I should of known.....

it was going to be a bad week. It started off bad. I made a huge mistake by commenting on the step moms blog which linked her to mine. Yes I should have known better. Ive been doing this for almost 4 yrs. I spent most of my Sunday reading through 291 posts to try and sensor what I wrote. But I know no matter how much I sensor it, the damage is done. I try so hard to be someone they like, someone they won't talk about, especially when Cam is there and can hear whether they know it or not. I know I've had a shitty past, and I can't say I'm proud of my present either. I'm a mess, I know. No matter what I do, I can't seem to do the right the thing. One thing I do know for sure I am genuine with how I feel about things today. I don't want my ex, I am very happy with the relationship we have. Sure I wonder what it would be like to raise Cam with his Mom and Dad in the same house but I accept that didn't happen. And the way I look at it the best case scenario came out of it all. Sure I'm the screw up and I'm reminded daily. I also know I have the power to change it. I don't hate on anyone for having it better. I think Cams super lucky to have the two homes that he does. All my past antics will be deleted before he can come across them. Hell if I had a great printer I'd print this out now and delete. I just can't bring myself to do it right now. It kills me that I had to delete all that I did the other day, but oh well the past is the past. i truly am happy that the Ex found his One, I believe I have stated this before. Its never been YOU I disliked. its always been me. I think you know that.

So that's how the beginning of the week started out. Well its only Tuesday, and it really didnt get any better. Obviously I've had some issues in my current "relationship" which I freely documented here. Way too many awkward moments. Im always doing the talking. When a girl feels less confident its a good time to try and make her feel better. That never happened I have a feeling that my lack of confidence was very unexpected, as well as my neediness. I had a funny feeling all day. Three of my bestfriends told me I was silly. Karen, if he didnt like you he wouldn't...yada yada yada... this is what Ive been hearing for 3 weeks. But me being in the situation knows better, duh. I'm just kind of PISSED it didn'tcome to a head Saturday night or even early in the week, when I sent the email. I mean christ you had your out then, why drag it on a few more days? Boys. I got all pretty at the Millers and I smell so good and all I could think about the last 2 days was this evening. And bam thats it. I guess it serves me right. I said below I was only giving it till the end of this week. Hell I said it below, and to my mom, to my friends. Shit I knew already. I jeapordized a very important relationship if not 3 relationships to have my fun. Karmas a bitch, and it bit me. Chalk it up as another experience. Isn't that what I always do? Christ I knew it that first morning. I'm was just to much of puss to face it. The longer you sit and think about it, the more you start analyzing everything. And wondering really what was the underlying reason. I mean, when theres no words being spoken, whats really going through the head.? Im certainly not going to ponder this much, its just the wine at this point. Tomorrow is a new day... on a side note CRAZY ASS SHIT..... AS i FINISHED TYPING THE WORD- TOMORROW-, MIA TEXTS ME: 'girl more than anything I undertand rejection.... tomorrow is a new day (!!!!) U conquered a boy now find a man'........ Hmmf we were thinking along the same lines. God I love my friends!

Needless to say BT#2 is VERY happy. Says finally he can treat me like a lady should be treated. I'm hesitant but will try it out. I will keep him away from Cam for now. I've always had lots of friends especially guys. I don't have sleepovers, nor am I affectionate in front of him. Cam knows he is my number 1 guy. He makes me tell him. He makes me list all my favorite people in order. He is my 1,2, and 3. He is what keeps me going. It makes me sad that I dont have him this week. Totally selfish.


tata
kake

fuck, fuck, fuck

I made a boo boo.... thinking I should just delete this a start anew. Besides I am not the same girl I was in 2005-2007

Waiting

My email I suppose went over well. Did I get a response not really. He concluded (via text) that we should not have serious discussions via instant messaging. He then came over, I guess that meant that all is good. I suppose it was too much to ask for to actually sit down and type out a reply and make feel better. I mean there are number of points in email that could have had some rebuttel. I think Im going to stick with my 2 week time line. Well I guess Im almost at a week. I don't any phone calls yesterday. Hey how babysitting Maia? Was she good for you? How was Cam's game? Did they win? Did he get to play?... Nope not one questions of interest in my life. I can't stop thinking he's just not that into you. Ugh why me???!!!

So it's now Friday, curious as to what the night has in store for me. I just talked to Angi, if she feels up to it, they'll come over and hang out. I'll give Josh a call and Lisa.... 20$ say BT#1 is going out. I refuse to sit home and do nothing. Matter of fact I have my whole morning and afternoon planned tomorrow. As well as going out to dinner tonight with Gmom.

