was spinning. I got a few friends “stopping” in this evening; but no one is staying long. I need my time with my man. I haven’t seen him all week, and he works this whole weekend. We are going away on Sept. 10 for 3 nights I can not wait. Where exactly we are going is up in the air. It could Sea Isle NJ, The Cape, Mass. Or Rehoboth – my favorite place. The specifics are still being worked out; but I guess you can say this will be a true test.

Lets see, hmm what else. I have not talked to Patrick; he hasn’t called A&A’s house. He has his one of his ex girlfriends catering to his needs therefore he doesn’t need the people who have been there for him through everything. Yes, I’m feeling bitter. But in the same instance, I feel relief. Not having to talk to him or see him; has really helped my situation immensely. I am still scared for him though.

Money? Well that’s always an issue. I got my tires though, and that is a relief!!! Still no cable, of car insurance; I’m trying though, it’s just going to take a while.