I deserve better than this.

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Open mouth insert foot...

I swear I've had to have used that as a title before.

Ok so BT#2 really kicking into overdrive, making me over analyze everything with BT#1. I mean BT#2 makes many valid points, but is it all under an alterior motive? Yes wants to date me, he wants to do alot of things to me. He says ALL the right things. I mean really. But I can't let go of the fear that is a game to him. I'm an object out of reach. What if I gave up on BT#1 to realize I made a huge mistake? Christ I feel like a fucking teenager. Should these things really be that hard? So I told BT#2 that I need to stop talking to him. I need to think on my own a bit. I was fine last week when we weren't speaking. He said okay bye. then says wow. And thats that. I fired off an email to BT#1 one apologizing and explaining things clearer. So we'll see what happens. Im afraid I may have went to far and freaked him out. If so oh well, I'll go with I was right...lol I'm 33 I'm not 24. I keep trying to remember me at 24 and Matt at 24. We met we were 23. I don't recall thinking of him as clueless. Matter of fact he fell for me, fast, and hard. And now we have Cam. That is part of my problem Im use to guys falling fast and hard. I mean the last one, loved me after one night of rolling around making out, no sex. Yes I realize it wasn't the healthiest of relationships, but I have a lot of great memories and experienced things I never thought I would. But nonetheless it wasnt meant to be.

stay tuned

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kake

kick em to the curb

So I'm thinking, tomorrow I'm gonna just kick it to the curb. Yes I am having fun, but I'm so not good at casual. Casual and intimacy just doesn't go together for me. I feel it is impossible. Well maybe once it's possible, but anything more you are crossinga dangerous line. Here I sit on Monday night, thoroughly enjoying my tv night. How I Met Your Mother was great. Actually felt like I could totally relate. And as happy that I am that Cam is home, I can't help but notice that the phone doesn't ring, or beep. No interest in my day, no real interest in me. Just real interest in fulfilling a need; a want. That's me, always has been. I'll chalk it up as experience.

I know I'm the idiot that brought this on. That is why I will kick it now before I TOTALLY make an ass out of myself. I'm so gullible.

3 glasses of wine.... tee hee

tata!

sad

I can not shake the unbearable sadness I seem to be carrying around today. Shit. I think I was on such high yesterday a natural high, that today it is just impossible for me to be happy. I have the option of going out tonight, and I should. I really feel like crawling into bed and crying. Why must I be so up and down? I'm sure once Im showered and pretty I'll feel better. Receiving attention when Im out will help. I crave it.

Need to vent

My problem is I start to over think things too quickly. Last night so truly enjoyable, but then the sun rises and I feel all stupid again. I don't know what to say. When there is something on my mind and I can't get out verbally I sit there and think and think about it, and it affects my mood. I'm wondring when I go out tonight am I going out as a single girl? Is he going out as a single guy? I don't want to be played. If I'm not there should I worry? Is this a night time thing only? Am I a secret that isnt supposed to get out? Am I embarassing? What is wrong with me?
So many questions with no answers. I feel like I'm up against a wall. I'm not calling, I'm not pathetic.
Must find a ride to the football game.

feeling so down right now.

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Romeo take me somewhere where we can be alone....

Taylor Swift's Love Story has been in my head since I first rolled over this morning.

So all I keep doing is thinking how completely different things are so suddenly, personal life wise. Two weeks ago I was stuck in this vicious cycle with an ex, and completely miserable. But if it wasn't for the vicious cycle I may have not wound up fighting with him and going out that Friday and seeing the people I did. If I didn't see the I people I did, I wouldn't have ran into him the following day, and this past week would never have happened. Ya follow me? A perfectly alligned set of events. . I am not going to stress over it, and over think, just go with it.

I made a killer dinner last night. I think I impressed myself. It wasn't a new dish, so I guess I should have mastered now. Went on a hunt to find the movie True Romance, 3 places. Best Buy had it but it was like 30$, crazy. So I must add it to my queue.

Is it me or is it completely hot when a guy drives a car....LOL... I mean seriously there is something about the control, the agressiveness, confidence.

My lack of self esteem is in full force. I can't seem to stop apologizing and being super shy. This must become annoying. I have had this serious growth face all week, its horrible. Totally embarassing. I feel so sub-par. ugh!

I'm thinking of going for a nap.

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Well here I am again!!

So I finally have internet at home, for the first time ever. I know, weird. I 've been reading through my archives, I think I am well over due for a purging of somes posts. I was bad girl back then. But man so hot....lol . I could say alot changed I could also say alot hasn't. But ya know what? Alot has changed and so have I. Yea I'm still a quirky, giggly, loud mess but I'm older, maybe a little wiser. It may take me a little to get back in the swing of things with writing, I have more to worry about now, Cam is almost 8 yrs old,

What I must blog about right now is a throw back to the old Me and say .......MAN MY BODY IS ACHING RIGHT NOW. I've been with the same guy for almost the last 2 yrs and to finally break it off and move on really feels good. What is happening right now is fun, something I needed. Not fun like to old FB days. Just something not yet complicated. But things always get complicted now don't they? *sigh* I felt very old but at the same time young,hot and damn I dont know stupid. very self conscious. Should of moved slower. So many thoughts right now, I needed to get a few out.

What to do with the rest of the day? I don't really feel like walking anywhere...lol...It is gorgeous weather out everyone is working. Unemployed life can be alonely. I actually look forward to the neighboring kids to arrive home from school. Yesterday 3 of the kids were gathered around me as a waited for my date? ride ? -a boy. They were all in my business, and complimenting me how I looked. Sweet. They chased after the car... LOL. My Mom and I find it funny that I'm the mom with all the kids at her house. I enjoy it most of the time. The constant referring (sp?) gets tiresome. Cam is at his Dad's this week. It is my free week... but today I am just feeling to drained to do anything.
Maybe I'll pop on later.


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Wow who is THAT girl?

over to side of this page. Damn I wished I still looked like THAT! 20-30pds and I could be hot again. I attempted to exercise twice this week, and now I can hardly support my weight, my thigh muscles are so incredibly sore. I took today off but will be back at again tomorrow. My hardest issue is not eating so much. I love eating lately. I'm not working, I'm not driving therefore I am home A LOT. Job possibilities are very small, since I'm not driving. Another 6 months from now Im not sure what I'm going to do. Nevertheless I will persevere. It has been quite a life change these past several months, but come to think of it, it is constantly changing. My car accident repercussions are in affect. I will not be driving until Dec or Jan.. I spent two weekends in Montogemry County jail; which was truly an experience. Eye opening, heart opening, reality slap in the face. I know that I never want to go back there again. I mean who would? It really makes you think while your in there. The girls in there made me sad though, well the girls and the women. What was there story? Where did life go wrong for them, that this is the path they are on. I wish there was some way to get involved. I know I sound stupid, but it really got to me. Oh and the food there is the most awful food I have ever eaten. It has to be the states minimum standard. I didnt eat, I drank my liquids mostly. I'm glad it is behind me.

You know the best part of being with a job and license? It is walking Cam to school every morning. I also walk to pick him up on my weeks that I have him. He has not complained once since Dec. It feels really good to have this time with him. Sometime hange is good, really good. Man reading back in the archives of this blog while in the midst of addiction problems, I see over and over again, how I was going to do better, how I was going to be better. And god damn it I can say I AM better, and it feels fanfuckingtastic!!! I'm still repairing the damage I caused in my life, and I know that this will take some time. But I am optimistic!

I really need to write more.

Mother's Day Weekend

Despite my entry below I had a fabulous weekend. The week leading to it was very stressful and emotional. The 3 of us went away to the mountains over the weekend. Cam exclaimed it was the best vacation ever. That makes a Mom feel good, and it if it wasn't for R it wouldn't have happened. We stayed in a house up in the Poconos, we arrived at like 7:30 Friday night. We went to dinner then back to the house to relax. None of us were up late, but we were all up early. We had some yummy breaksfast at a small cafe called Piggy's. Then we commenced to explore a little. We were told about this place called boulder field. I wasn't expecting what we saw. First it took us like 15 to 20 mins on a dirt road through a park to get to it, and it was massive, see pics. It was awesome, Cam LOVED it. We did some relaxing and Cam took a 2.5 hr nap since he was up at 6am and took in all that fresh mountain air. After dinner Sat. eve, we went for a walk, and it was truly enjoyable. It's times like that, I feel like wow this is it, I am happy. Sat, night was not to enjoyable, but Sunday it was squashed and the boys made me breakfast per Cams request. On our way home we stopped in Jim Thorpe. I have never been there and it was absoulutely beautiful. We took a small walk skipped some rocks, and just took in the scenery in the Lehigh Valley Gorge. Sunday night 5 of us went to dinner. Cam, Ray and I as well as my G-Mom and Ray's Mom. It was a very pleasant dinner. I really wanted some steak but was conscious of the fact that R was kind enough to take us all out. My Grandmother received one phone call on Mothers day from one of her 4 kids. How sad is that? I know my Mom recieved no phone calls, but then again we don't have her number. I hope she was bitter, hell I know she was bitter. I love that Cam has such a special relationship with my G-mom. I tell him that she won't be around forever and he has to take each opportunity and make it a memory. It amazes him that she is 76..LOL
Im feeling slightly sick today. My throat is scratchy and my sinus' are clogging. I had to stay home yesterday because Cam was feeling the same way, and I took him to the Dr. I don't want hm to be sick for his Father's wedding *gulp*

relationships

Ok I have a lot of work to do, but I feel the need to make an entry. I know what I want to say, I just don't know how to put it into words. It's about my current relationship. This relatinship has been a whirlwind from the begining. I have been flip flopping from the begining as well. That is a bad sign right there isn't it? There are times when it seems so right, and this is what I want for the rest of my life, but I can't help but question EVERYTHING. Like why I feel the way I do. It's is hard not to get swept up into someone when they are telling you everything you want to hear. For example, that they love you, want to spend the rest of their life with you, that everything will be ok. That we'll make it through together, I'll help you. Then on top of all that, you get taken out to places, and do things that you could easily grow accustomed to. Just ask my waistline, which has seriously expanded in the last 6 months. I have tried to break things off, seriously. But I'm a pushover , it is one on my many faults and I am a romantic and want to believe in us. I also feel that I'm manipulated, and played with. Everytime I have broken it off, the things you want to hear increase 10 fold. And those things are said because he knows it will work. Then is it my fault that I go back, when you are telling me all the things I want to hear? But all those things that are said, are not mentioned again once the realationship is back on. The other thing that drives me absoulutely crazy is the well I was about to or going to do this Karen, but you went ahead and walked out, or hung up and so on. Do you understand what Im saying. Its a game its like he tries to punish me, for "acting out". I don't know how else to explain it. He has the perfect explanation and answer for everything, adn Im sorry people but that is just IMPOSSIBLE. I am not crazy, and he is not perfect. He likes to make me feel that he is smarter and this causes me to have to be right or try and prove myself right all the time. And it causes bickering. But I can't stand when he says something like so matter of factly and I feel it is wrong and then prove it. Im annoying, I know but I don't like feeling like an idiot.

This is the shit that is going through my head. But when it is good it is good. But I can't help but think my hesitation, and my issues are nagging at me for a reason. And the longer I drag this out the harder it is going to be. Why can't I just be alone? Why can't I just work my ass off, be drug free, be an involved parent and be happy? How come things are so much easier said then done. I just wish I was a stronger person.

Marriage

It's really happening, he is really getting married, and it happens next Friday. I've been ok with it, really I have! I have accepted that we aren't to be together. So why then do I get more irrational as the day draws nearer? I don't want it to bother me, but yet, I have cried the last 3 nights alone at home. Not to mention I've caused arguements between R and I all week long as well. Stupid immature arguements. I can't tell him I think I know why I'm acting the way I am. He wouldn't understand, hell I don't understand. *sigh* Maybe it's not him getting married at all, maybe it is just her fullfillng my fantasy of a wedding. I keep imagining it. I can't stop looking at her myspace, it's torture I know. Is it truly possible for one person to be SO HAPPY? I've even found the registry. I have to stay strong for Cam's sake. He is the best man, and he is excited. I do not want to take that away from him. I think I will feel better once the day has come and gone.

We are heading out of town this weekend, R, Cam and I. We are heading up to the mountains to stay in a house on Lake Harmony. I truly can't wait. It was been a trying week for R and I. I just have so much going on in my mind. How do you enjoy life when there are so many things going wrong in it? Sometimes driving into a tree seems so appealing, or a handful of sleeping pills. Yes, I'm a coward. I've always tried to take the easy route to escape my problems, that is why I'm an addict. I wasn't given the proper tools growing up to handle life's curve ball properly. And that is a quote from my therapist. Bills, DUI, Love, it's all so complicated.

It feels good to write. I miss it. I don't it has been so difficult for me to sit down and try and put some thoughts on paper. I've the FB a few times, and that was therapuetic.

Be back soon

A quick overview

Wow people it is 2008! Happy New Year!! I have been very, very negligent with this blog and alot has happened. Here is my quick re-cap of the last month and half.

Mr. Perfect/Mr.Wonderful, well lets just say I jumped the gun again. Things are just about over. I really don't want to go into it.

The holidays were blah....due to my stupidity of hitting a parked car on the way home x-mas eve from my Grandparents house. And I was 3 blocks from hy house. It was very frightening, my car has been deemed totaled, and towed away. I am currently borrowing a friends car for the time being. There is long road ahead of me due to this. I am not proud of my actions. I thought things were finally going in the right direction for me. I've been thinking postive and staying positive. I have changed my habits, but not good enough. Nothing is ever good enough.

One good thing that has come out of this so far is that I've used my insurance money to pay off some bills. I am finally on track with my rent and intend to stay that way.

What else? I recieved a letter from Pat. It was great to hear from him. He is in my thoughts often. I realize that if he didnt go away I probably never would of cleaned my act up. I am sorry that he is the one suffering.

I attempted to reconcile with my mother , but that didn't really work out. I guess I'm a little bitter about the fact that she won't even give me her phone number. I mean here I am, I reached out to her; which is something I promised I wouldn't do. I wanted her to apologize for once, to admit that she was wrong in breaking my trust. But I put all that aside, and she can't meet me half and give me her phone nuimber. How shitty is that? Keep in mind, she never needed to change it in the first place because of me. Hell I don't even know why she changed it. I never harassed her or anything. The whole situation is just shitty, and she proved to me once again just what type of person/mom she is, or rather isn't.

Cam is doing GREAT! I couldn't be more proud of him. He turned 6 back on Nov 27th. He had a tough time with his Dad being on tour this last round but we all worked together to remain positive. Heck, he got to go to New York and use te tamborine on stage with the band Straylight Run, He has also be able to see his Dad play a few different shows in different venues. There are not too many 6yr olds that can say that. As much as he misses his Daddy, I know he is really proud of him too. Today Cam is doing his first oral report in school, it is on rattlesnakes. He did a run through this morning, I was unbelievably proud of him. He never ceases to amaze me. He is what keeps me going. I've been making great strides in being a better mother. I have been seeing a psychologist regulary and staying away from partying. I enjoy getting up early on Sat & Sun. and getting things done. I feel alot better about myself. I just wish x-mas eve never happened. Alas I will persevere.

So that is my update. Work is going hella slow today. I got my cable hooked back up yesterday, I am looking forward to watching it this weekend. I also am having my Step-Dad and Tracie over for dinner tomorrow. Im going to make a stuffed tenderloin. hmmm hmmmm

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Thanksgiving

I do enjoy the Thanksgiving holiday. Some people dread their dinners, I do not. We are a wacky bunch but we are family, and I am thankful for that. I have a lot to be thankful for this year. My son is doing great in Kindergarten, he is happy and healthy. I am finally back on the right path, I have a great job that I actually enjoy going to. I made a decision to rid myself of a monkey on my back, and although it is still a struggle, I'm doing great. I met an amazing man, who treats me as I should be treated. He encourages me, and is a positive force in my life. I also am extremely thankful for my friends, who with out them I don't know where I'd be. Friends who are there, via the internet, the telephone, or just at their house. I am thankful for my Family. The ones who have stood by me, who haven't given up on me; who continue to support me. I look forward to the coming year, I can see that it is going to be better. I am going to be a better person. Good things are happening.

Lets Chat

This past weekend was great, I mean really, really great. I still can’t help but to second guess everything, second guess him. Is it me being negative, or is it my gut? I hate this feeling. I’m trying to just enjoy, but it just seems so good, it’s impossible to not second guess things.
Friday, I was exhausted; we hadn’t slept that much the night before, and I knew we had plans for cocktails that evening. We decided to skip cocktails at the Warren and stay in, and just relax, but then I got my gift, and then the phone rang, and we just had to go out!I felt a little strange when I first got there, for once I didn’t have much to say, I was just beat. He was whipping up some leftovers, have I mentioned he’s great in the kitchen? Anyway we are talking about our day; he spent half of his in the city with a work friend shopping for the work friend’s wife. He casually said he picked me up something for our one week anniversary. Oh great, I wasn’t creative, or thoughtful enough to come up with something! I was suddenly very nervous; my eyes started darting around his place. He said -well I know you said you wanted a new purse, I say-, actually I wanted mine fixed. He said your gift is on the back of the chair. I look over and hanging is a Prada shopping bag… what the fuck!! Inside is a beautiful black Prada bag. The design is perfect, the size is perfect. I couldn’t believe it, I still can’t believe it. I told him that he is crazy, and ballsy. It’s pretty risky to buy a woman a purse, we are very picky. He is too good to be true right? That’s what Mia thinks. After I calmed down we did some snuggling, and then met up with A&A at a local restaurant for drinks. I put down a lot of White Russian’s that evening. A great time was had by all. And damn we are a good looking couple. He is unbelievably handsome with his mock turtle neck and dress jacket, along with perfectly fitted jeans… yummy.
Saturday morning, well afternoon, we went to this little bistro for lunch, and then ran some errands. I gave him some time alone while Angi and I ran to Marshalls. I needed to get a new shirt; we had planned on going for drinks at this really nice place that evening. We almost didn’t go anywhere; it was so comfy to just lie together on the couch watching a movie. At 8:00 he goes are we still going out? I personally didn’t care what we did, it just felt so good. Well we were out of the house in 30mins, and again looking good. I feel good when I’m with him, almost beautiful. I enjoy our time together, our conversations, and the laughter.
Sunday breakfast was missed again! I had to get up and get ready, my good friend J was having a baby shower, and I couldn’t be late. Ahh the baby shower… make your heart melt. Babies seem to be everywhere recently; Angi is feeling the pangs too. After the baby shower I arrived back at his place to rest up together. We went to the Brewery for happy hour which lasted till about 8, got Chinese food and a movie. Ok we didn’t watch the movie, we just made out. I love making out, love, love, love it. Tee hee…
So you see it was a good weekend. He treats me well, says the things you want to hear, takes you to nice places, and when you hold each other its like 2 puzzle pieces. BUT, come on, can he be real? He checks in with me when we are not together. Geeze we even went to lunch together yesterday; I had taken a vacation day, so we had lunch then went back to nap together on the couch before he went back to work that evening. So why do I second guess everything? What does he possibly gain in not being sincere with me? Why do I just feel like I don’t deserve this? What could be wrong with him that I don’t know? Why does my best friend say that the whole thing is just creepy, instead of being supportive? I want to just “run with it” as everyone says to do, but feelings just get too serious, things are said, and things are talked about. My mental state is just not equipped for this. Speaking of, I have a Dr. appt. tonight, boy is he going to get an earful.

The reservations are made for Dec 13 & 14 to go to Fagers Island. I mean why would he do that, if it’s not real? Someone? Anyone? Input please. I’m petrified. I can’t go through another Matt again. It has taken me so long to get past him.

I look forward to this weekend. It’ll be my last full weekend that I don’t have Cam for a bit. He is coming over tomorrow, I suppose I’ll have Cam meet him. My Dad invited him to Thanksgiving dinner next week, and we are going!
Ok, end rant thanks for putting up with me. WAIT… two full weeks clean! Exciting right? I’m a little itchy, actually a lot itchy, so tonight couldn’t come and sooner.
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kake
UPDATE- Im an idiot, so he calls me and I say I feel better now. He askes me why, I respond that I just wrote alot to get it all out..... why must I give him reason to seek this out? Right now I want to keep this as mine. I mean my brother reads, my mom, and numersous ex boyfriends, now I want it to be mine.

Time flies

when your having fun, and being loved, and loving someone. Yea I know crazy right? I would really love to give you the play by play... but Im scared too.... he is too computer savvy. Ok its his career, so in effort to not embarrass myself too much I can not go into too many details. But I will tell you this.....

NEVER have I dated someone who has treated me like he does. Granted its early, and Im still pessimistic about the whole thing. He speaks so encouragingly to me, he makes me feel so special. I so enjoy being around him, we laugh so much, we kiss so much. He says things like "its your time, you deserve this" and "see when you make positive changes in your life good things happen."

We are going away in a few weeks, down to the Bay... Fagers Island. The place is beautiful, I mean gorgeous. This all good, I just don't know if I can be the woman he needs me to be. (there is a 9yr age diff) He is intelligent, funny, extremely caring, and passionate. I am not use to be treated like a woman, not used to being spoiled. I don't even have the right wardrobe to go get cocktails with him. I feel so silly. But he tells me Im ridiculous, and I believe him. Call me an idiot I don't care. I can't stop smiling.

I not use to being on this end of things. I'm used to giving and giving, but in this case I don't know what I can give, besides my love. I feel bad that he is so generous with me. I love the way he makes feel. Anyways enough, god I hope a month from now Im not eating my words.... but I really don't think so.

Staying in tonight, at his place. Cooking dinner, watching a movie, drinking some wine. Now every time we say we're going to stay in, we wind up going out. Today though we are both tired, neither one seems to want to sleep so we were up till 2ish... then I was up at 5:30 to get home for Cam. I'm feeling delirious. Deliriously happy.

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kake

Shrink me.

Happy friday; is this day over yet. The warm weather is now gone, we are stuck with chilly rainy days. I look forward to snuggling under a blanket and watching movies this weekend. I just wish I wasn't alone. Going through lots of emotions this week, up down, up down. Why can't it just be level?
I made two appointments with two different pyschologists. One is for next tues the other is for the following tues. I figured I would test out two to start with and decide on how I would like to proceed. The man I spoke with today seems right up my alley. He gave me his webpage address, and with out speak to him he seems like a good fit. He specializes in addictions., he wrote a book on cocaine recovery. See what I mean? I am very excited that I have finally taken the step to seek MH therapy. I am scared inside of what I am going to have to committ to and the changes that have to be made. But everything is going to be ok, I know it, I feel it.
I'm tired of feeling this way. I feel so incredibly fat, I've never weighed this much before, I barely fit into my clothes, I don't want to have sex because I am just so disgusted with myself.
Usuaully when I'm down and lonely, I'll have sex to make me feel better, to empower me. Yes I know this is unhealthy.
Matt left on tour today. Cam was written up again, for hitting a child who had hit him first. Cam's punishment was that he can't wear his Wolverine costume for trick or treating. This was not punishment it was there's. I feel horrible for him. He has never been in trouble while in day care and now suddenly at this new place he's been written up 2x. I can see that I am going to be the weak one when it comes to upholding punshishments and groundments, just like my Mom. I don't think I could have taken his costume away. I'm hoping he isn't acting up, or is going to act up with his Father leaving on tour. Matt won't be gone long, and we are going to still keep the visitation schedule pretty much much the same, Cam will just stay with his SM. The first time he left on tour I was dead against this, but this time around I have grown since, and I do not have a problem.

Bring it on!

I haven’t been updating OBVIOUSLY. I’ve been spending too much time over on MySpace; I’m addicted I can’t stop! I guess a lot has been going on. I’ll try and make this short. But can I tell you something? I think of so many topics I want to write about when I’m home, when I don’t have a computer. I know I should pull out a pen (imagine that) but I don’t. That’s the stoner in me…lol

Cam lost his first tooth this week. It was very exciting. He’s going to lose #2 very shortly also. He lost #1 while brushing his teeth at his father’s house. Matt text right after it happened so I made a quick call to talk to Cam. He was so excited!! He goes MOM! I LOST MY TOOTH; I asked how did it happen? I WAS BRUSHING MY TEETH AND IT WAS IN MY TOOTHBRUSH. How cute. When he was home yesterday morning, he asked me: Mom is the tooth fairy little or big? I was like uhhhhhh… I don’t know I’ve scene her. He says: That’s the same thing daddy said. (Phew I made it through that one.) He told me he was also scared about the tooth fairy coming so he slept completely under his covers, and sweated all night. Kid cracks me up. He’s been at his Dad’s the last 4 nights, and now with me for the next 4. I can’t express how happy I am that he is home, I’ve missed him like crazy. It will be a test for me this weekend, to uphold his punishment while at my house. He was written up the other day for pinching a kid on his chest, then later putting his hands around another kid’s neck fighting over a darn bathroom stall. I was like Cameron Matthew!! This is not what we are teaching you, and needless to say Matt was very upset. He told Cameron that this behavior is UNACCEPTABLE. It’s funny because Cam knows when we are on the phone with one another speaking about him, and he just keeps his head down. So his punishment is no more action movies indefinitely; until we see some improvement in his behavior. If he continues to get into trouble his Wolverine Halloween costume will not be worn either (he is so excited about Halloween). So this week he has been an angel. He told me this morning, Mom you will be very proud of me with what I’m going to tell you. He commenced to tell me that a kid dumped all the toys out and he started cleaning them up with out being told. I praised him up and down for it, and asked now didn’t it feel good to do something nice, without having to be told, its not just about receiving a reward, its about feeling good too! Geeze you can tell I’ve missed him; I can’t stop talking about him…LOL. His Father is leaving on tour again, but I’ll save that for a different entry.

This week has been hella busy. I had 3 dates with 3 different guys 3 nights in a row. Tues night I met up with a guy I had dated briefly back in HIGH SCHOOL, Weds night I met up with another guy I had dated sometime back. Last night was with someone I didn’t know and had met on myspace. He was really nice but wayyyy feminine. At first I’m like is this a joke? I had fun with him, but not attracted to him, he seems like he would a great friend though. So I may meet up with him and his friends Saturday and go dancing. I’m not positive though. It was nice to have a distraction this week. Things with C (the most recent ex) and I kind of blew up. I had hung out with him twice last week, and it was great, god it was good. I had realized how much I missed him, and was actually considering trying to make it work again. But that was short lived as soon as the weekend arrived. The issues that I had with us reared its head once again, and his utter lack of common sense about it, is what angers me the most. Lesson learned: I need someone who is out on there own, and who is not dependent on their family so much when it comes to raising their child. Someone who suggests that the 4 of us do things together (that’s building a relationship) as opposed to hanging onto your Mom’s apron strings. So that is that, done finished. I’m trying to move on; hence the dating. I’m not ready to jump into bed with someone. Which for me to say that is a huge improvement; normally I would use sex to make me feel better. Confirmation to myself that I’m wanted, but I have no desire for sex right now. Sex is just too fucking complicated.

I could go on, but maybe I’ll try and post from Angi’s computer this weekend. Ahhh the weekend I can’t wait to get out of work. Oh speaking of work we have a Wii in the kitchen now. Fucking awesome, I have yet to partake, but it is comical to see people going for their coffee and stopping for a quick game of tennis or bowling.
This Sunday, I am having a Jewelry party. I think I’m going to have like 10-12 people actually show up. I am excited by this! I have to get my place in tip top shape.

Tata
kake

Monday, Monday

I admit it, I haven’t been productive today. Bad worker! But I’ve been so damn productive the last 8 days, I need a break! I worked more hours this week than I ever have. 72 hrs! I shed a few tears yesterday, but damn it why does month end always happens the week prior to my period? As if month end isn’t stressful enough!! The tears were just out of frustration and dissatisfaction. I tried so hard this month, but it didn’t matter how hard I tried, we still had a girl leave the dept. A girl who did nothing the whole month then left it to me and my cohort. Then on Friday our computers were down all day. I spent the weekend here and then 11.5 hr on Monday. *sigh* I can’t wait to get home and straighten up a bit. I just called my Grandmom and we are going to grab a bite to eat. I’ve been in bed sound asleep by 10 so far this week, I’ve just been exhausted. But don’t get me wrong I love it, I still enjoy coming to my job, and I don’t dread Mondays. Christ I practically had a year off, I am super grateful to be working.

No matter how hard I work though I can dig myself out of debt. And most of the time I don’t try hard enough, Everyday is a struggle. I want to be a stronger person. I don’t know what has to happen to make me a stronger and better person. It’s so easy to think and say what you want to do or be, but how do you get there. –end rant- skip to one week later………
I’ve been wanted to finish the above post last week but never got around to it. My week at work got better, my mental state got worse before it got better. I was bad that night I wrote that. Not to bad, but bad enough to eat away at my conscience. To once again think what the fuck are you doing Karen. I’m always talking about changing, but I never make a real effort at it. I think if I’m clean for one week, I DESERVE a little fun. But that really isn’t that case. I need to stay clean FOREVER, but it’s just so damn hard. I’m feeling like I’m on shaky ground today, because it’s been just about a week. Just because I want to do it, I want to feel that rush the first 10mins Christ I’ve got issues.

This weekend was great I didn’t even smoke or drink either, well I drank Sunday. But I was in bad asleep at10:30 Friday and Saturday. Saturday we went to the zoo, the weather was gorgeous. Then Sunday I went out with C… yep that’s right; the boy I broke up with a few weeks ago. I thought I could handle it. I though he would be the one who couldn’t handle it, and I would have my way with him, and that’s that. Now I’m all confused. I mean all the issues I had with us are still there. So why would I want to get back into something that I wasn’t happy in the first place? I don’t fucking know, because I’m needy? I did thoroughly enjoy spending time with him last night. I’m afraid I just want what I want, and someone is going to get hurt in the long run. But dam it felt good.

I’m taking off work tomorrow, and taking my car into the shop to get inspected and get my registration renewed. I can’t wait till this is done. Thankfully my boss cut me my OT check early so I can take care of this. I really need to make a considerable effort to not have my account in the negative when I get paid its seriously fucking my shit up.

Pat pissed me of today. He still gets so possessive of me. We act like we are friends but sometimes the line is crossed via text messages. He hates the fact that other guys are interested in me, and is quick to input his two cents on the guys. I’m like who is he to talk shit on anyone, look at him, who would want to fuck him if they knew all the shit I knew. Eww god. He was quick to apologize but I haven’t returned his texts. I said to him yesterday, I think it’s great we can communicate via the phone, but its even better that I’m not able to see him at will.
Weird I had a dream with #1 crush in it the other night. Don’t know where that came from because I am sooooo over that. Oh I forgot how weird is it that #1 crush’s girlfriend looks just the ex’s future bride. It totally bugs me out. Damn.